| Current mood: |  sad |
I feel prolific today;)
People continue strange.
Why is is that if I search for people with 'older men' as an interest I get freaky sex obsessed types? Or men looking to cheat on their wives? What is with that exactly?! I am not open to older guys because I'm a nymphomaniac - rather the opposite. And whole communities created based on crushes on teachers? I'm here to tell you guys that it is not a good idea, trust me, I know.
Anyway - I'm still stressing about this damn essay and all I really want to do is get somewhere with my submission for the  writingprojects awards. I thought we had much longer actually, and then I checked my friends page and saw  misscharlie's reminder. Shit.
Anyway - I was on track to feel seriously alienated again, hence the manic updating today - to get me to think about something else. Sometimes I think that my retreat to the lighthouse plan isn't such a bad one. Then I remember how miserable I was in Durham and I re-think the strategy.
I miss R. again. Mum is apt to say things that make me feel as if I shouldn't. I guess she's just trying to say whatever she feels needs to be said, but it sets my guilt off. And as we've discovered lately, it doesn't really take much to set my guilt off. The bizarre thing is that my parents don't get this guilt thing at all. They also don't really understand my competitive streak, which again they don't share. Hmmm, I wonder who's genetic inheritance that is then, or what promoted it's growth in me.
Ah, the guilt thing. Is this as good a time as any to go into my guilt over R.? Well, lets see how far I get.
Well there are plenty of things to be guilty over that aren't my fault, but a by-product of this horrible situation. These are all things that he will also be able to feel guilty about, probably to a much greater extent that me as they're all rooted in his life and not mine. But let me just take this opportunity to say that falling in love with a married man is not much fun, and I don't recommend it. Don't think badly of him - he's an honest guy and nothing happened that could possibly count as adultery. But feelings continue and like I said a few entries ago, I see the truth now in what I didn't dare believe then. I feel lost and confused by life and what is expected of me as a 21 year old British girl. I'm just not what they are. All I want is to curl up with him and try and take that sadness out of his eyes.
Is that something I should feel guilty about?
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velvetandlace
2003-12-08 06:20
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I'm still stressing about this damn essay and all I really want to do is get somewhere with my submission for the writingprojects awards. I thought we had much longer actually, and then I checked my friends page and saw misscharlie's reminder. Shit.
I did the same thing! I'm freaking about having something fabulous pulled together and now I think the prose I've already created is ridiculous! I have some surprising free time off, though, so I'm hoping to try and make something happen tomorrow, and just squeak in under the deadline.
I miss R. again. Mum is apt to say things that make me feel as if I shouldn't. I guess she's just trying to say whatever she feels needs to be said, but it sets my guilt off. And as we've discovered lately, it doesn't really take much to set my guilt off. The bizarre thing is that my parents don't get this guilt thing at all. They also don't really understand my competitive streak, which again they don't share. Hmmm, I wonder who's genetic inheritance that is then, or what promoted it's growth in me.
I hate the feeling, when you're told "you shouldn't feel this way", or "you shouldn't miss him". Emotions are not something you can turn on and off at will (and oh boy, as much as we wish it were so...) It is up to a person alone how they deal with experience, good or bad, and also their rate of healing. Don't worry. My guess is you'll always miss him, your muse - I guess that just, when you are ready, that part will be overshadowed by another.
I feel lost and confused by life and what is expected of me as a 21 year old British girl. I'm just not what they are.
Being only two of these three things, perhaps I'm not the best to answer. But, I'm gonna try anyway, 'cause that's my way. ;)
My attempt is this: Nothing. Nothing should be expected of you. You are who you are, and it just so happens that you're a 21 year old British girl. You're still yourself, your individual, and you can't be expected to be anything but who you want to be. Screw the other people.
(Oops, sorry, that's my noncomforming rant!)
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docvergil
2003-12-11 11:40
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Phew - essay break, lets do something constructive and reply to comments;)
I did the same thing! I'm freaking about having something fabulous pulled together and now I think the prose I've already created is ridiculous! I have some surprising free time off, though, so I'm hoping to try and make something happen tomorrow, and just squeak in under the deadline.
Well, now the things are up and people have started voting no-one likes me:( Ah well, I'll try and be Stoical;) This is the ridiculous extent of my competitive streak, so I'm just trying to slap myself on the wrist and tell me not to be so silly! In fairness, very little work took place, because of the deadline conflicting with my essay. If we have another one some effort may occur!
I hate the feeling, when you're told "you shouldn't feel this way", or "you shouldn't miss him". Emotions are not something you can turn on and off at will (and oh boy, as much as we wish it were so...) It is up to a person alone how they deal with experience, good or bad, and also their rate of healing. Don't worry. My guess is you'll always miss him, your muse - I guess that just, when you are ready, that part will be overshadowed by another.
Thank you. Really, hardly anyone is sensitive enough to know that, so it seems to me which is odd, considering we all have emotions! I have been told to 'get over him' so many times by loads of people. Three people have said that it's not that simple so now I don't feel so guilty and stupid for loving him. :)
Being only two of these three things, perhaps I'm not the best to answer. But, I'm gonna try anyway, 'cause that's my way. ;)
My attempt is this: Nothing. Nothing should be expected of you. You are who you are, and it just so happens that you're a 21 year old British girl. You're still yourself, your individual, and you can't be expected to be anything but who you want to be. Screw the other people.
(Oops, sorry, that's my noncomforming rant!)
Keep the non-conformist rants coming! We like them! And I agree, completely, it just gets horribly lonely sometimes. I kinda feel like everybody is achieving things in their lives and I'm stuck where I was when I was 18, which I know probably isn't true, on either count, but I'm liable to feel depressed by it at odd times. It's another aspect of my srange competitiveness.
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