| Current mood: |  contemplative |
| Current music: | "Running Away" - Hoobastank --We need a Doug Robb |
Alone
I've been doing a lot of thinking the past couple days...weeks even, and I have come to a conclusion that some may not like, but too fuckin bad, ya know? I've decided once tour is over...I need some serious alone time. I just have to figure out how to do it. There are a few obvious issues prohibiting me just being alone in my house, and responsibilities I need to take care of before being slefish like that. I know Cam is headed for a breakdown, which scares the shit out of me. I really do not want to be there for that. How awful does that sound? It's just because I don't want to see her upset and just...not herself. That'll kill me, but I know if anything she will need me. I of course wll stay strong for her and do whatever she needs me to do, but there is only so much that I'll be able to do seeing as how I need to take care of myself.
I really just want a good week or two to be completely and utterly alone. I want there to be silence that echos through the house. I want to only speak if I'm on the phone or if I'm running a few lyrical ideas through my head, but doing it outloud to see how they sound. I want the only repetitive sound to be Oliver barking or whimpering. I want to be able to sleep for 12 hours straight and not have to worry about anything else while sleeping. I want to be able to hole myself up in my house or my room, or the basement with my guitars and just sit there. Think. Sleep. Eat. Nothing else. Nothing.
I know this is already not sitting well with Cameron. She probably thinks she's done something to make me want to be alone for awhile and what not, and she really hasn't. This is in noway about her. It's about me. I know me, better then anyone else. I know myself like no one else does. When I get stressed out and anxious and heading for my own fuckin break down, I just don't want to be around a single solitary soul...no matter how important to me they are. I just want to be left alone.
Tour has taken a lot out of me this time, and I'm not sure why. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Cam was pregnant and the emotional rollercoaster that put both her and I on. I'm definitely physically exhausted, but I'm probably more emotionally drained right now then anything. We've had a few good days...but I know us. It'll all come to a crashing hault here in a day or two and we'll be back where we started. It's a vicious cycle with us. Oh well. Edit: It wasn't a couple of days. More like a matter of minutes.
I don't know why I wrote this. Just venting I guess.
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 cameron_r
2003-08-21 11:21
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You don't know how to do it? Baby it's simple. I'm gone. Tour'll be over, I'll just crash at my house. You don't wanna be there for it...you don't have to be. I'll be ok on my own. I always am. If you need to take care of yourself, I want you to do it. There's only a little time left before we run out of time to think about ourselves...before we're consumed with thinking about Oscar. So...yeah. I'll be fine.
I want to be there to take care of you, but if that's not what you want then we'll do this your way. You're right. You know what you need more than anyone. What Mikey wants, Mikey gets.(Reply to this) (Thread) |
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cameron_r
2003-08-21 11:46
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Don't misunderstand me Mike. I don't want to go...I really, really don't. But the way you said this...I just don't see what else I can do. You seem so...final about it. Like...you know exactly what you need and exactly what it's gonna take to make you feel better. I don't want to fight with you..I don't have the energy for it. It's not that I don't want to fight you on this.
Sure, I'd like you to see the other side of it. I'd think you'd know by now that I can hold you up when you're the one that's faltering. That I'm supposed to be different from everyone else, that I'm the one you should let in to take care of you when you're falling apart but...I guess you don't see that or...want that. I don't know...but I'm trying my best to see your side this time.(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
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cameron_r
2003-08-21 12:32
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Well then...just...tell me what we're doing when you decide. Ok? <3
Of course I understand that. You used to have to fight me on letting you take care of me but I guess I'm ok with it now. I don't resent that you're going through the same thing or whatever.
If you really do, then I'll let you. And when I'm ok again, I'll give you your space.(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
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cameron_r
2003-08-21 13:27
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Of course I want to. I love you baby. I'll find a way to take good care of you and give you your space at the same time. I promise you, even though we've got shit to get through, we'll be fine. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
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