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The end of the affair
Hello again webheads
Your humble narrator has returned after ten weeks of not updating this weblog. I can only sincerely apologise for my absence, the thing is until ten weeks ago I was a miserable person, and good art only tends to come from miserable people, take a look at van Gogh, Wilde, Wolfe and Dickens and you'll see that they used their misery to create works of art. So, ten weeks ago as you may have read I lost my misery, bitterness and sadness when Marisa told me that she loved me, since then I've been happy and content every second of my waking days and because of that I Haven't had any cause to complain about anything. That's one of the reasons why I've been away from this log, another is that I know how annoying it is to constantly be reminded of how lonely we are and how happy other people are, and I knew no one would want to read a journal consisting of good news and optimism.
So, I hear you ask, why have I come back to this weblog now? Well alas, my love affair is over, Marisa has left me for someone else. It was all rather sad from my point of view.
Marisa and I used to phone each other at least everyday when we weren’t together, until February, when the phone calls stopped. She would never make contact with me and never answer the phone when I called her. I made every effort to get in touch with her, I phoned her, emailed her, wrote to her, I even travelled all the way from High Wycombe to her little village in Bedfordshire just to see her.
I guess I knew it was over long before she told me; I just wanted to know for certain. Last Wednesday I made another attempt to phone her on her mobile, a man's voice answered. He told me in no uncertain terms to fuck off and leave Marisa alone. So I did, I walked away, and I haven't made any attempt to get in contact with her since, save for a text message telling her that I wont bother her again.
For days after I was in a state of confusion; why would she have treated me like that, I've never done anything to upset her. After the confusion came anger, absolute, childlike anger. For the first time in my life I hate someone, I hate Marisa and I want her dead. And these feelings terrify me; I've never felt like this about anyone before and certainly no one that's played such a part in my life.
I feel ashamed that I feel unadulterated hatred for someone, I've always believed in peace and love, but now I just feel bitterness and anger because of her, and that makes me hate her even more.
Perhaps Newton was right when he said that every action has an equal and opposite reaction, maybe it's easier to hate someone you've loved, to wish death on someone that's saved your life. Either way I was thinking about the old saying 'it's better to have loved and lost...' and This makes me wonder, would I have still gone through all the great times I did if I knew that it would end like this, and I think that if I'm honest the answer would be yes. I've learnt a lot about life in these ten weeks and I've learnt that far from being the stupid, ugly, unlovable scumbag I thought I was, I am able to be loved. I can at least take comfort in that.
Anyway the upshot of all this is that I am back writing trivial entries in this journal. Next subject: What ever happened to Wagon wheels?
Kris
kristian_farnan@hotmail.com
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