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music · matchbook romance - farewell to friends. * blurty sucks. i'm switching journals. i'm not giving out the address though.. i've given it to the people who i want reading it.. i don't need anymore bullshit. a journal is supposed to be about what i need to write about.. and i can't do that here.. i may still update once and a while.. but i dunno.. this is pretty much my last entry.. so since this is my last entry, which just so you know, will be extremely fucking long and pretty boring.. i'd like to state something, fuck all of you.. if you're going to comment shit to this entry, then that's fine. at least sign your name though. for once, i'm using this journal for it's purpose.. for it's last entry i'm going to write what i'm actually feeling. i'm going to write shit that i don't even fucking care what people say in my comments. i don't care anymore. have fun making fun of my thoughts and feelings. i hope you do. but i don't care. i'm writing what i want to write.. goodbye blurty. i may come back and visit once and a while.. i shall miss thee. * i've been doing a lot of thinking lately.. and my whole perspective of life has changed. i gave up bitching about people that i disliked a while ago.. but this is my new theory.. no hatred. yeah, i've gotten pissed at people lately and talked shit/said shit to their face.. but i'm so sick of wasting my energy on hating people that i won't even remember after high school anyway. i'll look back on my yearbook pictures and say like, 'i miss her.' i'm not going to look back and say 'oo i hate that girl with a passion, she's a slut, blah, blah, blah.' it's pointless.. we won't remember any of this.. grudges are pointless. eventually you lose the reason why you were even fighting with someone.. there's no point and i'm done.. i don't even care if i once hated you or said shit about you.. it doesn't matter what you did to me at any point in my life.. it's a waste of time and energy. i'm not one of those people who's babbeling on about 'why can't we all just be friends' bullshit.. i'm not saying that at all.. i'm just sick of the petty bullshit.. i no longer hold grudges.. sure, there are people who i have no intention on being friends with.. but i'm not going to be a bitch for no reason anymore.. if you deserve bitching, you will get it. but after i bitch i'm not even going to be pissed anymore. i'm going to stop dwelling on problems and just accept things. at least i'm trying. i'm going to stop dwelling on drama and just laugh about it. i'm done. * it's so odd how fast shit changes in my life.. my best friends are kristen and jen.. i never, never thought that i would ever put down who my best friends are and not have caitlyn as the first person on that list.. i've gone through alot of closest friends, and good friends in the past few years.. but caitlyn was always the first person on that list.. she was always my best friend. she was always the first person i would call whether i wanted advice, help, or shoes.. i never imagined that she wouldn't even be on that list. insead she's on the list of people that say shit about me. 'shit's fucked up' as jeff would say. i was really drunk last weekend and i was on the phone with jeff.. i looked up at the giant baby picture of caitlyn on my mirror and said hold on to jeff.. i didn't go anywhere i just needed to stop talking and think.. i started crying out of no where.. he asked me what was wrong so i told him that i missed caitlyn.. and he said that he was sick of this shit cause he knows i'm not happy without her.. so he convinced me to call her.. she didn't pick up her cell phone though.. i unblocked my number so my number would show up on the caller id. i did that so she could choose whether or not she wanted to talk to me.. instead of picking up to a blocked number and being forced to talk to me cause i was on the phone and she didn't wanna be a bitch to me or anything like that.. it figures she didn't pick up. i hate this feeling.. it would be cool, well not cool, but tolerable if we weren't talking but we also weren't enemys.. but i guess that's just how my life works.. it's never just okay. it goes from heaven to hell. there's never a happy middle and there's hardly ever a heaven anymore.. it's basically just hell.. i'll have my days where things are amazing and i'm so happy. and then there's always something that happens. there's always something that's keeping me from being truely happy. and it doesn't matter how small that something that pisses me off may be, it sends me from heaven to hell in a milli-second. nothing can just be alright. nothing can just be fine. it has to be like this. all the fucking time. * jeff has been so amazing.. kristen put it so well today.. that me and jeff don't seem good together when she just thinks of us together.. we seem like total opposites.. but then when she sees us together we're so amazing together.. she's right. he deserves so much better then me, but he's still with me. and he still loves me. he's the only good thing that i have in my life, and it scares the fuck out of me. the only thing that really worries me is that he's not only my boyfriend, he's not only the boy who i'm completely in love with, he's my best friend. i can talk to him about anything and everything and he's always