Dear J,
This has all been really hard for me.
I've known you so long but at the same time, I don't really know you at all. It almost seems silly to say that I fell for a man whose face I've never even touched. But really, it's not silly at all...not to me, at least. You saved me. You pulled me out from the cold and gave me warmth. You never gave up, no matter how hard things got. You were always there. Always. And somewhere along the road of sneaking late-night phone calls, singing each-other to sleep and trading crappy, low quality web-cam pictures of each-other...I fell in love with you. It's been almost eight years since we started talking, and still to this very day I find that I may very well still be in love. No matter how many other men I've dated, no matter who they've been or how nice they were...they were never you. Why is it that I've always been lucky to find a great guy, but they've never been enough? I left you because it hurt...it hurt that I couldn't kiss you, I couldn't touch you or smell your cologne or look into your eyes...it hurt more than anything. So I left. I left because I wanted those things more then I ever wanted anything else in the world, and I hoped that by leaving you for someone else, those urges- those needs- would go away. Well it's been eight years and I still feel them. I still think about you almost every day and from time to time, I even cry. Am I stupid for letting you go? Or was it really for the best? I don't know. I can't figure it out... The only thing I do know is that I will love you forever.
I still want to live my life with you the way we had always dreamed about together. But I'm afraid that maybe it's not what you want anymore...which is why I continue to distance myself from you. Every time we talk, I feel like I fall for you a little more each time, and I can't do that now. I can't hurt him the way I've hurt the others. But this is not goodbye, because I don't ever want you out of my life. This is just me admitting that I still love you, because I don't want to lie to you or myself anymore. The sad part is...that I have to lie to him.
Do you think it's true that all good things end, if they haven't even really begun?
Forever yours,
-N
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