|Current mood:|| lonely|
|Current music:||Static X- Cold|
CursedBySaffron: So.....Kerri and myself were talking yesterday about Josh, and you, and shit. Kerri seems to think that you're self destructive. That you only want stuff when you can't have it, and it ends up hurting you in the long run. Examples: You not realizing you loved Kevin till he was gone, You developing feelings for me after I was with Kerri....See the point?
Ok, the whole Kevin thing.. I did it to myself. I fucked my self over. But that wuznt all my fault. I was an ugly fat kid then.. Kevin actually liking me felt weird to me. It didnt seem real. I fell for him, and i got scared. The fact that someone could actually be falling for this HIDEOUS thing i was scared the fuck outta me aswell.. so yea, now that i realized he could have actually liked me, and that he told me he loved me.. well, im fucked. so yea. Kevins dead to me now, i love him with all my heart, but its clear to see that he wants me to forget him so i wont hurt anymore. I remember him acting that way on the phone that one nite.. anywhooooooooo.. yea
And ive been thinking about this all day. Ok, secondly .... so i had a tiny little crush on joel, so what? it wuz so minor! He was a silly cootie, but yall made it seem like i had a MAJOR thing for him.. cmon! i was hooked on Matt at that time! All i ever really said wuz that u could have made it on to the other ladder if u jumped. Made me seem like the type a gurl that says how she feels after she knows she cant have it..(*cough*kristina*cough* i hate those types of gurls!!) that wuz not wut i wuz goin for!!!! Joel asked sumtin, and i simply answered back.. I didnt really say i had strong feelings for him!! Sorry, that has really been buggin me all day.. cuz i dont like being classified as one of those gurls that does THAT stuff.. lol, if that makes sense.... IM NOT THAT SELF DESTRUCTIVE!
Anywho, back to the other stuffz..
There was a quote that described me best
"Life seems to enjoy knocking you around.
So you've isolated yourself from any chance of pain."
But there's sumtin wrong there.. Ive tried to isolate myself from any chance of pain, but it just didnt work anymore... i forgot how. I tried being more open, because everyone told me i was so blah, and i wouldnt let myself get close to anyone or let ppl get close to me, and that it needed to stop.. i didnt hurt then. I wanted to experience new things tho, but i didnt kno the new things would hurt so much.. being more open hurts like a bitch, thats why i just might become my old self again.. but i dont remember how to.
Alright, im out for now.
Love Peace & Chicken Grease.
<^> fuck to one and all!
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