The Boyfriend Application
It’s that time of the year again. No, not the boyfriend searching one, you presumptuous fiend! No, it’s exam time for us lovely university students. While this does entail a lugubrious amount of studying, it also means a hell of a lot of procrastinating. When I procrastinate, I surf my trusty Facebook. And while stalking some of my friends, I came across Chelsea Hagan’s boyfriend application. So here’s my go at her amazing idea:
PREAMBLE
I’ve definitely finished that terrible phase that requires every teenage girl to only drool over celebrities and to compare these celebrities with real people. Fear not, future boyfriend: in my eyes, only extremely rarely will you be compared with the likes of Andrew Garfield or Prince Will (and I promise that I will try to keep these comparisons for the positive). I’ve gone on dates, broken hearts, fallen for the impossible, and have always been too afraid to settle. So, if I haven’t frightened you yet, future boyfriend, please continue reading and you too may enjoy a relationship filled with fishy faces, insecurities, books, and many other absurdities. Oh, and lots of spicy food too.
REQUIREMENTS
Inspiringly Smart: I need you to talk nerdy to me. I promise you I will be just as geeky. So, when I’m going off about baroque interior design or international relations theory, I need you to do more than barely keep your eyes open. I want you to challenge me, but not push me over the edge. Hence the “inspiring” part.
Ambitious: While it’s all well and good that you’re in pre-med, pre-law, or whatever else tickles your fancy, I need you to do something with that fancy education and those intellectual pretentions. I don’t care what it is you do, so long as you are always striving to improve yourself. But, while I understand that your career is important, so is mine. And more importantly, while I understand our careers are important, know that I will be just as important as your job, and you will be as important to me as my job. So, there will never be an excuse for you to forget our anniversary. Ever.
Somewhat Tall: This means that, while I have tried time and time again to reason that I could love a guy shorter than me, I just don’t think my shallowness would allow that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not very shallow, but we all have weak points, right? If it’s any consolation I’m 165 cm, and with heels I aim for 170. So, that shouldn’t be too hard. As long as I’m not taller than you in heels, we’ve got a deal.
Funny: This may be a deal maker. If you are not funny, I don’t think we can be together. I need you to naturally make me laugh ‘till I cry. I want your humour to be witty, occasionally dry, and always good-natured. Whether it be painting your face on Halloween, or wearing a “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirt on Canada Day, you’ve got to make me bubble with giggles. I’ll try to do the same, though my humour is more a result of my occasional absent-mindedness. As in, I will push on pull doors. Always.
Confident: Everyone has their bad days, but I need you to always be confident in what you do. And it has to be legit confidence that oozes charm. Don’t be obnoxious, but always know what you’re doing. There will be a day where my faucet is leaky (no innuendo intended), and I will need you to fix it. When I watch scary movies, you have to be my beacon of strength. No shivering, yelps of fear or closing of the eyes allowed.
Thrilling Conversationalist: Yes, Chelsea, I took this one from you. But in all honesty, this relationship needs to be even on both sides. I do not want to drag words out from your mouth. I don’t mind us being quiet together, but we have to talk. About everything. I don’t care if you want to talk about the zit on your face, China’s democratic future, the meaning of life, or what shoes you’re going to wear today. I just need us to be able to talk. If you even think about closing yourself off from me, I will shut the door on you before I even get the chance to hear an explanation. I want us to enjoy our conversations, however silly or heated they can get. I want them to be so amazing that we’ll turn the TV down just to keep talking. Except when Antiques Roadshow is on. That’s a big no-no.
Well-Dressed: Please note that well dressed will never entail baggy jeans that sit below your bum, or any ripped articles of clothing. Or stains on clothing. I suppose this comes with confidence and ambition, but I believe clothing is an expression of who you are. I’m not asking you to dress like a Burberry model, but you have to be classy and sharp. And sure, you may not be perfectly dressed at first, but by this token, you must be totally open and willing to let me dress you, or at least educate you in the world of fashion.
Desirous of Children: Yet another stolen from Chelsea. I don’t do short-term relationships, if you haven’t gotten that note yet. So, if you aren’t interested at any point in being a father, (read: excellent, supportive father) please do not bother sending in an application. I don’t want children within the next 3 years or anything. But, after law school, after I’m married, and preferably before I’m 30, I’d like to pop one or two out. I want our children to be more than just tokens of our consummation or trophies. I want them to be deeply loved and cared for. And note that with children, comes diaper duty. And potty training.
Healthy: Call it social Darwinism, but I prefer that you not be morbidly obese. I also don’t want you to be a lanky toothpick either. I want you to be strong enough that when I have a nightmare, or see a centipede walk across the kitchen floor, your strong arms will quickly wrap around me. I need to feel protected. So when I say healthy, I ask that you be both physically and emotionally healthy. You don’t need to frequent the gym 5 times a week, but if we went cycling together, canoeing, or just any sort of physical activity about once a week I’d be a happy camper. If we’re in it together, and you’re my main investment, I’m going to work to make you as healthy as possible, and vice versa. Yes, that means not eating fast food often.
Spiritual: Read: this does not mean religious. I’m putting it out there that I am agnostic, and that I hail from Orthodox backgrounds. I am open to religion, whichever you may belong to, so long as we can loosely celebrate yours and mine, and never force anything upon anyone, especially our child(ren).
Chiavlrous: It ain’t dead boys, at least not for me. Now I don’t need you to come out on a white stallion and your finest armour. I need you though, to open doors for me. To give me your jacket when I get cold. To know your manners. Well. It’s something I want to teach our children, because I see etiquette and chivalry as signs of respect. If I’m going to treat you well, I sure as hell want to be treated like a Queen.
BONUS POINTS (THOUGH BY NO MEANS REQUIRED)
British Accents, Jewish ancestry, deep thirst for travel, insane love for thai food, sincere appreciation for history, literature and art, general love for British comedy.
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
“Well, there you have it. A brief list of the humble requirements for the future love of my life. It’s not much, trust me. I’m easygoing and open to change (except for the requirements).
And even if I weren’t, I am worth it. I am incredibly interesting, always right, unbelievably beautiful, and exceptionally hilarious. These few requests are mere motes of dust in comparison to the god-like pleasure of spending your time with me.”
I accept applications in the form of .doc, .docx, .pdf, .psd (yeah, be creative! Show you possess those requirements!), and .rtf . Anything else will not be tolerated because I don’t have a Mac, don’t really know or want to know how to use one. Remember, I am the techy for now, but I want you to be just a teensy bit techier than me. Not a lot. Not like I play video games 24/7 and all I want to do is rip apart computers for parts. Just a bit techier than me. Just a bit.
Best of luck!
Only those that are eligible for an interview will be contacted. I appreciate all your efforts.
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