| Current mood: |  drained |
| Current music: | I guess that's why they call it the blues-Elton John |
These last few weeks have been very tasking. In the next few days I am preparing to take my state boards, move into a new apartment, and continue looking for houses. Not to mention start working 2nd shift at the hospital.
Today I lost it. I was sitting in church and all of the sudden felt like I didn't belong there and I felt empty and I started crying. And then when I got home of course my mom made it all about her and I cried and yelled at her some more because she doesn't listen to me.
I felt better after getting out everything that's been bothering me. Which is basically all of the changes that I'm about to go through or am starting to go through right now. I have been so afraid to become this person. This adult person that I am making myself a nervous wreck.
I'm terrified that I will become a basketcase like my mother. And I resent her so much for so much that isn't even right or in her control, well some of it.
I don't even know where I'm going with any of this.
I've felt really empty and alone recently. And all I wanted to do was to feel something.........and it came out today and I felt extreme sadness. So where do I go from here?
I have to move because of my dog. She isn't allowed in this building so I had to send her off to my mom and dad's for a couple of weeks while I wait for an apartment to open up for me. I don't want to move again. It's just such a pain in the ass. And I'm moving back up to the third floor. Grrr.
Work is going kinda ok. I have these nurses that are really cool, but then I have these nurses that aren't giving me any leeway for not doing things perfect because they are perfectionists. Which I am too, and I feel like I"m doing an ok job for what I know and for how long that I've been there, and now with them dogging on me I feel like shit. But I start a new shift this week. Hopefully it will be better.
I've started looking for houses to buy and talking to a mortgage person. The house looking is actually exciting now that I've gotten over the terrified part of the process. And I actually found one that I like. So hopefully I will get approved for the loan and what not.
I'm taking my state boards on thursday morning. It came up out of the blue. I got my authorization number and decided just to take them and get it over with as soon as I could. It just happened to be that it was in the middle of all of this shit. Maybe not the smartest idea. But I'm studying everyday and trying to not freak out about them.
So I guess circumstances in my life are rather stressful right now. And I expect a lot more of myself than I should for right now. I just need to try not to make myself feel more than I have to.
One day at a time. Tomorrow all I have to do is study, make dinner for dad, and maybe pack up a few boxes of stuff for the move. That doesn't sound so scary.
I can do this
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(Anonymous)
2004-09-10 10:36
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You CAN do this.
It's your brother talking.
We all go through some rough times in our lives. I've gone through them, so has Kara. However, God has plenty of strength to give. Remember Phillipians 4:19. "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
I know that this whole church thing hasn't been easy on you (or me, for that matter), but remember that the ultimate goal is to do what God wants you to do. Keep yourself in prayer, and He'll provide the guidance you need.
Your family loves you!(Reply to this) (Thread) |
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