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make it bleed (die_trying) wrote,
@ 2003-10-20 09:01:00
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    Current mood: dirty
    Current music:deftones

    you should wake up
    i know i have a lot to update on ... so i suppose i need to start with my pretrial

    it was tuesday - oct 14th
    that night the power went out. and this is what i wrote ....

    last night i didn't sleep. i took a shower and i sang. after stepping out i checked to make sure the house was empty. no one was home and i felt slightly content. my nerves knotted after i started to get dressed and i couldn't find an explanation. i began to feel that the day was going to be a failure. then i remember july 22nd. i was ready nearly an hour before our planned time to leave and i felt anxious and useless. we left a half hour early arriving at the courthouse around 11am. we waited for her.

    the courthouse was like a distorted fantasy: not reality and yet so; curious and disappointing - all together bizarre. some barbie dolls strolled through the halls - complete with mechanical movements less human than an android. what i assumed to be "business" women were strutting through the halls as if they had bigger balls than every male present. many locals roamed in the mix, looking shabby and addicted.

    about 1130am we met with her. she explained everything and i wondered if she had had less coffee since the last i'd seen her. i complete the paper work. we leave for lunch. the jerk doesn't answer any of my attempted calls. he doesn't show either.

    we locate the courtroom about 45 minutes before the scheduled pre trial. and wait. when the doors open i file in with approx. two dozen others. after several cases, i am called. i answer all the judge's questions concerning my understanding of my rights, my charges, and my plea bargain. i then admit to being guilty and a date for my sentencing is set for november 24th at 930am. we then go to the probation office to fill out more paper work.

    we go to visit my dad. questions cannot be dodged concerning my choice to move to new jersey. i was nervous and felt slightly embarrassed hearing myself explain the situation. of course this should have been so surprise to me.

    i felt extreme discomfort at the thought of being there with "her". as anyone who understands the situation might expect, i was desperately trying to see through her transparency since the moment she made her presence known. oddly enough she was solid.

    i left with an invitation to a family get-together two weekends from now.

    i suppose it was about this time i wandered away from the desk.

    this past weekend was homecoming. if you care here are the details.

    mike came over and woke me up sat sometime early afternoon. we went to the mall so he could get new shoes. we ran around with his mom for a bit. then came home to get ready. he drank a decent amount of robotussin. i took a shit load of benadryl and killed the rest of the robotussin on top of it. i put on my make up and my mom took a couple pictures of us and we were off - just as the shit started to kick in.
    we got there and waited outside for robyn and saw a few people. we went in and i started to feel high. by the time the first few songs had played i was climbing to my peak. i danced and danced and danced, taking off my shoes before too long. i lost mike almost immediately, finding for intervals of a few seconds after what seemed like every half hour. the night seemed endless and i peaked at i don't know what time - which also seemed endless. it felt so good to be high again.
    it was enjoyable at yet slightly disturbing at the same time, because i always felt like i was going to fall over, i had to try hard to control what i was saying, and i just knew that i definitely looked like i was fucked. i came straight home, and mike went to dc with some people to a strip club. i refused to go because i didn't want to get with reach of any more trouble. i tried to talk to chris. i felt so shitty after getting him on the phone because i was so high. i can recall telling him that now. i remember having this feeling that he was just really disappointed in me. all in all, not too bad of a night.

    so ... next week i leave for new jersey. this coming weekend i'm going to visit with dad and family for his birthday. i'll head out a day or after returning to elizabeth, where i'll stay until my next court date.

    i hate cold weather...

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