| Current mood: |  hopeful |
| Current music: | Wearing Thin ; Further Seems Forever |
Home is waiting here for you when you return
I've had to learn a lot of lessons recently. I've been pushed over the edge. I've had to live in my own personal hell. But somehow, there was always something there. Some ledge on the cliff, some saving grace there to keep me from spiraling all the way to the bottom with no way back up.
The other day, I had another lesson to learn. Just how beautifully fragile life really is. We all walk on cracked ice every day. One wrong step, and it's hello last sleep. Unfortunately, it's always the best of us who take the wrong step far before anyone could have expected, and despite all efforts to pull them out, sometimes you just have to realize that longer you hold on, that ice may just give beneath you too.
Tina was a fighter. She held out for as long as she could. She held out long enough to give Jeff and I a real chance at our family. She was brilliant in her final breath, and I'll never look back without feeling a overwhelmed with gratitude for what she's given to me.
I'll try to stop speaking so metaphorically, but it tends to help numb the pain a little.
I was there. I saw. I watched my son and daughter being born. I've heard stories of how amazing it is. But to experience that...to finally understand just how magical that very moment is...when you see something that you helped to create...there are no words that could even begin to describe what that's like.
After making sure the babies were safe and healthy, we said our final goodbyes to Tina. I may not have been a real part of their family for very long, but Tina was amazing. It was hard on me. To have to watch her just lay there, a woman who not even a month ago, had been so sprightly, so full of life, so excited to be carrying life inside of her...
I left Jeff with his brother, father, mother and Alyssa, I let them say goodbye as a family. I walked outside, sat down on a bench. I looked up at the sky, and it wasn't much longer that I was openly weeping. It was all built up inside of me, it was overwhelming, and I couldn't hold on anymore. I probably looked absolutely pitiful, just sitting on the bench, leaning over, face buried in my hands, but that's all right.
These last few days have been strange. There's a part of me missing. It feels like there's always something that's just not right. I don't know how long it'll take for that feeling to go away, but I'm sure, just like everything else has, it'll become a part of me. It'll dig into me and make a itself a nice little home.
It's strange though, how despite a loss, Jeff and I continue to live. We have so much to work on, and we know that. I have so many issues I still need to get through. So many feelings to sort through. And still, every day, I'm at his side, and we're going on. We're trying. That's what matters. We're trying. I could live like this. I could live feeling like I do right now. Most days, I can wake up and push it away. It's simple enough. But I don't want to. I want to get over this. I want to be free of it all. And so every day, I have to live through it. I can't push it away, as badly as I want to. I have to make myself feel that way. I have to let myself feel that way.
It hurts Jeff. And sometimes I think to myself, 'he deserves it. He deserves to be hurt by how he hurt me.' But for the most part, I just wish I could stop feeling this way. I wish I could stop hurting Jeff. Especially now. The last thing I need to do is make him worry about us. I try to keep it minimal, just a little day by day, a little step here, a little one there. Things may take a long time that way...but it's worth it. There's just too much going on to let it all out at once. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I always loved that story....
Back onto better subjects. Jeff and I finally settled on names for the two new additions to our family. And both of them have a name that really mean something to us. Our son, Caden Justin. Justin Carrabba...my cousin...who I lost when we were both too young. Who I shared almost everything with, including a birthday. And I made a promise to him one of those birthdays that weren't really ours anymore, but just mine. That I'd always keep him alive. And I can now. And our daughter...Kristina Raine. We'll always have Tina with us now, and I think that's been the one thing that's kept everyone together.
And of course, with a larger family, comes a need for a new house. After, of course, we decided to stay in Florida. But it's been good. For me. For Jeff. For us. To do something, as a family. As us. It's going to be a long time before things between us settle. But we're on the right path, and that's what matters.
.....And, on a completely unrelated note...I was in this band about two years ago called Further Seems Forever, maybe you know 'em...and I've been listening to our CD all night. Go figure. Wow, I hate listening to myself.
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