Christopher Carrabba (ender_carrabba) wrote, @ 2003-06-11 15:49:00

Current mood:	Hurt
Current music:	Don't Hate Me // The Get Up Kids

Forgive me
It's a strange feeling to have your loyalties questioned. It's also a strange thing to be put into a position where the obvious right answer feels so wrong and the wrong answer could cose you everything that you've struggled to keep intact.

I've never led any sort of 'stable' life. I was always up and down. What made it worse was that it all sat bottled up inside. I was stifled by everything that I went through. It drove me crazy. Until that day that I literally stumbled over fate. I was in school, walking from one class to another. I stumbled over my own feet. 'Everyone stumbles sometimes,' I said to myself. 'Everyone falls.' Something about that stuck with me and fifteen minutes later, I had half of what would become first song. That was all it took. The floodgates opened.

I always loved music. My mother is a musician - not that anyone's heard of her. But a name doesn't make talent. She shared her passion for music, for making it, with me as I grew up. I fell in love with the Beach Boys when I was a kid. I wanted so badly to do something with music that my brothers and I would take pans and boxes and stuff like that and we'd play 'Band.' Every year I signed up for chorus, though at the time it was just because my mom said I should, and because it was an easy class.

I've always had music. And once I started writing, it became everything to me. Everything I couldn't get out before found it's way onto paper. Every word found a chord, every chord found a tune, every tune found a song. And on more than one ocassion - more than I liked to admit - these songs saved me my sanity. They saved me my life.

When I moved to Florida, I began to understand that I wasn't the only one who was this passionate about music. About having it, about making it, about writing it. I went from band to band my junior and senior year. Then I found Dan, and we found the Vacant Andys. And that's when music became more than my passion, more than my outlet. That's when music became my life.

When I started Dashboard two something years ago, it was nothing to anybody but me. Then my friends heard it. And it wasn't just me anymore. It was me and it was these kids. Kids who knew these pains as much as I did. Who'd been there, too. Who'd been beaten and bruised; torn and tattered. I got through to these kids. I reached out to them the only way I could. Through my music. Through my life. And somehow, I shoed them, 'hey, it's okayh. Everybody stumbles. Everybody falls.'

I never thought that my devotion to my music would be put to the test. I never thought that the one person who was supposed to support me always, love me for everything I am and am not, would force me into something like that.

My entire life, I sepnt trying to find a way for someone to know. For someone to understand. I found that in Dashboard. I found that in these kids. And I found that I can reach them in a way that maybe no one else could. Because we know. Together we know. And I've survived it. If I can, so can they. ANd to know that I can do that for someone, it makes my pain, my suffering, worthwhile.

I love my husband. I love my children. I love my music. I don't enjoy being divided over them. For so long, my music has been everything to me. Then came Jeff, my children. I couldn't breathe without them. But I can't breathe without music.

I can understand why he wants what he does. If I could do it, I would. But I can't. I can't turn my back on these kids. I can't turn my back on my music, on the one part of my life that's always been there; that hasn't betrayed me, that hasn't broken me.

But to be asked to...to be asked to turn away from the only thing in this world that has always and always will be there....that makes me absolutely furious.

jbtimmons 2003-06-11 17:23 (link)

I thought this argument was over....I came back...I told you you don't have to give it up...that we'll go OUT OF OUR WAY to be with you, so you don't miss us...or your music... *shakes head* You have NO right to be pissed at me right now. I'm the one giving and giving here. I gave up my music...and it means JUST as much to me as you...because I didn't want to see you, or our children hurt. And now you're trying to turn this on me and say I had no right to ask you what is more important? Grow up. I'm not leaving this time. We'll stay...we'll follow you around the country because it's something that important to you. But don't expect me to find comfort in "I love you" any more. You've proven where your true love lies. ...I wouldn't turn my back on you either...and I haven't...I've actually gone further than most would. If you want out of this relationship...You're going to have to make the move. This is me. I'm still the man you fell in love with. The man you always knew family was number 1 to. If you couldn't accept that, then why did you promise me forever? You knew I wanted someone whose values were the same...and you told me they were. Now you're going back on that...and getting mad at ME? Bullshit. You're hurt? Well, I guess both of us are shit out of luck...cause so am I. (Reply to this) (Thread)

ender_carrabba 2003-06-11 19:33 (link)

The argument is over. I was putting down what was on my mind. You didn't give up on your music. You put it on hold. And there's a difference here, Jeff. You put it off because you could. You don't have an established solo career yet. I didn't ask you to do this. I didn't want you do this. I knew you would resent the decision, and in the end, me. You've had and will have every chance to walk out the door and go chase your own career. I can't, I wouldn't, stop you from that. I know you're passionate about music. But I'd never force you to chose. I apologize for not being perfect like you. I'll work harder. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)