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The suicide entry
Webheads let me ask you a question.
In the course or your life, have you ever, even for a second ever seriously contemplated suicide? And I don't mean the sort of curiosity or wondering about how you would do it or what effect your suicide might have on someone else, I mean really sat down and thought about it as a form of action? I have. In fact I came within twenty minutes of suicide once.
As any of you that have been reading my journal would probably have guessed by now, I am a loser. Now being a loser is fine so long as you realise you are one. I have no friends at uni, I'm falling behind on the work (I have about fifteen essays to catch up on and counting) I have no girlfriend, no one close to talk to, I am ugly, uncharismatic and annoying. Now I could live with all those qualities, I could live my life in a state of perpetual misery safe in the knowledge that I will never get anything better. That was my philosophy and it stood me in good stead for ages, until the worse thing in the world happened: I got a girlfriend, and not just any girlfriend, but the most beautiful, funny and caring girl in the universe. 'Wa hey' I thought, quid’s in. And for every second I was with her I was tripping on love. Now you know how that turned out; yada yada yada she dumps me, goes out with another poor fellow and completely deletes me from her life. Only, she didn't. In fact she has still never to this day said that she wanted to split up with me. If I wanted to be technical about it we are still going out. No, she just stopped talking to me, and that was kind of the problem. You see, now that I had known what happiness and popularity was like, I couldn't go back to just being a loser again.
I felt utterly, utterly depressed and alone. I couldn't cope; I spent every night locked in my room stifling my crying so as not to alert the other housemates, all the time wondering 'why won’t she speak to me?' Eventually I made the decision: I was going to kill myself.
I suffer from chronic headaches so my doctor had given me some XXL strength painkillers, and on the day I decided to kill myself I had about thirty of them left, easily enough to overdose on. I remember planning it all out; I would do it at midnight, that way I wouldn’t' be found until the next day, by then it would be far to late to save me. At ten in the evening I wrote my note apologising to everyone. Then I did what I had never done since I was five years old: I prayed. I prayed to the God that I hoped existed, I told him I was sorry and I begged him to forgive me.
But when midnight came I didn't take the pills, because at 23:40 my mobile phone rang. Lowe and behold, it was Marisa, she had called me to check I was alright. I told her I missed her deeply and that I wanted to be with her, she told me that she would be there for me. We chatted for a good hour. She saved my life that evening. True she has reduced me to tears many times since but I haven't gone back to the pills yet.
So why haven't I killed myself since? things haven't got any better, in fact things are getting progressively worse almost daily. The fact is that I'm a coward. And although I am certain I would have done it that night if she hadn't have phoned, the truth is I haven't built up the mental strength to do it since.
I have always had a massive amount of respect for people that commit suicide. I have always thought of them as people that have made a stand against sadness and misery. Kurt Cobain, Virginia Wolfe, Alan Turing all stood up against the hypocrisy and lies that dogged them all their lives. They are self martyrs.
In Roman times suicide was not seen as a cowardly way out like we see it, it was seen as a honour and a test of character.
I'd been meaning to write this entry for weeks but I couldn't figure out a way of writing it without it sounding like I am crying out for sympathy, because I'm not. Don't worry I'm not going to kill myself anytime soon. I'm just starting to get used to being a loser again. Neither am I abdicating suicide as a good way of solving problems, of course it isn't. I just want to know if I'm the only one that has felt so down that they have felt the need to end it all. And why are suicide rates the highest they have been for decades?
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I've contemplated it, got started a little, and was saved by my Craig. I was going through a very rough patch with my parents and Craig and I had had an arguement, and I was very very upset. I took a razor, got the blade out and started to cut my arms. I wanted to get rid of all my feelings except the pain of the razor blade. Luckily Craig sent me a message over MSN appologising and then I rang him to tell him how sorry I was too.|
I used to think that suicide was a way to get onto the next level of living. A short cut (no pun intended) to getting on the path to the next stage, whatever that may be. Craig also tried to commit suicide... He tried to hang himself on a tree, but the branch snapped. I thank Gods that both of us didn't succeed otherwise we wouldn't be here today.
Keep strength in your heart Kris. It will get better. Hugs. You have my e-mail if you ever want to talk...
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