there for me. he gets me ways that nobody else does. he knows things that nobody else knows. and then i start thinking about what if we break up? what's going to happen to us when we're not even friends anymore? i don't think i would be able to handle loosing him as a boyfriend or as a friend.. i really need to learn to trust him that he loves me and stop denying the fact that he does because i'm afriad of the future.. if i let myself fully fall for him then we break up it will kill me.. i'm so afraid to give my all to him.. i know that i already have givin my all to him, and i don't regret it.. but i worry that someday i will.. nothing good lasts forever. i've been taught that lesson far too much lately.. i need to realize that he's not going to break my heart some day.. he always says that he never will but i still have that feeling that one day i'll lose him and when i do, it will be forever.. i don't know, it's hard to explain.. some of you might understand what i'm talking about.. i could just never bear losing him. i could never see myself living without him in my life. * so today i went over kristen's house with eric, alan, bill, and mark. it was fun.. i love my beautiful kristen<3. we had some intresting conversations on the bus ride home lol.. now the whole dana bus knows some stuff about me and kristen that is kind of odd.. the whole bus ride we talked about kristen's mom and some good times we had with her.. why her mom hates me.. (do you have any more twizzlers??).. and we also talked about an amazing drunken night. haha. she's fucking amazing. and she'll always be my girlfriend. lol. i love you kristen<3 * jen blight, how much do i love thee? let me count thy ways.. lol. well first there's dancee dancee of course.. then there's her wonderful spencer impressions.. then there's her lightbulbs where the 4th one has been flickering very much lately.. you know it's true jen. haha. i miss you like whoa jen blight.. and you know that *he* does remember that drunken conversation. hahahaha. with most people who i stay over there house/they stay over my house it's like we'll talk, then go online, then talk, then eat, then watch tv, then talk, then fall asleep.. but with you the talking never stops.. we even talk while we're eating and sleeping lol. even when we're with large groups of people, we'll leave them to talk. the conversation actually never stops between us jen.. it's great. i guess that's why it's so easy for me to read your mind like i do lol. we should have never disliked eachother.. we were destined to be friends.. and now finally, after we're both not friends with the people who made us hate eachother, we're together. and i fucking love it! lol. * kayla, my dear, i miss you. i hope you're doing better. i've said it so many fucking times but i don't know if you really do get me.. you are the strongest person that i have ever known. you've been through so much, especially lately, and you're still holding up. i'm very very proud of you and i love you to death. i don't know where you get your inner strength from, but it just proves that you're going places in life. i just hope that you don't forget about me. you're another person who i could never, ever see us not being friends.. even after we're all grown up we're still going to hang out and have amazing south kingston times.. cause after i graduate i'm definatly moving back to my hometown of south kingston.. and when i'm not visiting you at your wonderful beach house in florida, you're going to be visiting me in south kingston.. and we're going to hang out in the church parking lot, chill at reese's, and of course we have to steal from orloski's lol. i know that you're going to grow up, and marry jimmy, and try to forget about the bad shit that happened in this god forsaken valley.. but i hope that you always remember me.. cause i will never forget about you, kayla. it doesn't matter what happens, you know i'm always here for you. i will never judge you. and i will never stop loving you. you were my first true best friend and we've had so many fucking amazing times.. people always say 'friends forever' and it doesn't work out.. but we've been such good friends for 10, going on 11 years now.. i hope we have a friends forever relationship that never dies. i hope we still know eachother and are still completely insane and always chain-smoking menthol cigarettes together when we're like 90 years old. lol. i love you kayla baby. * caitlyn, i doubt you read this, but if you do.. let's be cool.. no more talking behind backs about me and i'll stop bitching to munch about the decisions you have made that i don't agree with.. i'm sure he's told you about what me and him discuss in study hall and in the hall before 8th period at his locker.. so i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. i'm fine with you wanting to be only friends with holli and not talk to me anymore.. i've accepted that our friendship didn't mean as much to you as it meant to me.. but just so you know, it really did mean alot to me.. and if you want to walk away from all of the amazing years and the amazing memories we've shared.. then please don't do it like this.. please don't let me hear that you're saying shit about me.. please don't give me dirty looks in the hall.. please don't stand up and walk away from the lunch table with