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mountaineer (cayoconcho) wrote,
@ 2004-02-15 02:25:00
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    Current mood: cynical
    Current music:you say it best-alison krause

    Dear Cupid
    well, the day is over. now i can spend some time sharing my thoughts about this hallmark created holiday.
    first off, i'd like to preface this by saying that I have never really enjoyed valentines, and it doesn't always have something to do with the fact that i have nobody to share it with.
    now then. i feel like I am a rather sentimental person. i cry at weddings, i cry at funerals, i cry when certain songs come on the radio........so sue me. I'm a woman, i'm allowed. anyhoo i feel like I am somewhat sentimental. when i buy friends presents i enjoy doing it, and i like to put thought into it. while i'm not always the most creative person, i do try my best. this day has usually been about being alone for me, which isn't much different than any other day, but that's besides the point. today i wasn't.........i got to spend it with 20 people who love me. granted they are all senile and have dementia and don't remember my name, but they love me.
    today i was supposed to go shopping with kortney. well, we did this morning. it turned into running around the mall trying to find the perfect gift for her boyfriend. now, don't get me wrong i enjoy helping my friends, but something romantic or special seems like it should come from you and not have your friend tell you what to buy. well.........my suggestions, although good, fell upon deaf ears and we were running out of time since we both had to work. so finally she decided. a theme present with little gifts. something i've enjoyed doing in the past (jeanne). so essentially, my idea. the theme was 14 gifts that tell you what i love about you. sweet eh? so at work she was asking me and the other girls what she could do and we ended up with this list:
    1.chocolate=sweet
    2.map=adventerous
    3.candle=romantic
    4.cologne=smells good
    5.underwear=well you know
    6.goldfish crackers="you swam away with my heart"
    7.elmers glue="you hold me together"
    8.extension cord=making ends meet
    9.funny book=funny guy
    10.stuffed animal=huggable
    11.milk of magnesia="you keep me on schedule"
    12.always maxi pads="you are always there for me"
    13.slinky=kid at heart
    14.banana=inside joke
    (i dunnno)
    anyway, so about 90% of those gifts were my ideas. again, i don't mind helping out, and yeah it's a little cheesy, but cute. so she gives him the presents. he doesn't get half of it. and he can't turn off his movie long enough to open his valentines card, give kortney hers, and say i love you.
    now granted scott and kortney are certainly not the most romantic couple, and they are certainly not what i see myself becoming when i find somebody, but jeezus........scott had his friend dan over, and they were both drunk, talking about sports illustrated swimsuit edition, and watching some biker movie, and kortney was wrestling with the dog, and i was there.
    granted i shouldn't complain b/c at least i wasn't by myself, but when it's me, i'm going to want the guy to put some thought into my gift, and appreciate it when i put thought into his like kortney did for scott.
    i guess tonight just jaded my view more about valentines, which i didn't think was possible. I don't feel like i'm overly sentimental, but i don't want to be that relaxed either. and yeah i know i'll never be like kortney when i'm in a relationship, and thank god for that, but it just seemed odd to me. i kept telling her i didn't want to help her think of the reasons b/c she's the one that loves him, not me. and i didn't want to intrude on their celebration, but as it turns out they didn't do anything anyway.
    i don't know. it seemed odd to me.
    and the WHOLE day when we were shopping kortney kept saying, "it's just so hard to shop for a guy for valentines day ya know?" I'm like, GET A CLUE, I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    and then, i get home and i check my email and i finally got an email from my jason. we were best friends and talked all the time about 3 years ago. now i haven't talked to him in over a year. but i emailed him to see what was up, and yes i've had a thing for him for awhile b/c he's wonderful. he emails me telling me all about his girlfriend who has him on a tight leesh apparently, and they are making wedding plans.
    ok i get the picture, do you have to tell me everything about her? jeez.
    someone told me once that they thought i'd end up with jason. guess not. and i miss him, which is the sad part b/c now we can't even be friends and talk b/c all he does is work and be with her.
    cupid kicked my ass today. thanks a lot.
    i try not to be depressed that i have nobody. and i was doing pretty well b/c after seeing scott and kortney tonight i was like, "i'd rather have nobody than have that" but then after getting jason's email i feel alone again. like really alone and it hurts.
    and i feel like a bad friend b/c i am so critical of kortney. so they don't have the same kind of relationship that i want someday...........at least they were sweet enough to include me so i wasn't alone. but i guess i'd rather be sometimes.
    and then this song has to come on the radio......."you say it best" this song always makes me cry.
    "I've never felt like a depressed person. I'm emotional sure, but I can usually see the positive. But this year.......I've never felt so alone"
    Sydney Bristow (I know she says something like that to Will)



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