Fire_Tearz (cheeky_chippy) wrote, @ 2004-10-03 17:22:00

Current mood:	drained
Current music:	Cold - Suffocate

vegemiteeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!
well ok, I had no idea what mood to put in, I've been up n down so much within the last couple of days.
I've gone from hyper...2 flat out depressed....2 cheerful...2 guilty...2 indifferent and then them all over again!!!!!!!!!! ACH!!! Right now though I'm happy =) I think...lolz
Everyone online knows I have a bf now. Well, the ones that count. Cept maybe Greg...but he doesn't have to know if he doesn't wanna hehehe
Oh, big news on the Jessie front. He's really really ....not mad...but not happy. Also not talking to me for the rest of my life. Isn't it great? *sighs softly* But, really, I could have fought harder and tried to keep him in my life, but...I didn't...cause ... well. I don't know why I didn't...but hey... I didn't. And therefore he's never going to open my msn windows again. I think I'm going to actually go into the details of why he's decided all this. I mean what the heck =P
Hmmmm, Important dates to remember....

September 28th: James and I got together =) He asked me 2 b his gf after I kissed him lolz
October 1st Lost my viginity to James.
October 2nd Jessie out of my life.

Yup, that middle one was the biiiiiiiiiig argument starter with Jessie and consequently caused the last one. As my SB pointed out (and Timelord later agreed with...mr Timelord that actually read the whollleee conversation) Jessie only lost it when I mentioned I no longer had a cheery to give to him. That's sort of made me feel better believe it or not. I'm not losing it that Jessie's out of my life, which I thought wouldn't be the case. At the time of our argument, I was in pain, feeling like shit as Mr Jessie dragged me over the guilt coals, backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards. But afterwards while I was having quiet words with SB he pointed out his little observation and I actually started to feel better. I can still listen to songs Jessie's given me, I can talk about him without it hurting, and I'm happy as I said before. He may think that me wanting to have him a good life and for him to achieve what he wants to is me sprouting bs and trying to guilt trip him. lol He's sorta sensative I guess, I was being genuine. But I guess he can't really tell the difference between bs and genuinity anymore. That'z just harsh =( But hey, he's not my friend n e more, and he no longer talks to me. And I'm not collapsing into a mashed up peice of used toilet paper. I'm sorta proud =) Even prouder that I'm happy.

Letz c if it workz here... (if it doesn't some1'z gonna die lolz), if it workz here, YAY...you will get to scroll through the convo I had with Jessie if u wished o.O






Jessie |$_$|: fun

Jessie |$_$|: so how far did u let this lil boy go?

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: u're not gonna let this one go, r u?

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: lol

Jessie |$_$|: nope

Jessie |$_$|: i wanna know :P

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: farez enough :P

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i'm no longer a cherry-holder if that answerz
u're question

Jessie |$_$|: :-O u let him pop ur cherry?

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: actually, i think my cherry got rid of
itself

Jessie |$_$|: i cant believe u did it on the first date

Jessie |$_$|: damn girl u's a ho =/

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: if ya say so

Jessie |$_$|: i do

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya, we established that

Jessie |$_$|: =/

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: lucky i'm a stay with him, that makes me feel
a lil better

Jessie |$_$|: i dunno

Jessie |$_$|: giving it up on the first date

Jessie |$_$|: thats kinda sad =/

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: tiz really

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: but therez more to it then that

Jessie |$_$|: i thought u were a little more of a non ho
then that =/

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: :P

Jessie |$_$|: its not even funny tho

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: do i look like i'm laughing?

Jessie |$_$|: :P = funny

Jessie |$_$|: thats really fucked

Jessie |$_$|: i wouldnt even have took ur cherry on the
first datd

Jessie |$_$|: date*

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: hmmm, whatever I say next is just going to
make it worse

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: technically it wasn't the 1st date. But I
haven't been with him long. I broke the treaty before I
told you I did

Jessie |$_$|: damn girl u IS a ho

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: nope, i just didn't really have the
oportunity to tell you before

Jessie |$_$|: good thing i found out now tho

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: yup, guess so

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: :)

Jessie |$_$|: buying u a ticket to come over for xmas
woulda been a big waste of money =/

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: yup, i'm guessing it would have been since i
gotz a bf an all

Jessie |$_$|: yep that it woulda

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: nice name change

Jessie |g0t : ;)

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: now ya mad?

