| Current mood: | kind of depressed. |
| Current music: | hot hot heat. |
god.
uhm. so i havent updated in a really long time..well, i did, but i deleted the entries i didnt like.
so....yeah..
yesterday/today me chels joey and katie did probably the most random thing you could imagine any of us doing with our saturday night. we went to church and slept there. haha..st veronicas had some "lockin" thing and our friend, danielle cherry told us it was a lot of fun and chelsea decided to go, and brought us all along. it was weird, considering i'm completely agnostic... all of us are, really. but i tried to go in with an open-mind because thats what they told me to do...but the weird thing was the whole thing was basically.."you should avoid these things because if you do them, god wont love you. they'll stop you from being able to reach out and hold god." and they believe that catholicism is the only way and anyone who has different beliefs is considered potential for converting. they want everyone to conform to a perfect being that god can love...and then when we went to mass, joey kept trying to get me to go into confessional but i refused. they were saying that you should repent for all these "sins" but really, isn't that like apologizing for who you are? i'm glad of everything i've gone through because, in the end, i always look back and think "hmmm...it wasn't that bad" or at least, i'm grateful i experienced it and went through that so now i can be a stronger person. and even though sometimes i'm not completely happy with who i am, i feel like its our own desire to change which makes us a better person...not the influence of god's love. HOWEVER. there was one particular instance last night that reinforced my agnostic beliefs (i mean, my belief in some unknown higher power). during addiration, i went up to have people pray over me because i was told it was intense and spiritual and the two people lay their hands on me and i asked them to pray for my family. they started chanting and saying all this stuff that was supposedly the word of god coming through them and they started speaking in tongues and it scared me a lot. and i stood there, eyes closed and at first all i saw was black and slowly a gentle white light started glowing and eventually got brighter and brighter..and then, i started swaying back and forth and i felt my knees begin to give until i had to fight to keep myself up. i opened my eyes really abrutly because the feeling was so overwhelming and i told them okey, i'm good and kind of walked away. i was told that if i had let it go longer and completely accepted the feeling, i would have completely lost balance and either fallen backwards or dropped to my knees or other things. i don't know. i have so much respect for people who are devote christians. like, danielle and many other people there, i look up to them because they have so much faith and devotion and i think its amazing but, its not me...and i dont know.. i still have to figure out what it is i'm searching for and then, when i find it, i'll be able to devote myself to something.
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