holli when i walk in there and sit a table away from you with kristen.. if you want to erase me from your memory, then simply forget about me. just forget about everything. forget about all of our memories, burn my pictures, and pretend as if we have never met.. you're over the fact that we're no longer friends, but i'm not yet. i've accepted it.. but i'm not over it yet.. and it's going to take a while.. so please do me a favor and don't make it hard for me to forget about you.. it may have been really easy for you to give it all up, but it's not for me.. not at all. if you ever were my true friend you should know what this is doing to me. you should know that me hearing shit that you say about me makes me cry.. you should know that when i hear you're having problems it kills me because i can't hug you and talk to you and get the slight satisfaction of knowing that i helped you vent, knowing that i helped you not hold everything in, knowing that you would come to me when you needed help.. i helped you work though some things.. i helped you get your mind off of the shit that you have to deal with.. when i heard about you having a panic attack in school and seeing you, obviously really upset, and me not being able to help you fucking killed me caitlyn.. i can't deal with still loving you as a friend and you just not giving even the littlest fuck about me.. that's why i ask that you just stop with the bullshit and completely forget about me.. so that i can attempt to do the same with you.. i don't want to.. but i can't sit in school every fucking day and think about what the fuck happened to us.. i can't sit there and blame myself for the shit that happened between us.. i can't deal with me not being able to know whether or not you're okay. whether or not you're happy. whether you need help or not. whether you're even thinking about me in the back of your mind just a little bit, and then realizing that you don't even care anymore. it kills me that i can't walk up to you and talk to you whenever i need to.. sure, i can talk to jeff and kristen and jen about stuff.. but i don't have that feeling.. that feeling where it doesn't matter what it is i'm about to say, i know that you'll understand it when i tell you. i know that you may laugh at me, make fun of me, or cry with me.. but i know that after that you help me with things. big things and little things. you've always been there for everything. we had something that i've never seen with anybody else. we just click. like it was meant for us to be together to help eachother through shit and to just act like complete and total fools together and beat eachother up on wyoming avenue cause we saw a wooden car.. i can't fucking do it anymore. i can't keep on thinking about this shit.. so let's just both stop the mellow-dramatic teenage bullshit as result of the valley waste high school and just stop everything.. that would be a hell of a lot easier then this situation we have right now.. you probably don't give a fuck and you're sitting there laughing at me.. you may not even notice that anything i'm saying is fucked up.. you may not miss climing out condo windows and drawing faces on desks.. but i do.. i remember everything.. and it's eating me alive inside knowing that shit is fucked up with us.. i know you don't care that i'm writing any of this.. but i had to get some shit out.. i can't hold this in anymore.. and it's not the same where when shit used to be fucked up i would just call you or meet you on the tracks and we'd talk for hours and listen to pop-punk music.. i can't do that anymore.. so this is my way of closure i suppose.. this is my way of getting out some of my feelings.. this is all just me talking, me getting this out. i don't need a response from you. i'm not sure if i want a response. for the sake of the friendship that we once shared, i want you to do me one last favor. think back to about 6th or 7th grade.. i used to have this gay song in my profile about you.. it was a horrible song but the words definatly went with the friendship that we once had.. this is the whole song.. i only had parts in my profile so i hope you at least remember some parts.. but i used to always write this whole song in notebooks and shit about you in the middle school days.. i've always hated the song itself, but when i was going through my old saved profiles and i read this i actually balled my eyes out.. i can't believe that this was us not that long ago and now my whole world has become a fucked up movie.. i never thought that we would end like this caitlyn.. we used to talk about moving in together after high school and going to colleges that weren't far away from eachother.. i was going to go for fashion design and you were going to go for the same thing but minor in buisness.. we were going to open our own store and become billionaires.. we were going to have an east wing and a west wing in our mansion.. we would live on different sides.. when we used to talk about it you wanted to live in the east wing with david boreanaz and i was going to live in the west wing with someone else.. i forget who it was.. but we were going to have a huge dining room table and we were going to sit at opposite sides of it and scream across the table to talk.. i always knew it wouldn't happen.. but it was one of those things that i thought we