|Current mood:|| lonely|
|Current music:||Limp bizkit - Hold On (twas hard picking one this time >_<)|
Welcome to my world BITCH (not u Hephy...tis quoted from Freddy Krueger ^_^)Cold - Stupid Girl
doo doo STUPID GIRL...doo doo STUPID GIRL! Gotta love Cold - Stupid Girl...just beautiful...1st Cold song I think I ever heard heh *sighz* Had a long long outburst yesterday... had fun comment conversation with my Hephy though. Had another fun comment conversation with her on her other one aswell, hehe. Tis kewl knowing u have good friendz...so y, right now, do I feel abandoned and alone? Hephy had to go to bed ages ago...and I can understand that..but ... I donno...every1's just scadaddlingz...I meanz...Benny...>_< *sighz* I do love him. But sometimez he can just not notice how I am at all...I mean...O I don't know what I mean. But he's got his own problemz so I can understand him not noticing mine =) Though hey...he did sorta notice that no...not everything was ok coupla dayz ago (erm...the day I wrote the entry with 'Metallica - Fade to Black' featured...) but he still left me then. I mean...he knew something was up...and...he...left. *hugz herself quietly* Why do I always feel like this? I mean....sometimez the feeling goes away...but...neva completely...ooo Rick Astley - Cry for help...also beautiful song. Sorta reminded my SB of me...heh >_< "She's taken my time, convinced me she's fine...but when she leavez I'm not so sure, it'z always the same, she's playing her game, and when she goes, I'll be to blame...why wont she say she needs me? I know she's not as strong as she seems..." lolz me? strong? HEHEHE...though I think I fool a lotta ppl into thinking I'm strong...though sometimez my stubborness makes up for what I lack in strength! w00...go me...-_- Fucking hell, I don't wanna be a person that just babblez all their problemz...yet I'm hooked on these journalz...I mean...I won't babble all my problemz here obviously just in case some1 findz it that I didn't want to find it...but...well...gah I donno. I just need a place to let me work out what tha hell'z going on in my head...and when i just lock myself up in my head I get scared...lolz who wouldn't if they looked into my mind? Sublime - Wrong way...w00tz w00tz...good song. 1st Sublime song I heard thanx 2 Jessie. I dont think I can even get started on babbling about him in my journalz. Will scare me n whoeva readz it 2 much hehehe. Then again if I babbled about n e 1 I guess it'd scare all involved. O w00tz...Cold - Suffocate! "I could take every fucking word she said, throw it in her face, would she even care?! i still remember when she looked at me, frown upon her face, trying to be sincere!!" Brilliant song =) Thatz something I do when I'm lonely...music...music can never abandon me...if I ever go deaf I think I'd rather die. Blind I guess I could handle long as I had my music...or even mute! If I went mute I'd just live on the net longer hehehe I'm in pain...a lot of it...y? As Jessie so wonderously pointed out, nothing bad has happened to me. I've had no major problemz like him...or n e 1 else >.< yet I'm full of pain...bleeding through my fingerz as I try to hold the woundz together..."you lie...I DON'T LIE...you're a fake...I'M NOT A FAKE!! U always take...I DON'T TAKE...what u can...WHAT I CAN" Bloody hell... good song but...gah...I HAVE NO GODDAMN REASON TO HURT!! ... Saliva - Your Disease... awsome song!! Also one of the 1st I've heard of Saliva...cept maybe CLICK CLICK BOOM ... thatz good aswell. "And I wanna take u down...but u're soul cannot b found...doesn't matter much you see...cause u're disease is killing me... and u know itz only right...cause it feelz like paradise...though nothing is for free...cause u're disease is killing meee" <-- gorgeous gorgeous song. <3 <3 Then again, I love all my music. hmm...I keep deleting whatever I write. One thing was to do with Jazzie...another my father...I don think I can babble n e more aboutz my probz or my pain. I'm sounding like a freaking wuss n e wayz. *Silently feelz her wallz going back up n sighz* gah >_< I should just hush I guess. My problemz rn't really worth voicing... Journey - Faithfully...absolutely gorgeous...whenever I hear this I think of Jessie. Maybe it'z cause he suggested it...maybe itz cause I wasn't very faithful 2 him even though I wanted to be. Not that he'd believe that. He'd probably laugh in my face if he ever read this n start questioning me again "Why do it then? Huh? WHY?! Everyone does something for a reason..." I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing by telling him that I'd cheated, if I coulda kept it a secret and tried extra hard to make it up to him...He gave me a second chance u know...a whole second chance...but I had to prove I love him...prove it...and I couldn't...I didn't know how...I tried...but...I couldn't. N I guess he knew it...the second chance didn't last that long. We just couldn't talk n e more...I mean...we're friendz now (I think...) but then I guess it'z hard to tell with him. And I'm sorta with Benny now...sorta...sad word SorTa methinx...though no, I can't say proudly "I'm Benny'z gf" because he'z not my bf.
