Hold me... I need to hit something *trembles*
Is there really nothing I can do to change the situation I am in now? I have a father who does little to encourage and motivate his children to study... This "Anthony Robbins" I have at home has nothing but "If you don't study hard, your future will be ruined... If you studied harder, you would be on the same level as your friends Benjamin and Jonathan and all..." *swallows hard*
But what do I have to say... I did little to fight against this violent vortex I am allowing myself to slip into right now... This failure cycle that spirals all the way down and down into some unknown area. Since I experienced that result of complacency that is my 13pt aggregate in the O' Levels and my desperate reaction to get into a JC of my choice, my life took a steep down all the way... Nothing I tell you... I searched hard to find love and support, unfortunately, I found it in all the wrong places... Look what happened and what's happening?
I thought that I would be a better person after my parents sent me to Superteens, that motivation camp that produced Singapore's 26yr old millionaire... Well, it added another 18yr old to its list of people who never did find the right direction... And that was a $1500 attempt... My goodness... What ever happened to the cheery, spirited, high-flyer that was being nurtured during that 4-5day period? It just took a degenerative turn after. The coach is right. I fear too much. I feared I wouldn't be able to handle being released into the real world, and it happened just the way I fear it to be...
Its really IRONIC that someone who has time and time again given in to his fear of failure would, during the Plain English Speaking Award competition, give a speech entitled "Fear Factor". Yeah, I won. So what? It didn't seem to make a difference. I've always felt a certain level of motivation every now and then. Its just like last year, when due to some divine coincidence, the CL promo comprehension was about people who were self-motivated and people who needed motivation. I'm like one of those who are AC, searching for sources of motivation and sometimes, being self-motivated. Yet one way or another, this certain part of myself always takes control of my system and I find myself back at "Tough Luck".
If life is a game, then I'm that player who is always using cheat codes, searching for the easy way out... Unfortunately, there are no cheat codes in the real world. The only thing close, is when I reach "Sweet Dreams" on the board and enter a fantasy world. Or when I draw a "Chance" card and take a quick trip to "Utopia", where I get to leave all my burdens at the counter and enjoy a moment in time, in a place without burdens, until closing time when I have to retrieve my stuff back... Its lidat one lor... I can't retrieve my used credits and spend them in another way... Nopez...
It sucks doesn't it? Watching this reality TV show called "Loser" with the agony of not being able to reach into that bastard and tell him how he should be getting off his lazy fat arse and exorcising that dark spirit that is controlling his life. It should have been smited a long, long time ago... But who do I have to blame?
The sharks in "Finding Nemo" are right. To change the view others have, I must first change myself. There's no use asking goodness-knows how many people in the world to "Look at me from a different perspective" when it is just as easy as changing the way I live my forsaken life. I'll take my life in vibrant optimistic thank you.
Is it possible? This is that dark spirit talking again. Always questioning decisions I make. Do you think it'll work? How can you possibly do it? Can you handle it? What if I can't? What if I fail?
I guess if I'm fighting hard to battle this 'inner demon', it'll give me a right to burst out at my parents "I'M FIGHTING HARD! I'M DOING MY #@!* BEST! I'M WORKING! I'M LIVING! SO GIVE ME A #@!* BREAK!!"
This is the "Loser" saying toodles as he goes off to attempt to study for tomorrow's GP paper... Did I mention next week's exams? What a wonderful time to feel totally depressed!
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