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DemnShade (demnshade) wrote,
@ 2004-10-21 00:54:00
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    Current mood:emotional
    Current music:Apoptigma Berzerk

    Words never make sense....
    "What do you fear most in the world? The possibility that love is not enough " ( Apoptigma Berzerk )

    God... there is something about sitting up late at night when everyone is asleep that makes you think. I can't help but feel a-tad-bit lonly. I miss Val.. I miss everyone here that I will have to leave to go back to Idaho... and everyone there... at home and on a little (ok very big) island called Cali. Yeah shut up.. its an island to me.. yeah if you saw "end of Ze world " on SO... maybe I don't get to see everyone like I would love to do but it doesn't make the "missing" any less. I knew damn well coming here would spark my thoughts but it needs to be done and delt with. I'm going to be 23... and I can do anything in the world to make myself content... but it doesn't chase away needing to be with people I care for. The need to hear their voice and feel them close to me when I hug them. It doesn't erase a god damn thing... I know what I must do.. go back home and get myself together... and wonder why it took me so fucking long in the first place to do so. Ok.. I am stubborn and had to deal with things that were not to be stopped.. yes I will remind myself I am ok and in better situations. People have thier jobs, their school... they have their wonderful boyfriends and goals they want to set... and I sit here feeling like a homeless person with only feelings to keep me company.. hey thats fine.. I will never be perfect.. I wil never be rich.. even if I were I wouldn't be... I will never be everything everyone wants me to be... well.. AND it doesn't make me sad... because nothing could be as rich as these feelings inside me.. as the love I have for people and the great people in my life...Ok so maybe I am whinning... I guess what I am trying to say is... I don't want to leave my friends but I don't want to not travle and experience things... but I wish I knew what "home" felt like... Many of my friends have found where they call home.. and me.. well.. ehh....home is where I make it... I never really concidered a place home I guess. I remind myself of my characters sometimes.. its rediculous...anyway...Yeah so ...I am not unhappy... I am very happy with my family and the friends I have.. ok so.. getting things together is going to be tedious and annoying but I do have a goal I am heading for...but something is missing... If i said what it was people might make fun of me for it. It's a stupid reason think about right now... concidering how I am and have no reason to complain... ok.. a little vague but I can't sit here and babble about it for the next hour becase that isn't going to change a damn thing. I am just a tad-bit sullen and missing people... I never really had anything... but I had "them" and still do and I am thankful for that... but scared shitless to be without them... heh... its ok.. next year I will come back and see them.. its ok... Something is going to happen here.. I am not sure what it is.. and it will be very weird.. I do not think it is a bad thing at all but its been scratching at the edge of my brain. You both might be laughing at me right now for admiting that(maybe not ) but I had to.. I have no one to talk to about it.. blah ... I am sitting here wreckless out of my mind wishin i smoked or something...because I can't stop thinking and feeling strange... and no one is awake ....Oh fuck it... I am not as hard nosed as i may seem... I am a little emotional under my skin... and I have too much "care" and "love" inside me right now I feel like i am going to exploade... I just want to gte into my car and drive.. just fucking drive with the music so loud... I miss her.. I miss Val... When I am around her I feel so happy.. she makes the pain go away... I am not lonly.. I don't need a fucking boyfriend who won't give a shit about me anyways... and to tell you the truth it rips me apart to be away from her... I knew this would happen. i would be fine.. until the 3rd or 4rth day came and now I am scared to leave... to leave those I love here... but I know I can't stay.. there is something I must do out there.. "west' wherever.. I am not sure what it is.. but I have a feeling I need to be out there.. I just wish they could come with me... My womens.... they love me and take care of me.. and they let me love tell you the truth friendship has been the only thing I can guarantee that is strong and lasts... with thoser certain people...GOD! I am ranting now... and I can't stop writing... I hate it.. I am tired.. but awake.. and missing people.. would it be terrible to say that I miss you too Juliya? That I miss you too Seth? Even though you eat all of my donuts... I could deleate this fucking entry but I don't want to... I would rather you know me... for what I am... here it is... a part of me.. who is too god damn loving and emotional for her own god at times... Once... Imight have wished I were dead....but I am so glad to be alive... because I "GOT HERE" where I see things differently and I love " feeling" even if it may tear me apart at times... but I love it... Juliya... I hope one day you reach this point where everything is so beautiful it makes you cry.. where you are happy ... there is going to be bad times.. and good but ... you're gonna be ok... just pull through and here's my hand... take it.. and have fait in yourself... I imagined myself saying that to you yesterday... wiping away your tears... and telling you.. its ok...and I said to you.. just have faith in yourself... its hard but you can do it...Seth... I'm not sure if there are any words I can say to you... for some reason I think of you when I hear " enjoy the silence by depeche mode" I am sure there is more beauty in your silence than words... maybe its because I see through writing.... who knows... but if people don't see how great you are then they are fucking crazy and stupid... If there was something I could give up... just to see you both... see your faces... and hug you both even if for a second.. it would be worth it...You can cll me crazy all you want. God.. I don't have the words to express how I feel right now to anyone... I am a fucking blubbering idiot... I don't expect anyone to believe me... I do not expect anything from anyone... but I give all I know how to give to do my best to at least make someone smile... and feel good about themselves... I hope to get a smile out of you at least once a day then I know I gave you a part of myself.

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2004-10-21 19:51 (link)
I sorry Jess *Snuggles* :(

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