would always joke about once and a while.. something that we would always dream about it actually happening and how amazing that would be.. i just went extremely off subject there.. but i was just thinking about that.. but this is the last favor i want from you.. i want you to just read this and try to remember when this was how we were.. · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · as i walk into my bedroom i see pictures on my wall of the last year of memories the country fair, a movie there sometime we don't remember where they won't let me forget the time we shared. you know i'm always thinking of you no matter what the time of day or place cause you were my friend when there were no others. and all of my love for you can never be erased, no. no, i never had a friend like you and i hope we stay together and somehow we're gonna make it through you'll be my friend forever no matter how far away you'll always have a special place cause i never had a friend like you no, i never had a friend like you it feels good to know you're only a call away i reminisce about the times when we would play at the bus stop, or at the park.. everybody has that special someone can't believe that someone was you for every storm that has approached us you never left my side and always kept it true i never had a friend like you.. a friend like you to guide me through my problems a friend like you to have kept it true when life gets cold a friend like you, listens when there's nothing left to say imagining those things i used to say as we played. a friend like you who i would cherish all my life. a friend like you, the one that made me care everytime i look into your eyes, afraid to say a friend like you to me you'll always be right there.. · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · you probably don't remember.. but if you do, just remember when those words used to mean something, remember what we used to have. this teenage sitcom bullshit between us is fucking killing me.. let's just stop with it. let's just stop so that i can try to get over the fact that you no longer need/want me as a best friend, or even a friend at all. i need to get over the fact that you stopped hanging out with me to be with holli every day. i need to get over the fact that when i realized what was happening to us, i flipped out over it. to mucher, to kristen, to jeff, to jen. i flipped out and it got back to you. it got back to you and all that you did over the fact that we were officially no longer friends, was write in your journal "erin's pissed at me. oh well" and then go on to talk about how much fun you've been having with holli. i need to stop thinking about this. i needed to get this shit out of my system and off of my mind. i need to say goodbye. i never got to say goodbye to you. it's like you went on vacation and i look at your pictures on my wall and i miss you so much, but there's no way of seeing you or talking to you or having any contact with you. it's as if you went on vacation and you're never coming back. i know i can't forget about you, but i'm going to attempt it. i guess our 6 years of friendship meant more to me then it meant to you. that's how you forgot about me so easily and i just can't forget about everything that we had together. i can't get it out of my mind. so now it's time to say goodbye.. you've moved on so i've got no choice but to attempt to do the same. god i fucking hate change. i hate that nothing can just stay good forever. i hate that i tried to be the best friend that i could ever be for you, but you are willing to just throw it all away. i hate that i haven't stopped crying since i first typed your name in this entry. but most of all, i hate the next thing that i'm about to write. i hate the fact that i even need to write it. i never wanted to say this, and it is honestly the hardest thing that i have ever had to do.. goodbye, caitlyn. * one more thing.. i want you to read this. i want you to look at the song that i'm listening to up at the top of this entry.. you know who it used to be about.. but read these lyrics.. it's no longer about him.. when i listen to it now, after all you and i have been through, i don't even think of him when i hear it or write out the lyrics when i'm bored in school.. it only reminds me of you and all the shit that went wrong between us. it reminds me of how i so desperately want to go back in time and prevent all of this from happening. it reminds me of how much i miss you. it reminds me that things will never be the same again. it reminds me that even though i think about you when i hear this song, it doesn't matter to you. it reminds me that it doesn't matter what i do anymore, it's over. it used to be a song about him that would make me think of the happy times. it is now a song about you that makes me think about the bad times. the bad times near the end of our friendship. the bad times that i will never be able to fix. the times that you'll never have me back for. the times that i would do anything to erase them from both of our memories. this is no longer his song. it's yours. · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · a picture's worth a thousand words but not worth the words i need to hear i miss you so much that it hurts and tonight, i wish you were here with me so i could make you see the stars, they