gosh reading her journals makes me ill, i feel sick, i don't feel like i use to and i'm not sure why but there is still a panic inside me and this ill feeling i get. i just want to make her stop just stop it. i don't know why, or how to make her stop. i just ugh this is so not what i wanted i want things to be normal again too i just don't know how to get back to that place, i don't know how to get back to the place inside me where its ok. i don't know i just want her to stop. i haven't stopped caring i just don't know what to do anymore. i don't know if its worse to talk to her or not, i don't know how to just let it be or why. this isn't really what i wanted. i don't want her to get over it, i don't think i'm over it, or i dunno i'd be more ok. i'm not really ok i just don't know, i don't know where to go from here, i don't know what to do. i just want her to be ok. ugh she was ok why did i screw it up? because i wasn't ok? i dunno i just ugh i can't keep reading her stuff, i like dread it, i always did. every morning i would wake up and check it and i would be sick and scared of what i'd find. i was always scared to hear that she didn't care anymore, and now i dunno this makes me sick too. i just want her to stop just stop. i want to just be normal again, i want all my old feelings back, i want to get back to where we were but maybe we're too far gone i dunno. i just really don't know what to do anymore and i wish she wasn't going through what she is going through. i mean to me i dunno i don't see the point i don't get it. i did but i guess i just feel like we were "done" along time ago and not much has changed. i think thats the issue she never really saw us as done and i mean i can't even say i see us as done now, but i mean in november it was done for me, that relationship i guess was sort of over. i don't even know. i just don't know how we got here or why or where we are going. its turned into such a damn nightmare and i wish i could make it stop.
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