Jocelyn (stayhere_love) wrote in cutmeintopieces, @ 2008-11-18 21:04:00

new
so i'm new. my names jocelyn.

i haven't cut for 6 months, and then last night i did it. it wasnt cuts that i used to do last year. they weren't as deep, but i made a lot more. the scars are still healing from last time.
i went to my psychologist or whatever (the one who perscribes the meds) and we talked about my regular depression and anxiety. and then i told him how i am more depressed than ever in the winter and never feel like going anywhere, and im always tired all of the time, and that i sleep way more than i should. he diagnosed me with seasonal attentive disorder. its pretty much seasonal depression.


so pretty much all of this week and last week i have been thinking about how it isnt fair. and i know that life isnt fair and it never will be, but i am just acting like a baby. i dont think its fair how i am depressed all of the time. i'm depressed even when nothing depressing happens! it makes me different, and i know different is good but i dont like being different like this. i guess i just need to rant.

so last night i was in my room, and i was so depressed and i have this thing where i cant cry, no matter how hard i try. and bleeding is like my crying i guess. so i dug into the back of my dresser drawer and pulled out the towel that holds my razors wrapped up. and i just began cutting. soon it was like i just needed to see blood, so i cut more and more. i'm afraid that i'm going to start back up again doing it all the time. i have 60 cuts on my leg. and thats just from one night.

why cant i tell all of this to my therapist? because i feel like i let her down..

octofetus 2009-01-29 23:04 (link)

Hi, I haven't posted on blurty in ages and I can't quite remember how to post. All I could find was the comment button. So I hope you don't mind that I'm posting something here. I wish I had some encouraging words to offer but I'm really lost though for what it's worth I'm sorry you have problems as well. I'm drunk in addition to the painkillers that I take every day for back pain. I'm taking heaving breaths and my eyes burn with tears yet I can't reach that breaking point. In the past I've cut myself, hung myself, hit myself, burnt myself yet all of those feel too passive. I'm making a DVD on my laptop. It's music and pictures that I want to be played at my funeral. If I wasn't so wasted I'd go and buy a gun. I've been romanticizing that second inbetween pulling the trigger and the bullet blowing the back of my head off. It probably wouldn't be a second but at least it would be a moment of comfort; however brief. I could kill myself and by extension ever person that treats me like human garbage. I don't understand. I just self published a book. I'm an abstract artist and I've displayed my art, sold copies and numerous people have decorated their homes with my art. I've even done stand up comedy and did really well. I killed on my first time. I have every single material possession I could ever want. I'm detached from every single person on this earth. I would give anything to have someone care about me, to call me, to tell me that I occupy their thoughts. I hope you're not pissed I posted this here. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	hjlauratx 2009-03-08 04:57 (link)
	im sorry i dont know you..but my heart reaches out to you and ur life..i have been there and sometimes go back every now and then...i am here for you anytime you need to vent..please listen to me...life is too precious..i would do anything to see u and talk to u in person and tell u that everyone feels this way...i pray that things will work out for you.. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

poissoniveey 2009-10-04 00:59 (link)

Hey, I can't even imagine what you're going through, your state of mind reminds me of a vicious circle of delirium and depression, one that is impossible to comprehend still, and recover from. I venerate artists, not just because of their exquisite cognate capabilities, but their idiosyncracy of person, and so, it's painful for me to see such a talented person in a perplexing quagmire. I can't promise to be of a lotta help, but if at any point of time you need to vent or be heard, do contact me. Hope you're doing good. Regards. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

don't be afraid ... walter_mitty 2009-03-14 15:56 (link)

Jocelyn, don't be afraid of talking to your therapist about this. She's the one person you can be honest with, who is there to listen to you and to help you. Talking about it will help, though I know how hard it is to admit this, and to open up to her. Therapists have been a wonderful gift in my own life, though its not always easy to be open when you feel you have done something that may disappoint her. Trust someone who has been in your shoes, talking to her will help. Good luck! (Reply to this) (Thread)

poissoniveey 2009-07-13 11:36 (link)

i believe i am a little too late about posting a comment on your journal entry, hope its forgivable cuz i stumbled upon this website recently. i just wanted you to know that you seem a wonderful person to me jocelyn, like your pretty name, cuz from your entry it is clear that you are a sensitive person and despite knowing the world is unfair, you still have this will to battle the odds and fight your depression, which is rare. people around you, need your strength, so try not to give in to the crave for cutting, i know it is difficult, i undergo treatment for seasonal depression too, but the way you sound here, determined and able to handle and talk about this, i know you can. and i think telling your psychologist about it will not only help you, but help her to make it easy for you to stop cutting. if you need to talk, i'm here.take care. (Reply to this) (Thread)