| Current mood: |  happy |
| Current music: | rain splattering against the window |
I need you like you've always been
It was Jeff's birthday. :smiles:
We spent the day at home, playing daddy. His mom and dad called. His brother Mike called. It was tough on him to know that a call from Tina wouldn't come in, not a card with a small 'happy birthday, Jeff. Love, Tina'. I know what it's like, that first birthday after you lose someone. That first big event that they should be at, but never make it to. But he was strong, and I'm proud of him.
At the end of the day, I finally got to go through with my plans. After putting Lys to bed, my mother came by to babysit and I brought Jeff out with me, never telling him where I was taking him. I drove him out to the beach and led him to a small wall of rock. We climbed over and hopped down and then I lead him towards the shore, where I'd begged my brother to set up a small blanket for us, with wine and a little birthday cake.
I'm not sure what it is about that specific spot, but since I moved to Boca, it's been the one spot I could go to find solitude, to find peace, to find myself. It was gorgeous out tonight. The moon was bright and danced on the waves that rolled up against the sandy shore. It was just enough light for tonight, a romantic dim to otherwise dark night.
We laid together on the blanket, he on his back, myself on my stomach, and we talked softly. He told me that what I'd done for him was the most romantic thing anyone's ever done. Well he's certainly got a lot coming then. It makes me happy to know that I'm the first one to really be romantic, to be thoughtful, but on the other hand, it makes me wonder just why nobody ever took the time to show him. How beautiful he is. How amazing he is. Every day, the honor to be his husband grows greater, and tonight, it swelled.
It was then that he told me he had something for me. He missed my birthday to be in California with his family, but had finally found the right moment to give me my gift. It was a small box full of Fender guitar pics with an inscription of 'Chris, you have my heart for eternity. Love, Jeff' on the back. I never thought a gift so small could really mean so much. With this crazy touring schedule coming up for me, to know that I'll have a piece of Jeff with me whereever I'm playing will undoubtedly make me feel better about being away. I told him I'd just have to remember not to throw these into the the crowd and we had a good laugh as we talked on the subject.
After many many repetitions of 'I love you' to one another within our conversation, we grew silent, not with a lack of things to say, but simply because the moment represented no need to speak. He turned onto his stomach, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me closer to him. His eyes found mine, and that said all we ever could need to. I brushed my hand over his cheek; he turned into the touch and pressed a kiss to my palm. I ran my thumb over his lips; he playfully nipped at it with a wonderful smile, one that was both childlike and sincere. I ran my fingers through his hair; he smiled and his eyes fluttered closed.
We laid there for a while, together, and I watched him, the relaxed state of his face, the content little smile on his lips. And it came over me like a tidal wave. A love, a devotion so deep and so strong that my heart nearly beat out of my chest. Tears were in my eyes, I admit that with no problem, some even fell, but the rest I blinked away. They clouded my vision and I didn't want to lose sight of him. This moment was too beautiful, too perfect to do anything but watch him, to breathe in his scent, and to know that this was him, this was me, this was us. A huge burden was lifted off my shoulders at that moment, a heaviness rose out of my chest, and I buried my face in his neck, breathing in so deeply, in ways that I haven't done in years. I breathed him in, the scent of the shampoo from his hair, the cologne on his skin, the fabric softener we use from his shirt, the salt in the air.
I startled him some, and he made sure quite a few times that I was okay. But how do you explain that you were beyond fine? That you had just experienced one of the most beautiful, incredible moments of your life? How do you explain to someone that you just fell in love all over again, harder, faster, and more deeply than before? How do you tell someone you just feel like you've touched the hand of God? How do you tell someone that you just found perfection?
He held me for a while afterwards, and nothing has ever felt that right. To be in his arms, tucked close to him, feeling the rise and fall of his chest against my own, the beat of his heart against my palm. I'm consistently amazed at just how well I fit in those strong arms, as though they were made to hold me, and only me.
A little while later, we sat up after deciding to have some cake. But of course, my brother always manages to forget something, and this time around it was a knife to cut the cake. That poor cake became finger food. And poor Jeff and I....we were a mess at the end. We got more cake on each other than we did in our mouths in the end. But that's fine by me. We were laughing like lunatics, smashing cake into each other's face and trying to dodge being hit.
He wrestled me to the blanket, both of us still laughing, covered in vanilla cake and butter cream frosting. Our eyes met in that way they always do; immediately, as though they'd never been taken off each other. I could see it in his eyes immediately, that little flicker of desire, the way his eyes had gone to that gorgeous shade of sapphire. After a small nod, he kissed me, tasting of cake and icing and wine. From that first kiss, I knew there was nothing to stop us, and we made love on the beach, bathed only in moonlight, hearing the waves break against the sand.
We laid together for a while after, watching the water, collecting ourselves. Thunderheads were beginning to buildon the horizon, and lightning jumped cloud-to-cloud, as though playing a game of hide-and-go-seek. They were rolling in fast though, and Jeff and I decided it'd be best to get home before the storm hit to be there for Lys and the twins, should the storm startle them awake.
We dressed, rolling the rest of the whine up in the blanket then headed back for the car, our hands together, fingers laced. The first roll of thunder rippled through the sky as we climbed into the car which prompted me to get it in gear and get goin. His hand was in mine the whole ride home, and though he faced the window, I knew he was smiling.
I was smiling too. I got more from his birthday than he'll ever know.
Edit:
I apologize for my last two entries being novels. Maybe I should write out songs instead, huh? :chuckles:
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