...Papa Roach - Last resort...good song... "CUT MY LIFE INTO PEICES...THIS IS MY LAST RESORT...SUFFOCATION...NO BREATHING...DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF I CARRY ON BREATHING!" ..."losing my site...losing my mind...wish somebody would tell me i'm fine..." >_< ouch. I wanna crawl into some1'z armz...have them tell me I'm fine and it not be a lie. I really like honesty...but I'm not very good at it. Not very good at faithfullness either. Or helping ppl... >_< Wonder if there's n e thing I am good at? hehehe Doubt it ^_^ But hey! Ya know...the guy I was most faithful 2 was Mitch...I just couldn't imagine being with n e other guy when I thought of him...no other guy could even get me to even consider being with them. That backfired I guess...Mitch n Tiff eh? hehehe >_< Jessie and I talked about love once. He asked me what I thought love was...n I said something about there being levelz of love...he said about some1 getting ALL the love...and I know what he meant. That'z how it was with me and Mitch, I donno how one sided it was...but I gave him ALL of my love...all of my being...spose thatz y I've never been able to do that again. Hurtz too much...Mitch almost destroyed me >_< Ya know...sometimez when thingz r goin good with a guy...I just wreck it...and...I dont mean 2...but I do...like...with Jessie I was so loved...and I loved him so much...i thought it was actually more then I loved Mitch...then I go cheat on him... I mean...how dumb can u get?! I think that'z one of the thingz I regret most in my life...cheating on Jessie then not being able to show him just how much I loved him when he gave me my second chance.... heh, n e 1 reading this would say I'm still in love with him...but he helped me work something out...the difference between love and IN love...I still love him yes, but he's not the one I'm in love with....or maybe he is, who knowz? And Benny...geezus I don't know whatz happening. I really love him...but I don't think I can help him...I don't think I'm good for him...but I think I'm IN love with him... but with my fucked up emotionz, who can know? >_< Geezus... Metallica - Tuesdays gone...hehe...Maybe one day it'll b 'Crystal'z gone'...cue the Cold n Offspring songz...Gone Away...love them both...>_< Ooo Wendy Matthews - The day you went away...ouch >_< beautiful song...but...I donno...when I'm in one of my pitiful sad moodz I sing this n cry...sad sad sad >_<
grrrrrr...Only just found out about a Metallica special...showing ALL of their clipz...ALL of them o.o and I can't find a tape...*criez* I can't even watch it cause my head'z been on the verge of xplodng all day and if i watch it it'll push my head to xploding point...and if it doesn't kill me...the 'elderz' in the house will :'( Though Kingy'z taping it !! And I bet Jazzie is 2...or she'll die...geezus I hope she's taping... Trapt - Echo... :'( this song is purdiful...always nearly makez me cry! hahaha sad eh? lucky that on that cd mah 3 fav songz r in a row... 'These Walls', 'Still Frame' and of course ' Echo'. All I just love... *Sighz*
Maybe I should become a Hooker...wouldn't have to worry about who the hell fucked me...get payed 4 it....and probably scare off n e boyfriendz so that I wouldn't have to cope with all this emotional fuckage. I mean come on... >_<
Hmmmm.....maybe I should just not get the Net in England....might help me out...also might kill me but hey! heh -_-
KoRn - Shootz n Ladderz...w00tz w00tz! go me! =) Getting hooked on a lotta KoRn recently, guess it'z betta then PoRn haha *shakez head* I really am pathetic today!! lolz
My bro coughed up blood.......can't b good >.<
O....and Benny'z wasting away >_< He hasn't eaten...won't eat...for aboutz 10-11 dayz now...and he sayz I shouldn't blame myself but maybe there's a reason he can't eat... Took me a while to get out of him what that reason could b...and he said 'maybe itz cause u're leaving'....ha HA don't blame myself....geezus >_< Linkin Park - By myself...."i can't hold on when i'm stretched so thin, i make the right movez but i'm lost within...i put on my daily facade again, but i just end up getting hurt again by myself...MYSELF!!!!" >_<
I always end up hurting ppl...I don mean to...but I do...=( Ya know, Benny made me promise once that I won't hurt myself?! *sighz* Makes it sound like I'm gonna do myself real harm...hehehe... OOOOOOOOo Sevendust - Angel's Son <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 gorgeous!! Kingy wanted me to get this song...then Jazzie got it on tape from a friend...and...wow...*worshipz* "life is changing, i can't go on, without u...rearraging, i will b strong...i'll stand by u...u were fighting every day, so hard to hide the pain! I know you'll enver say goodbye...i had so much left to say..." just beautiful.