Jessie |g0t : nope

Jessie |g0t : if i was mad u wouldnt be able to turn on ur
computer anymore

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: thanks for the warning :S

Jessie |g0t : no problem

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: :)

Jessie |g0t : if u want i can pretend like i am mad :D

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: naw, itz ok, it's much better you're not :D

Jessie |g0t : i'm kinda happy i saved $600

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya, i would be too

Jessie |g0t : of course u know that we can no longer be
friends right?

Jessie |g0t : that was strike #3 =/

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ...?

Jessie |g0t : u lied to me =/

Jessie |g0t : a third time

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: when?

Jessie |g0t : i mean damn

Jessie |g0t : u broke the treaty earlier without telling
me

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i told you soon as i could

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: hence no lying

Jessie |g0t : i can check my e-mail

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i wanted instant reply

Jessie |g0t : what if i woulda said something against u
breaking it

Jessie |g0t : what would u have said?

Jessie |g0t : see dumb answer =/

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: nope, not dumb

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: cause if you'd have said something against
it

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i woulda heard u out and not broken.

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: you haven't xactly been showin that much
interest in my lately, throwing mz michelle's name around
everywhere, I was actually starting to think you were
hinting at me to go away

Jessie |g0t : but u already broke it

Jessie |g0t : nope kinda testing u

Jessie |g0t : to see if u were jealous

Jessie |g0t : see if the water was still hot

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: course i was bloody jealous

Jessie |g0t : i never did anything with her

Jessie |g0t : ask gary

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: gary would just love the fact i was asking

Jessie |g0t : i left when the fucking started :-O

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: and draw it out

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: and i believe you that u did nothing

Jessie |g0t : but hey u made a decision

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya, i did

Jessie |g0t : no talk is gonna change that decision

Jessie |g0t : nor make it right

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i decided to live my life off of the
computer

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: right or wrong

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i chose it

Jessie |g0t : u trying to say i live off my computer?

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: no

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i'm saying i was

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: u've got a life offline

Jessie |g0t : u gotta to make money

Jessie |g0t : cant make money online

Jessie |g0t : its cheesy money

Jessie |g0t : to be rich u gotta work ur ass off till u
cant work no more, then work another 10 hrs

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya, but i don't care if u're freakin rich,
u've become obsessed with money, it'z u're whole freakin
life now

Jessie |g0t : u cant do anything in life without money

Jessie |g0t : the quicker i make it

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: u can do a lot

Jessie |g0t : the quicker i can sit back and enjoy life

Jessie |g0t : i'd rather get life taken care of off the bat
and then not work till i am 80

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: really? you're going to be able to switch off
and just sit back and enjoy? forget about making the
money?

Jessie |g0t : yeah thats the idea of starting a company

Jessie |g0t : u hire ppl to run it

Jessie |g0t : and u just sit back and make money

Jessie |g0t : that way when i am like 25 my kids should be


old enuff to need a father, and i can spend as much time as
a i want with them

Jessie |g0t : thats my main goal right now

Jessie |g0t : to have a happy family that can see me around
almost everyday

Jessie |g0t : but i had to sacrifice my childhood

Jessie |g0t : so if u think i am a self-centered person who
only cares about money then so be it

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i don't think u're self-centered at all

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i just think you're crazy about money. what
ure saying makes sense. And u're gonna make the best father
and husband out there. But not with me cause i've already
got bad marks against me with u, and neither of us will let
that go, no matter how many chances u give me

Jessie |g0t : u think waaayyy too young girl =/

Jessie |g0t : everyone had bad marks

Jessie |g0t : thats how life is

Jessie |g0t : u never forget or forgive

Jessie |g0t : i bet u remember ppl who pissed u off when u
were like 7

Jessie |g0t : u learn to accept the good in ppl no matter
what they have done

Jessie |g0t : u can argue this all u want, u just cant
justify what u did in my eyes lol

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i'm not trying to justify it

* Jessie |g0t Degree in H-O?| is now Busy

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: it was the biggest decision in my little life
i had to make and stick to...i'm not saying itz right or
wrong, but i'm not a ho.

