Thoughts kept under wraps
I'm angry, I feel betrayed, uncared for and self-righteous. I have done my best for years trying and trying and trying. I try to help others, to the detriment of myself. I have been so selfless that i think i have now gone and lost myself. I have spend years putting the needs, wants, desires, feelings and whims of those around me before my own and now i'm tired. very very tired. and it always seems that when i try to tell someone how i feel they respond despondently. O well i didn't know, i didn't think, well you made me feel this way, blah blah blah. oh al you're just being dramatic. this must be an ego trip. no i don't feel like talking right now. no i'm sorry i care, but i can't help you. ya i saw you crying but i thought you just wanted to be left alone. I have tried so hard and pushed and pushed doing what i think someone might want or need me to do. I cared too much, and now i'm all cared out. Everyone always tell me i'm a rock, i'm strong, i'm wise, they don't know what they would do without me. well what do i do when i need someone, because no one ever shows up for me, not in the way that i so desperately try to show up for others. I always stop myself when i feel like i deserve more and i think about how the other person may be feeling and then i go with that, i cater to them and their needs, never my own. when i have tried to talk to people about my depression or my breakup i get sighs, and oh shut ups. I try my very best to make sure that everyone is ok. I am constantly asking that question, almost pleading tell me what is tugging at your heart, i'll care, and listen and do what i can. I am always pushed to lead, If i fall well i better pick myself up because no one is going to catch me or break my fall. when i fall I fall alone, and sure people say they care, how do they show it, by making themselves try to feel better.....wait wait say what, you care about me and your downing a bottle of wine so that you can feel better??? what about me?? now I have to deal with that??? THANKS FOR CARING. Well i'm done I think i've fallen for the last time, and yes i will still show up but no i'm done, find someone else to care, someone else to listen, someone else to drive, someone else to pick your drunk ass up, someone else to cry to. because if i'm all i've got i better not waste my resources.
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