|Current music:||Yellow - Coldplay, Your Algebra - The Shins|
im definitely shaking, the silence isnt breaking, backwashed and stranded memories, of something i thought could be
it has been such a long time since ive written a straight entry about anything and everything i was feeling and i need to right now. i have updated in a while, so ill give the rundown.
tuesday was the d.eath cab for cutie concert. it was amazing. after a 2 hour venture through boston at night, we (alanna and i) reached the avalon, across the street from fenway. the opening act (pretty s make graves) was terrible and horrific and if you like them, they were probably bearable recorded. i think the lead singer has the voice of a sparrow with tuberculosis. literally. but DCFC came on and they played 15-20 songs and i basically knew the words to all of them so that made me happy. after they left, we yelled so loud they came back for an encore and played a few of my favorites so it ended on a good note. i bought a hoodie, shirt, and poster. getting home at 1245 on a school night? kinda affective on the homework area.
thursday was really boring, except for the fact that i did an interpretive dance in front of my ENTIRE chem class for mole day. i don't know how it LOOKED, but i got really into it and people started laughing but then weren't. duranceau got pictures and ill get copies and post them here somehow. lots came up after class and commended me on my amount of balls to do what i did. it made me feel foolish and accomplished.
basically right after school on thursday through sunday evening i went to new york with michaela, brian, john, and anna. it was really fun, albeit the claustrophobia (9 people. 1 'suite'. you do the math.) and aggravated tempers/mood swings. long story, and i dont feel like going into all of it, so blah.
monday and today have been horrific and mindnumbing, which i will get to later.
now onto the good stuff.
i love the month of october. i love everything about it: the weather, the palette of faded chlorophylls, the vibrant autumn air, the general atmosphere. october is always a reminiscent time for me. thus, my emotions have pushed me on overload and ive come to several mini-realizations and its all really overwhelming and never really has a set solution/resolution. thinking about it means reestablishing my thoughts.
for one, i h.ate drifting. i h.ate the feeling of it, the way it makes you graze your lower lips with your teeth, as if you are about to bite yourself, and slowly letting out air, and the -g sound that feels like your jaw is clenched if you hold it for long enough and you are helpless. and what that word entails is almost exponentially worse. im a big fan of friends; i have as much friends as i can have, and i try to make more as i can. everytime you think about it, its an experience of its d.eathly meaning. say it: drifting. think about it. feel as it seeps in your brain, depositing toxic thoughts into your cerebral cortex, destroying nerve endings that make you as alive as you are. track it further, and it will stick to the sides of your throat, causing your throat to expand as your immune system tries to fight off this foreign invader, and its hard to speak. but the effects go farther. the word settles in your esophagal acids, and you have butterflies in your stomach and various stomachaches for hours. i get sick talking to someone and knowing i am drifting. and not so much that no one is to blame, that it is their fault and they aren't doing too much to stop it. i experience nausea when i talk to someone, saying about 4 words before awkward ness settles in, and realizing that about a month or two ago, you have 4 or 5 hour long discussions with them about nothing. nada. if you can take care of a pet, take care of a friendship. they all require the same amount of care.
secondly, im scared about Museum. i wasn't letting it get to me before, but im actually scared about it. im scared becuase there are parts i haven't memorized to the back of my hand. there is blocking i always slip up on and i don't know how im going to make myself remember it. there are cues i don't know if i will ever get and i might just play it by intuition. most of all, im scared about my performance thusfar. its probably because i always have an intense fear of failure with everything i do. and since my part in this play is a huge responsibility compared to my roles in other shows, my fear of failure is magnified 400X. i mean, im probably doing fin. iris, sara, and mr byrne have complimented me. its just, its not depositing. i hope itll get better? itll end after the show is over, im sure.
thirdly, all of my teachers ATTACKED me with schoolwork the last two days. i can understand monday, with makeup work and all. but today, i have like 4 hours of homework for just tonight, and like 5 or 6 project due in the next week. its insane. sitting in class gave me headaches. and there's the college notion. i need to get all this work on time, and do my best, because i have to do amazing this year. junior year is THE year. if i don't do well this year, it messes up my entire high school year. and ive already built myself up to get into a decent college. assuming i get in, because ill probably have an emotional breakdown from all the work, and my grades'll drop, and ill just academically flop like a fish-out-of-water.
maybe its not just that im scared of failure, but we're long lost friends that had a bad falling out and now im avoiding seeing them for fear of the awkwardness of lost time.
that was too much. im off to some work, surprisingly. if you read that, bravo.
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