* Jessie |g0t Degree in H-O?| is now Online

Jessie |g0t : see now i can argue that too

Jessie |g0t : a) if u cared about me as much as u say u
did, u would have included me in this decision
b) u didnt, u made a selfish choice for someone who says
this is the "biggest decision in my life"

Jessie |g0t : see there is no way u can justify it

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: mk

Jessie |g0t : but then again i dont expect u to think the
way i do

Jessie |g0t : u never lead the life i did, u never had the
experiences i did, therefore u think in a sheltered way

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: yup, i do

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya, twas sorta selfish lol hope ya find a
nice smart girly

Jessie |g0t : unfortunately there isnt any "smart girls"
just ones that are tolerable

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: nasty

Jessie |g0t : but i made the mistake of "forgetting" about
what u did b4 and trusted u

Jessie |g0t : so therefore its my fault

Jessie |g0t : if u would have approached this situation
differently then we would still be friends

Jessie |g0t : thats the only thing i can say about this
event

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: what would have done if i'd just asked to
break the treaty?

Jessie |g0t : i dunno, if u would have asked that b4 u
would have ur answer

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: fares enough

Jessie |g0t : i think so

Jessie |g0t : so any closing statements left?

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: not really. I did the wrong thing by you
again, and I can't even put my feelings into words. I just
hope you have the life you've got planned out

Jessie |g0t : "I just hope you have the life you've got
planned out" statements like that are just bs to try to
make ppl feel guilty, i prefer u not to use them or i'll
try to give u a guilt trip

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: sorry, wasn't meant to try and make you feel
guilty

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: it was just a simple statement

Jessie |g0t : i dont believe that but ok

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: you don't have to

Jessie |g0t : so now do u have a nicer closing statement

Jessie |g0t : i'm not mad at u, but i will say that once
this window gets closed i will never open it again

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: never is a very very strong word

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i thought it was my trick to type n stop

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: heh

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: thank you for being in my life is all I
really have left to say

Jessie |g0t : my arms are very sore

Jessie |g0t : it hurts to type

Jessie |g0t : i dont think u wanna see what i wrote either

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: probably not

Jessie |g0t : yeah u prolly dont lol

Jessie |g0t : so i will spare you on that

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: thanku

Jessie |g0t : i put it in a text file

Jessie |g0t : therefore u can read it or throw it away, but
i will give u the choice

You have successfully received C:\Documents and
Settings\Private\My Documents\My Received Files\Do Not
Read.txt from Jessie |g0t Degree in H-O?|.

Jessie |g0t : but i did give it

Jessie |g0t : Listen or Download NOW!_:..::...:_3 Doors
Down - Away From The Sun

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: thank you for your closing statement

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: and i know u did

Jessie |g0t : bah u read it

Jessie |g0t : bad woman

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: itz from u, i couldn't really just leave it
there

Jessie |g0t : damn i thought u would throw it away like a
normal person

Jessie |g0t : bad girl

Jessie |g0t : now hopefully that will eat away at u

Jessie |g0t : and prove my theory that u sold me out to get
laid

Jessie |g0t : =/

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: if i did that i woulda fucked the first guy
that offered

Jessie |g0t : i had josie, i could have even went to live
with her and be happy ever after

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya, i know u did, Benny informed me of that

Jessie |g0t : he did?:

Jessie |g0t : when?

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ages ago

Jessie |g0t : but i wanted josie sooooooooooooooooooooo~
bad

Jessie |g0t : and i just let her go

Jessie |g0t : and brushed it off like i didnt like her

Jessie |g0t : that killed me inside for a long ass time

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: c? now you're giving me the ammo to b eaten
out from the inside

Jessie |g0t : and u sold me out b4 xmas

Jessie |g0t : thats shot out =/

Jessie |g0t : yep i know

Jessie |g0t : u read the txt file tho

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: u really expected me to delete it?

