|Current mood:|| thoughtful|
|Current music:||the cure|
dont talk of worlds that never were
::sigh:: And I'm tired. No one has updated their journals and so I've nothing to do.
This morning we (Paul, Boot, my mom and I) went to New Braunfels. My mom bought me a bathing suit (it's really nice, and I like it a whole lot) and then we ate at Applebees. We talked a little about college and the future. I think I've got some idea what I will do now. I ordered amazing bourben chicken and indulged in chocolate cake. 9_9
There are so many things on my mind tonight... so many things happening around me and to me.
Tonight I became tired again. It had left for a week and now it's creaping back in. I wonder why. I didn't forget my pills this morning.
I'm trying to think of what to do to be happy. I'm trying to think of things I really like and consider why those things are such major parts of my life... what they really mean to me. It must seem silly that videogames, especially Resident Evil, are at the top of my list of things I enjoy. It's a very fullfilling obsession. I really like Paul also. He's my favorite... though I can't help but realize that there is distance growing between us. Maybe not between him and me, but I can feel it sneaking in between me and him. I can feel myself becomming cautious and less comfortable. I'll wait for the epiphany to save me. I don't love him any less. I love him more, I always love him more and need him more. He becomes more my breathing everyday. I think I've just become so aware of the bad things I make him feel I want so much to restrain myself, to purge myself, and starve myself of those thoughts, those feelings... I don't know what I'll lose in the process. I can't be sad about it. There is no other option. Just to wait in silence, and hope the distance drowns before my own self does.
::sigh:: I really have a lot to think about. Or at least a lot to feel.
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For all of those times you went through that.. and though you may never read this... |
I'm sorry. I wasn't in a state where i was aware of what i was causing you. I was going through major changes, and it took a seperation of us in order for me to become clear minded. It is incredibly painful to realize that the love that you had for me then, i didn't respect to the fullest. I let it go to waste, and i'm sorry. I hope that one day you'll find it in your heart to forgive me for who i was then.. I always think about you and what you helped me realize, and i'll never, EVER, forget it Erika. I hope this finds you one day, when hopefully you will look back on your past and maybe come across this message.
Paully Poopman. 9/14/2005
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