Hey, I'm new. I'm 18 and have been using SI for 4 years now off and on. When I first started, I would scratch my wrists with a paperclip, a pen cap anything that I could find. I would go to the bathroom during class and scrape the hell out of my wrists. I eventually took up burning and branding when I was 15. I was going through a really rough patch and branded an X in the space between my thumb and pointer finger which turned out to look like a cross. The scar is still there, after over 3 years. I stuck with burning because it gave instant satisfaction and was quick. I've been with my best friend forabout 16 months now and since I've been with him I've only branded once. This past July. He found out and got really kind of annoyed actually. I've been so happy and positive. He makes me feel like I'm worth something. But now my life seems to be slipping from my control, and it's mostly my fault. I cracked last week. I've branded 5 times since last Wednesday..and I think I want to do it again tonight. My boyfriend has no clue. I've been wearing bracelets and hoodies all week. He'd be crushed if he found out. You can explain to someone that they're the reason you wake up in the morning but how can you make them understand that you have to kill yourself a little bit in order to keep going?
It sucks. I feel horrible.
Why aren't there any communities specifically for burning and branding? I've never cut, besides those brief encounters with paper clips, so I have an idea of what it is to bleed but I've never experienced it myself.
Maybe tonight's the night.
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