Nowhere better than here can you find an example of the old cliche... you are a product of your environment. My experiences have created a mental sillhouette, proportioned precisely according to the deep wounds suffered by my heart. No matter how I try... trust slips my grasp, and my mind questions every word, every moment of the unknown is immediatey associated with the worst case scenario. Emotions have such an amazing range, from frailty to this one raw, passionate, unconditional sense of adoration.
I'm about six hours from getting on the road, and it baffles me how the last minute is always filled with the most intense convulsions of emotional activity. I haven't decided yet where it is I will close my eyes tomorrow night, the options are clear and blurred at once... the right thing, or the one that will make you happiest. More than that, however, is the conflict of thought within. Somehow, hundreds of miles away, I've designed this intuitive method of always deciphering the status quo of my object's complete location, emotionally, physically. Knowing for certain where I stand brings me a certain peace of mind, even if it's on the wrong side. However, when the code is broken, my heart races. What is going to happen, will happen, regardless. Unfortunately, every indivudual possesses the ability to tell the truth, or to hide it. There has always been this division between what I know she can be, and who she is. I have always prayed that love would steer her the right way, but, a while back, I realized my love for her could only do so much. That scared me. Because while previously I could swallow it and walk away, I tried it with her, and it didn't work. The next four days stand as proof. This method is proof of how I would readily use my incredibly analytical skills to comprehend and reason the uncomprehensible and unreasonable.
My biggest fear, this entire waiting period, was always her whereabouts. Where would her curiousity take her? I guess in the end, intentions are one thing, and desire is another, more forceful dimension. While I intended it to be one thing... I always cherished the opportunity to choose which path to take, rather than be forced down one for the sake of self-respect. My heart, upon contact, will immediately yell savagely for a union far superceeding every rational bone in my body.
All of that being said, I will once more decipher this evening... knowing far too well the difference between sincerity and fear. And all the while, somewhere deep in my heart, my faith in her knows she won't let me down.
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