Jessie |g0t : yep

Jessie |g0t : i would have

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: hmmm, farez enough

Jessie |g0t : i just gotta let u see the escalation of the
decision of the treaty on my part

Jessie |g0t : i took that like a serious contract

Jessie |g0t : see i bet u dont even know what to say

Jessie |g0t : i bet all u wanna do is get this conversation
over and then not have to worry about it anymore, and tell
urself that u now have a bf and this wont bother u at all

Jessie |g0t : right?

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: no

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: all i wanna do is not possible, so i just sit
here

Jessie |g0t : bah u fibber

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: nope, not fibbing

Jessie |g0t : and what might u wanna do? (saw that coming)

Jessie |g0t : Listen or Download NOW!_:..::...:_D12 - My
Band

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: course u saw that coming

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: never have gotten the internet <--- sumz it
up really

Jessie |g0t : lol that was lame =/

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: coulda been a lot lamer :)

Jessie |g0t : not really

Jessie |g0t : the internet is no different from life

Jessie |g0t : its like talking on the phone

Jessie |g0t : because of the internet u can do things that
u have never imagined that u could possibly do

Jessie |g0t : so dont u blame this on the internet =/

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i said nothing about blaming this on the
internet

Jessie |g0t : u kinda did

Jessie |g0t : and damn it took u that long to say that?

Jessie |g0t : i figured u type quicker then this

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i do usually

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: but every word i say is probably gonna b used
against me

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: and itz not gonna help me lol

Jessie |g0t : i shoulda let u be Ben's problem, instead of
forgiving u =/

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: damn i just can't finish a sentance here

Jessie |g0t : me either

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: nice lil hit with that comment

Jessie |g0t : ty i do try my best

Jessie |g0t : but now u have 2 enters left

Jessie |g0t : make them good

Jessie |g0t : make them good

Jessie |g0t : if u can convince me to be ur friend within
those next 2 enters congrats

Jessie |g0t : otherwise =/

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: nothing I can say will justify what I've
done, and I knew this was coming. In fact, I thougt it
would happen yesterday. But I seriously hoped it
wouldn't...N e thing I say will probably look like a cheap
attempt and making u feel guilty, but there'z nothing for u
to b guilty over which ya know :) So, I'm not gonna go out
begging for u're forgiveness, I don't deserve it, But
seriously, I did care. I just gave up on n e thing that
could have been. I would say I'm sorry, but those wordz r
reallllly hollow. Go for tha money boyo, n achieve u're
godlikeness

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: goodbye

Jessie |g0t : damn girl whoa there on the typing

Jessie |g0t : "Go for tha money boyo, n achieve u're
godlikeness" g0t guilt trip

Jessie |g0t : u didnt have to use the 2nd enter for
goodbye

Jessie |g0t : there was 1 line that u could have said that
would have gotten me to forgive u

Jessie |g0t : and it wouldnt have been a statement

Jessie |g0t : it would have been a question

Jessie |g0t : u had 2 tries to get it

Jessie |g0t : but u said the same stuff over =/

Jessie |g0t : come on now i thought u were better then
that

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: if i knew what to say, i would have

Jessie |g0t : nope

Jessie |g0t : because it would be considering a sacrifice

Jessie |g0t : the only thing u could have said to make me
think twice about callin u a ho is......

Jessie |g0t : to ask "what if i broke up with him?"

Jessie |g0t : asking that would have gotten u off the hook
like nothing

Jessie |g0t : Listen or Download NOW!_:..::...:_Scorpions -
Rock You Like a Hurricane

Jessie |g0t : florida's new theme song

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: that crossed my mind, but I didn't think
you'd believe me

Jessie |g0t : lair

Jessie |g0t : and u would never have broken up with this
guy for me

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: really?