Ya know, I was lyin in bed tha other day...n I just wondered where I'm gonna end up. Once mah friend Clare made a prediction that I'm gonna be a 5 time divorcee with many many kidz, each with a different dad... sad really... though knowing my luck it'll happen. I donno what the hellz going to happen to me...>_< grrrrrr!!
Limp Bizkit - Hold on...omg...beyond beautiful...This song...is just...and... "U keep ur'e distance, I can't deny u... I've got the feeling...can't satisfy u...i've got u're picture on the wall...I've got the picture long gone...U keep u're wishes, I'll keep my feelingz, there goes another one that kept me breathing...I'm waiting 4 u...I'm never leaving...I'll still adore u...U'll never need me..." omg omg omg beautiful!!! I nearly wrote the ChiCk3n one a Love email 4 reccomending this song!! LoLz Good 'Ol Timmy ^_^ Though grrrr...he gotta c Metallica in concert...and I didn't!!! geezus!!! I missed Metallica *cries so hard she'z actually embarrassed*
Ya know...I think I'm a make an Index at the end of this email to note all the songz I've mentioned...Tis gotta b one or 2 lolz...o.o And now I'm a just gonna have to find one song to give the wordz 2...meeeeeeep!! Ah well, I'll decide that when i've noted them all down! ^_^ ...OOOOOOOOoo Limp Bizkit - Down another day...love this one 2...! "Don't have to bore u with detailz....I'll never let u down, And in the morning the sunrise Will never let u down, If i could hold u tomorrow...I'll never let u down, And when she's golden, the ocean will never let u down!"
Rick Astley - Cry for help
Sublime - Wrong way
Cold - Suffocate!
Saliva - Your Disease
Saliva - CLICK CLICK BOOM
Journey - Faithfully
Papa Roach - Last resort
Metallica - Tuesdays gone
Cold - Gone away
Offspring - Gone away
Wendy Matthews - The day you went away
Trapt - Echo
Trapt - These walls
Trapt - Still Frame
KoRn - Shootz n Ladderz
Linkin Park - By myself
Sevendust - Angel's Son
Limp Bizkit - Hold on
Limp Bizkit - Down another day
Wendy Matthews - Token Angels
Linkin Park - Pushing me Away
^_^ Love my music...only 1 Tallica song though...sad really o_O Righty -O ...Limp Bizkit - Hold On it tiz!! ooo but Wendy Matthewz - Token Angelz just came on...no...right *getz a grip...* mmmph, one day I might actually get a grip hehe...-_- ooo OOO ...Linkin Par - Pushing me Away ... sometimez that'z how I feel with Benny :(:(:( GAH!
Limp Bizkit - Hold On!
You keep your distance, I can't deny you
I've got the feeling, can't satisfy you
I've got your picture on the wall
I've got the picture, long gone
You keep your wishes I'll keep my feelings
There goes another one that kept me breathing
I'm waiting for you I know your leaving
I still adore you, you never need me
I found another way to let you go away
You found another way to bleed my soul away
The things you told me to hear you speak
I'm burning slowly I'm growing weak
You bring me closer to yesterday
Yesterday's a million miles away
Why can't you hear me? Why can't I sleep?
And I don't understand what keeps me breathing
I'm waiting for you I know your leaving
I'll still adore you, you'll never need me
I found another way to let you go away
You found another way to bleed my soul away
Really Love this song <3 Just gorgeous *nodznodz* N hey...I've managed to cheerz up a bit since I started this...which gotta b good since I started at 1:44am and now it'z 3:35am... *sighz*
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