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Kristian (crombie) wrote,
@ 2005-03-09 16:02:00
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    Current music:Hope of the States- Black Dollar Bills

    Who's in charge?
    Hello Webheads, me again
    When I was a kid I used to love playing Hide and Seek, I was a master at it especially considering my height. I remember playing epic games with my brother and all my cousins whenever we went to my Gran's house. My family have always been very competitive so we were always trying to out do each other and stay hidden for the longest time, and there's a lot of tactics involved, the trick I found was to sometimes hide in obvious places, such as under covers or behind doors as this in turn made them less obvious as the person looking for you would assume that you had found a better place to hide. Happy times indeed.
    But now I'm grown up, and I haven't got anyone to find, and no one to find me, however I still feel like I've been playing hide and seek all my adult life.
    Recently I have been travelling on trains a lot and I have discovered that they are very lonely places; they give you a lot of time to think, and think I try to. Have you ever wondered about your place in this universe? I have, and it's not a pleasant thought. Of course if you believe in God or any form of higher being then you're sorted, like wise if you believe in nothing at all and think that we are just living our lives randomly and in chaos you can at least take comfort in the fact your life is out of your hands and that nothing matters anyway. But what about the large group of people that haven't made their mind up yet? Let me share something with you now my fellow Webheads: I, until very recently was a Christian, It's not that I have suddenly stopped believing in God or anything, it's just that I have too many questions and doubt in my mind to sincerely call myself a believer. I mean, there is a lot to suggest that we are alone in this godless universe, a recent example is the Asian tsunami, how can any God that has the power to control the Earth allow something like that to happen? I suppose the only reason God exists is so we can sleep at night safe in the knowledge that there is someone watching over us. But I don't want to believe that there is no one in charge of this planet, because if there isn't then what hope have I got?
    I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm lonely, and I know for a fact I’m not the only one, and the only thing that stops me braking down into a suicidal depression is the hope that things will get better, and at the minute the only way I can think that that is going to happen is if God intervenes. But even if he does exist then what have I done to deserve being found, I 'm just one person, there were thousands of innocent people killed during the tsunami.
    I emailed the Samaritans a while back, I was quite reluctant to do so, not because I was scared to confront my feelings but because I was worried that they were just going to be patronising and 'there there' about it all, but my fears were laid to rest, the email I got back was helpful and made sense and did help me feel better. If you're feeling genuinely depressed then I would definitely recommend them, you can email them at jo@samaritans.org
    Despite all this, I have learnt enough from life to know that things do get better, and nothing stays bad forever, and whether it's God, nature or good old fashion fate that makes things change I hope something happens soon, for hope is all I've got left.
    Kris
    kristian_farnan@hotmail.com



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