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|Current music:||Throw Me Away-Korn|
I'm Jen and I'm 21.
I've been a cutter since I was 14.
I haven't cut myself in 2 years (more or less), not because I wanted to stop. I had to.
I got pregnant and stopped myself from cutting.
It didn't really stop me from S.I-ing myself...I'd find different ways to inflict damage without having to lose any blood; scratching, pinching, biting, pulling my hair. I guess you could say I was a real psycho or whatever. Immediately after the baby was born, D.S.S was called on me for neglect because of reasons unknown to me. Of course, they brought up when I cut as a teen (My grandmother called D.S.S on my mom. Nice family I got, huh?) Which is ridiculous because that case was closed years ago and there wasn't any new cuts, marks or scars anywhere on me. (I fucking hate D.S.S) I'm still on D.S.S to this day and it's been almost 11 months.
Now, a part of me really misses that sting...that sweet release. I miss the tingle, the taste, the fucking rush and Hell knows I fucking need it! All the stress I've been under, all the stupid shit I've been doing and the stupid shit that's being done to me...Life has been a living Hell and it'd be 100X worse if not for my Baby-Girl: Raine Baby-Lynn. (She's my world, my heart, my everything b.t.w) There are times, tho, where I'm standing in the shower, shaving my legs and I'd stop...look at the beautiful row of 5 razor blades just glaring at me, singing to me...Just fucking taunting me....I want to go back so bad. I would hate it, however, if Rae-Rae were to see them or if my social worker decides to "take a look to make sure". He hasn't asked about it or anything, which makes it that much easier to just give in...I don't want this for Raine...but I need something..I've turned to drugs for a while but...I need more...I want it so bad andI don't know what to do...
Damn, that felt good. Before I found this community I had no one to talk to about this because it's always the same fucken thing: "Ohh, don't do it. You have so much to live forrrr. There are people who love yooouuuu." GrrrrAH! Ignorance! All of it...Like assholes who think because I cut, I want to die or kill myself. I've said it before and I'll say it again:
"If I wanted to die...I'd be dead already...Dumbass."
Thanks for listening to my rambles...I feel so much better now. =D
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Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I know exactly where you're coming from. I have self injured in one form or another since I was around 11 years old. I'm 22 now. I went 3 years without cutting...and then a year ago I gave in. I have been much more able to control it this time around than when I was younger. |
I know what you mean about people thinking you wanna kill yourself. That always makes me mad, too. Cutting is just a way to get through the day. Some people smoke, drink, fight, scream, eat, golf...etc...others cut. I wish people weren't so ignorant sometimes. I hope that it all works out for you, but the urge to cut probably won't go away until you do something about it. Turning to drugs is a terrible way to deal with it, because then you really could get your baby taken away...not to mention many other things.
I don't want to advocate cutting, but you can cut in places that are easily hidden or you can make it look like an accident. Just requires control. Another thing that worked for me...was snapping a rubber band on my wrist really hard when I wanted to cut. It doesn't leave long term marks and it can take your mind off wanting to cut for a while. Sometimes, there's nothing like the real thing. I don't think it's a terrible thing for someone to cut themselves every once in a while, as long as you're safe and you don't get carried away.
I'm glad it helped you to share with us. It helps me to do that, too. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this kind of thing either, so I know how cathartic it can be.
Good luck with everything! Stay Strong! :D
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