Corrielynn (dmbgirl) wrote, @ 2007-11-04 19:17:00

Current mood:	melancholy
Current music:	The Raconteurs... one of the best debut cds I've ever heard

Desiring a change - for the better
I just finished eating my last fun size Milky Way bar, which made me utterly sad. Not because of the disappearance of the chocolate, but because this afternoon, I was sitting, talking to my mom, and eating them. For some reason, the little chocolate bar reminded me of my mom. And now it's gone.

It's kind of pathetic, I know. I just feel bad, because this weekend home was supposed to be different than other weekends. Usually, I'm with Doug. I love that, but this weekend, I wanted to spend time with my parents. My mom especially, because I know she's going to be going through a rough couple of weeks. Dad is working 7-7 shifts, and when he gets home he usually falls asleep quickly. I don't blame him, those hours are rough. But since Andrew's usually out with Jamie or on the computer/phone, I think she's going to be really lonely lately. And it makes me sad. To the point where I think about it and tear up.

However, this weekend didn't quite work how I had hoped it would. Which was my own fault. I offered to work this weekend, and ended up spending 20 hours at Happy Land. Which meant little time at home. Not to mention the fact that I left the house this morning an hour and a half early for work, so that I could meet Doug for breakfast. I guess I just can't spend time away from that boy :)

Anyways, I find myself missing my mom, even though I saw her not 3 hours ago. I wish I could call her up and say hi, let her know that I worry about her. But after that, I wouldn't have much to say. Mostly, I just want to spend time with her...

I also find myself looking for a personal change... I've been working on self improvements lately, and since I'm alsready working on it all, I wish I could just get myself to be a little more intellectual. I wish I could spell the great words I want to use - I wish I knew precisely what they meant. I wish I was more fluent in subjects that interest me. I wish I could retain knowledge better. I wish I knew how to explain myself better, so that when I have an idea, I can convey it to other people without stammering quite so much. I wish that, instead of listening to other people talk about their ideas, opinions, interests, I had the courage to speak up and offer my own... that I wouldn't be so afraid that they'd see it as silly, poke holes all through it, and then disregard it.

Until I can be more outspoken about it, I'll just be content with quite and introspective... And I think that's ok with me, for now anyways.

	jonny17 2008-11-17 21:27 (link)
	Do you not have the courage to speak up or are you just afraid no one is listening to you or would want to listen? I think people have the words, but they are just afraid to say what it is they truly want to say...that doesn't make sense to me, but make it make sense to you!!! (Reply to this) (Thread)

	dmbgirl 2008-11-17 23:13 (link)
	Back then, I think I didn't have the courage, and didn't believe that anybody would really be listening. I'm a little better about things now, and don't have that much of a problem opening up anymore. Well, I mean, some things take me a long time to open up about, but I'm much better than I used to be :) (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)