lay across the sky so perfectly they remind me of all the times when we used to sit underneath them, those summer nights, and fall in love. its not alright, it's our last night together i won't give up, i can't let go of you. i can't let go of you. and tonight, i close my eyes and dream that she is still the one, laying there beside me i'd walk a thousand miles i'd swim across the sea what do i have to do, please just tell me · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · it was about him.. it was about that last night.. you know exactly what i'm talking about.. but now when i listen to it, it's not the pictures of him on my wall that are worth a thousand words.. it's the pictures of you. it's my photo album filled with your pictures. it's the memory box filled with notes from you that i started in 6th grade and i still have every single one that you ever wrote me. the summer nights under the stars used to be about that last summer there.. now it's about sitting on your deck talking for like 6 hours straight about everything in the middle of the night. it's about ocean city. it's about walking around aimlessly at all hours of the night. it's about pool hopping. it's about running around under the stars with no shoes or coats on when it turned midnight on new years many years ago, in search of davey lewis because you wanted a new years kiss from him that year. it's about the times that no matter how hard i try, i can't forget. when i would fall asleep listening to this song the part that says 'i close my eyes and dream that she is still the one, laying there beside me,' i no longer have my eyes closed, laying in my bed, thinking about him. i now lay in my bed, with my eyes closed, and cry. because i'll start to think about waking up with you falling off of your bed, clenching onto my legs trying to hold on. but you were still completely asleep. i think about waking up and we're both covered in that white thing that used to be above your bed because i used to fuck with it and pull it down just cause you would get so pissed. i think of before we would fall asleep we would stuff our faces with pizza and breadsticks, drink tons of soda, then have manly belching contests. i think of all of these things constantly. i can't take this anymore. i can't listen to music anymore without somehow tying it to this fucked up situation. i can't stop crying. i can't stop thinking about what i have lost. i can't stop thinking about how i could have been better to you. i can't say goodbye and actually mean it. i can barely say goodbye and pretend to mean it. i can't do this anymore. i'm just going to say goodbye to you once more, and just constantly think about how i can't keep on missing you because you no longer want me as a part of your life. i need to realize that i don't deserve you. that you deserve better and i need to let you have that. i need to realize that right now, as i'm spilling everything to you, that you're sitting there, at your computer, laughing at my pathetic attempt to not need you anymore. i need to let you go. i need to say goodbye. i wish this wasn't reality. sadly, it is. and i can't change it. so once again, i have to say it, and try to accept it. goodbye caitlyn. * yes.. so, i just wrote my feelings. for once, i told people how i feel. mostly caitlyn.. everybody other then her most likely stopped reading when they realized how long the part about her was.. yes, i wrote alot about her. i got some of my supressed feelings out that i've been burying inside of me acting as if it didn't bother me since this shit started. yes, i finally let caitlyn know that it was an act of me pretending not to care. i let her know that instead of dealing with shit, i pretend it's not going on. i told her how i felt in this entry. and guess what? it didn't fucking help. i know that there will be comments from people saying shit. i know that holli franklin will comment and find something to bitch about. most likely the last sentence that i just wrote. i know that there will be anonymous ones. but i also know that i am done with this journal. so you can have fun. you better enjoy it. this is the last journal entry that you will be able to comment shit about me in. so have a ball. yes, i should have gotten hurt in the accident. it making me uglier really wasn't bad enough. yes, i don't deserve anything good that ever happened to me. yes, i love jeff tyler. i wrote it up there. so you can have some fun commenting about that one. yes, i am a scumbag slutty bitch. and i fucking love it. so please comment. it's my last entry, so i really hope that everyone goes all out for it. and i really hope you think i care. give me your worst. i'm begging you. there's nothing at all.. not a single fucking thing that you can say to me that is going to make me feel worse then i already do.. you may not believe me on that, but go ahead and test me. comment away. my life is always hell. constant and complete hell. if you think you can make me feel even shittier from your comments then try. i wrote how i feel and i'm glad that i finally did. i never tell people how i actually feel. but now that i did i hope you have some fun.. the little button is right down there.. it says 'thoughts.' that's the word you need to click on to make fun of me.
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