dragontail (dragontail) wrote, @ 2006-12-22 12:11:00

probably the last entry this year
but hey, see you next year! :-)

i have done a lot of thinking, lately, about life and so on... non in general, i had done that years ago, but my personal things. i have come to some startling conclusions

one: i have to wake up! seriously... lately i have found out that i´m tired because i´m nervous all the time and i can´t study when i´m tired and i can´t relax because i´m nervous and so i´m tired. AND i´m nervous because i can´t study :-))) you understand? fine situation i´m in right now. anyway i´ll try to study during the christmas holidays... hope i succed... and if i do, i won´t be nervous in january, so i will be able to study and having done that i won´t be nervous any more and i´ll be able to relax so i won´ t be tired anymore :-) easy solution, isn´t it? (but as a matter of fact right now i´m writing my diary because i don´t want to study and i´m tired so i won´t study and in the evening i´ll have a maths lesson and i´ll be damn nervous there...)

two: if i don´t get myself to think i´ll ruin my future life most probably. i have two weeks to decide which university to go to and i still don´t have the slightest idea...

three: i hate christmas and birthdays. nonsence, all of it. ...force someone to buy presents... why can´t i give gifts when I want to?! and i still have no present for my alcoholic grandparents... i´ve bought some silk, though. guess i´ll color a tie for gradpa and a scarf for grandma and if they won´t like it their problem. and don´t tell me i´m mean to them... (hey guys, speaking of presents, what have you bought for your family members? i need some inspiration for next year)

four: next year is going to be truly difficult. the final exams at school, the admission exams for university, the exam to get my driving licence and i should probably find i job next autumn... wish me luck! (and how about your plans for next year?)

five: no thoughts about potential new boyfriends until the end of the summer holiday. i have to pull myself together. and i´ve got no spare time to lose thinking about things like this... but that´s easier said than done...

there´s a lot of things in my life i´d like to change... do something to be happier... try not to preoccupy myself so much about my future... try to find some new friends...

finding friends shouldn´t be that difficult at university... all of my friends in bratislava are my classmates, and the few friends outside bratislava are just people i know from the past... people whose friendship i cling to... people i have nothing in common with. there are six people in my class whose friendship i don´t want to lose, mainly because THEY consider ME a friend. but i think that i will lose all of them but two. and i hope they know who i mean.

friendship is a very fragile thing. i don´t complain about the number of friends i have but i feel things might be different.
i lost all the friends of my childhood. the ones i played with while still living in nove zamky. i haven´t seen them for years now. and i don´t miss them. they are a part of my childhood and have nothing to do with me as i am now.
then there are my ex-classmates from upper elementary school (we were at school together when i was 11-15 years old) i don´t talk with my ex-best friend anymore. she´s a completely different person now. and i don´t talk to another of my friends from this time, the rebellious ria, an interesting person indeed, but we don´t have anything to talk about... except for discussing the past. and there are other two girls i´m still in contact with... but i´ve promised them to go out with them about two months ago and we still haven´t called each other to arrange the meeting...

and the same thing will happen after next summer. i won´t meet my actual classmates anymore. and i won´t have the need to talk to them because during the last five years we were just speaking about teachers and school in general. there are two girls who are my true friends and i guy i´ve been kind of in love with for nearly three years... but now that i´m thinking about it i guess i´ll talk to him only on skype in the future. i´ll prefer not seeing him anymore if not necessary...

enough said. but these are the thoughts which i can´t eliminate from my mind the last weeks... i hate changing things but some changes are vitally important... and sometimes i´m sad that i don´t feel for my friends what they feel for me. and a lot of my acquaintances call me "friend". that´s sad as well. and some of them call me "best freind" when all that i really do is having pity on them and listening to their problems...

now it´s me who´s talking too much :-) i should go and study a bit now...

but first let me wish you a merry chistmas and say that i hope you will enjoy the holidays (if you have some)

and i want to wish an exceptionally beautiful christmas to my best friends who i meet only in the internet, that is Nate and Alex

sooooo. "read you" again next year... take care... and don´t eat too much ;-) byeeeeeee