Jessie |g0t : come on now i aint that stupid

Jessie |g0t : but if u did say that my tone would have
changed dramatically

Jessie |g0t : guaranteed

Jessie |g0t : Listen or Download NOW!_:..::...:_Gin
Blossoms - Follow You Down

Jessie |g0t : god i havent heard this song in forever

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: neva heard it b4, good?

Jessie |g0t : kinda poppy

Jessie |g0t : quit changing the subject woman

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: u're tha one that be throwin the songz in

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: heh

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: but hey

Jessie |g0t : sorry

Jessie |g0t : i like music

Jessie |g0t : and timmy just replied

Jessie |g0t : i let him see what michelle looks like

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: awww, special

Jessie |g0t : Listen or Download NOW!_:..::...:_The Flys -
Got You Where I Want You

Jessie |g0t : god this song was soooo awesome back in the
day

Jessie |g0t : i love this osng

Jessie |g0t : song*

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: neva heard that one either

Jessie |g0t : oh and i slit my pointer open so i type with
out it so its a little harder

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: how'd u do that?

Jessie |g0t : i bite my fingers when i am anxious, and i
got really anxious and bit my finger open

Jessie |g0t : but quit trying to be friendly i dislike u
woman

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i know u dislike me, and it'z me being too
friendly that got me into this

Jessie |g0t : well do something about it soon

Jessie |g0t : cuz i got an itching to go play a video game

~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: have fun

Jessie |g0t : yep didnt think u wanted to do something
about it

Jessie |g0t : k i must close the window now, and
unfortunately it cant be opened again, so love, p33c3, and
some ch1k3n gr33s3





O...and Benny's not happy either. Though he doesn't know n e thing more then me and James are together. 3 years he's waited apparently. 3 years for it to end like this. Yup....insert Benny going on one of his famous long walks here. -.- I don't really know how to feel about this. Sort of annoyed that he can't just move on...or sad and hurt that I hurt him. I guess I'm a big mixture on all this lol. But hey, it's better for him. Tough love as SB put it. It should end up helping him. I really hope it does...and I'm not really annoyed....just...*sighz* O I donno.

ch00ky is basically the best about it. He's happy for me. Likes the sound of James and still talks to me like I'm a human being. Ok, so he doesn't know as far as Jessie knows. But I don't think he'd want to know. It's my personal life, therefore I can keep it just that...personal. I'm just lucky that no1 but hephy readz this, and hephy hasn't really been on lately. So hey, my own babbling page :)

James is really sick :( I gave him my cold! Ach!!! poor boyo...but hopefully he'll be well enough for school tomorrow. I don really know how we're meant to act around each other...but that's not the point. Ah well, should be all good :) .... hopefully. Wouldn't it just so suck if after all I've been through with the clan of guyz online, James broke up with me? LoL...I'd die. I swear lolz Ah well.

Rachy and I were talking about Kev today....realllly scary. He's ignoring us both...but last time I actually got a response from him it was all good...I mean huh? Did I miss something? lolz

Ahhhh, song today'z being hard....but I think I'll go for Cold - Suffocate....the name "Jessie" comes to mind....but that'z probably only because he gave me this song...and some of the words ring very true....so yes Jessie...this is for you. Thank ya for being in my life.



Cold - Suffocate


I could take every fucking word she says
Throw it in her face
but would she even care
I still remember when she looked at me
that frown upon her face
Trying to be sincere
I gathered all those little things she said
Kept them close to me
Trying to make this real
This cloud will alway hover over me
I'm leaving you today
'cause now I see

[Chorus]
Suffocate, you suffocate
That you lie (I don't lie)
That your fake (I'm not Fake)
Suffocate, you suffocate
You always take (I don't take)
What you can (what I can)

I could take every fucking game you play
Blow it all away
but would you even care
I could take all those lies you said to me
Never go away
Never dissapear
This cloud will always hover over me
I'm leaving you today
'Cause now I see

[Chorus x2]

Now I'm far away from you (You're always far away)
I'll never bring back yesterday (bring back yesterday)
You're such a fake it's true
I can't believe the words you say
I'm far away from you
I'll never bring back yesterday

[Chorus]

I always take
What I can

[the above part is dubbed over the chorus]