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Manda (east_coast_ride) wrote,
@ 2003-02-22 23:10:00
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    Current mood: apathetic
    Current music:Somewhere Out There: Our Lady Peace

    Things left unsaid...
    This week has been long, really long. I'm not sure how I am going to do this semester because my grades just suck. I've been trying to pick it up, but its just been rough. I don't know what to do.

    Joana basically called me a baby for being depressed, like its really something I can help. It hurt, but I'll get over it. My uncle Roger called my mom tonight when I was at home and she gave me the phone. He was like, "You need to take care of your mom right now because she's not doing well. I know how she feels because I went through it with your Aunt Laurie. She doesn't have many people, so she needs you..." My uncle lives in Florida. Honestly, I can't even take care of myself right now and he wants me to take care of her. I barely eat. I only eat when I'm with Matt. I went to buy new pants today and I dropped a few sizes. I came home and put on shorts I wore to Michigan last summer and they're like.. falling off my ass. I feel so thin. I looked in the mirror and I'm definately losing weight. Food just isn't appetizing anymore... when I eat, I get sick so I try not to eat. I'm trying... God knows i'm trying right now... its just soo fricken hard. I know I shouldn't be drinking or anything... but I have been. I drink when people aren't around. I get drunk on the weekends. Maybe, if I drink enough, I just won't wake up, sometimes I think that's what I think about when I drink. I like how it feels to not feel right now because when I feel, its all pain... pain from watching my mom hurt, my brother hurt, my sister hurt, my family fall apart; all in front of my eyes.

    My boyfriend's been great. He went into this relationship kinda/but not really knowing what was going on and he's been really supportive of it all. I realized how selfish I was though. Lindsay was/is supposed to come during her spring break and she doesn't have the money so I told her I'd help and she won't let me. I understand, but it made me feel selfish because I know she wants to get away from her house... and I could really use a friend here; I could use a hug so badly. I want her here. I really do. It's so hard dealing with this, being there for my family, that I could use someone just to give me a hug. That's all I want right now is a hug. But hugs come few and far between around here, except from Matt, my family or Sue. Things just haven't been great lately... and yanno, she's one of the very few people that I know honestly care about me.

    This sounds like a pity me entry, but its more of a "get things off your chest" kinda entry because I wouldn't want anyone taking these things the wrong way. I still wonder why I was put on this earth because I feel I've caused nothing but grief and aggravation. I'll change that one day though... one of these days I'm gonna grow balls and make my "way out" like I should've 3 or so years ago.

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