| Current mood: |  depressed |
| Current music: | "Fall to Pieces" by Velvet Revolver |
Eww... its rainy, and depressing. Actually, I cant lie, the rain isnt what is depressing me. Im just depressed about life in general. I mean...I love my husband, my job isnt too bad, my life isnt bad. I guess depression just happens to us all. However, my dog is going to be depressed under my foot if she doesnt quit clapping her jaws on whatever she is eating. (The only thing that is up here that I can think of that she could be eating is something out of the litter box... ::gag:: )
But anyhow... Ive just been so down lately. Nothing major has happened, its just a combination of little things. First off, I have just a few more weeks of school left which usually means that Im stressed anyhow... finals, huge projects due, that kinda thing. Kay, then, I got an 85 on my child psychology test. I know, its a B but I dont like B's. Grr. Anyhow, next, I feel like an obligation to my husband and to my mom. I mean, I cant possibly work more than I already am cause Im trying to get through school with mostly A's. My grades are one thing in my life that I usually have control over. If I cant control that, then I have to start feeling all helpless. Back to the point though, they have to support me almost completely because little 20 hour a week paychecks at a minimum wage job just dont cut it. I dont have a car... not totally anyhow. Ive paid in part for my husbands car and my moms car, which together would have been enough to buy my own car. But still... I cant drive, so I have to depend on them to either TEACH me how, or keep driving me around. Maybe they dont trust me to grow up and learn to drive. What am I gonna do? Run away?
Next, my husband has a hard time around Christmas cause thats when his grandpa died. So he has barely even looked at me or touched me in any meaningful way in like almost a week. Its really starting to hurt my feelings. Cept... the best part is that he didnt tell me about what was bothering him until last night. So i have been stressing myself to death trying to figure out why I am no longer appealing to my husband, and all along, it supposedly had nothing to do with me. And another thing that bothers me, which he has no control over, is that I hate to see him hurting and suffering. I want so badly to take it all away, but I cant. Its impossible.
Kay. Last thing: this weird thing with Melanie and Diane and whoever. I mean, whatever, he has friends... Fine. I have two male friends too, Allen, whom I have been friends with since 7th grade, and Derrick, whom I have been friends with since 2002. Kay... past that, I dont care if he has female friends, just cause I dont wanna give up mine and whatever. But these chicks, Melanie and Diance, that he is friends with just happens to be the SISTER of his ex girlfriend. I dont get all chatty with Cody's brothers or anyone else having to do with my ex's. except for Derrick, and thats just cause he was mine and Brandons mutual friend. Even so, SOMEHOW these people know that he lives here, when as far as I know, they hadnt talked to him since he lived in NC. Whatever though. I guess I just dont like remembering that I am not the only person he has ever cared for. Ive also been in this situation before, and the man I was with ended up talking to his ex, thanks to those mutual friends(cousins in that case) and he ended up cheating on me. Yeah, my biggest fear in the world, and hes showing signs. Talking to his ex girlfriends family (Melanie and Diane are his ex gf's sisters) and not wanting to be intimate with me. Promising, aint it?
So then, after we had this talk about him hurting my feelings over this, and about his grandpa and what not, he still rolled right over and went back to sleep. I dont even know if I can stand to let him touch me now. I dont want him to fuck me cause he thinks he owes that much to me, or cause he feels bad. When Im not in the mood... do you think we just go to sleep? Uh no. I still have to do SOMETHING for him. What did he do for me? Well, he stole the covers, does that count?
So I went to sleep and had this dream that for our anniversary, he threw this big party with all my friends and everyone I hardly even know, and then he lead me to this place and let me watch a movie that was filmed about a club we have been dreaming about opening, "Dirty Little Secrets" There was a man playing him(Lucian), a woman playing me(Porcelain), and a little girl playing our daughter (Jewel). Then after the movie was over, he asked me if I wanted to take a tour of DLS. He had had the thing built and it was in operation. It was HUGE, and magnificent. It was such a sweet gesture. Not cause I really want that to happen (although it would kick ass if it did) it was because he was so intuned to what I wanted. Down to the color of the bedrooms in the apartment over the bar. It was like he had actually been listening when I had told him about wanting that. In real life, I have never really talked much about it. We both would love to open DLS, but havent made out floor plans yet. It was just the thought, you know? I guess I had to make up something like that to keep my heart company while his love for me is in hiding. But even past his excuses, I cant help but think something is wrong with me, or us, or the way he feels about me.
But thats life. Maybe Im still dreaming.
But folks, Gilmore Girls is on, so Im off. Laters.
.:.[ Phantasmagoria ].:.
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