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Dear Therapist, It is now past the six-month mark since our last meeting. Since that February day, I have been on the road to a recovery of sorts ... recovering from the emotional impact of knowing the hurt, the fear, the broken trust and feelings of betrayal my actions caused you and my family. In my work with my new therapist, I have discovered many insights about myself and learned much; some of which was painful to examine. One of the first lessons I learned was how blinded I was by my feelings and how totally false my assumptions were that I could not be successful with another therapist. You told me frequently that motivation is the key to progress; I remember hearing it, but emotionally, I felt my progress was tied to you. During our discussion on transference I realized that full disclosure would mean your referring me out; remaining your client was so important that I did what I had to in order to protect my status: I lied. Your intuition that day was correct: My emotional state that day betrayed my fear of being truthful about transference. I only knew I needed to talk to you and be honest about these feeings. I understood being referred ouit was a possible outcome, but I knew this was a discussion I knew I needed to have with you. When that outcome seemed likely, I panicked. In looking back, I understand not only how wrong I was to lie, but also how correct you would have been to refer me out. In my research on transference at that time, I understood the definition of the term. However I could not understand what had triggered it, nor did I understand what relationship was being "transferred." With the help of my therapist, I have come to understand what happened and why it happened. Soon after that meeting, I started a journal -- the journal you eventually discovered. I have had a difficult time learning to live with the knowledge of the injury my actions have had on you and my own family. My actions undermined my therapy by selfishly seeking to pry into your private life. I was obsessed with finding out more about the "real" person on the other side of the room. I knew the boundaries; I selfishly believed violating boundaries in secret was somehow less wrong than doing so in plain sight. For these violations of your trust, your privacy, your sense of safety and security, I apologize. I have been unable to find sufficient words to express the regret I carry in my heart. My actions deeply hurt my wife and my son, both of whom lost access to your services because of me. In light of the perspective I have gained, I see how right and how necessary a referral would have been in my case. I don't know that I could have ever reached the point of understanding my transference issues had I remained your client. I doubt it. All of my improper actions came after our discussion on transference. I wish to express my most sincere thanks for your agreement to accept a communication from me in order that I might make amends for my actions. I recognize that you did not owe me that right, and I would not have been surprised if you rejected my request. I see now that both you and my current therapist understood how important this step was for my own coming to terms with my actions. I knew it was the right thing to do, and again, thank you for allow me to send it. I have and will continue to respect your privacy and your request for no contact (hence this letter in the Blurty "Unsent Letters" community). I no longer intrude on your private or professional life (online or otherwise), and I hope that in the instance that our paths may cross that my presence causes you no anxiety or fear. Being feared is a horrible thing, but knowing my actions prompted that response is still a painful fact I must live with. I can never fully express my appreciation for the work you did with me as a client. I followed up on your referral a couple of days after our last meeting, and finding my new therapist was the only thing that allowed me to move forward. I have wanted to somehow feel OK, to live life again without the guilt and regret, but I realize that isn't likely -- and probably for the best. The best I can expect is to understand what happened, understand how wrong my actions were, and to avoid committing similar actions against anyone else. I ask only that you forgive my transgressions, for I have emerged from this with a new awareness and perspective. Thanks again for the help you gave me, for the times you supported me, for your empathy and compassion. You believed in me at a time when I could not believe in myself. For this I will always be grateful. God bless you. Your former client
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