argh, i feel so guilty like i've screwed everything up, like i just fucked it up. but i t was already fucked or at least i was. i dunno i'm just so messed up, i feel crazy and stupid and just ya like a crazy idiot. when did it get this complicated, it use to be very simple i use to feel my feelings i use to have a better idea of what they were. i've freaked out, i don't know how or why but i've freaked. i've just gone and lost it all. i don't know what i did with it, how did it get fucked up. i'm starting to remember more of how it use to be just easy, and nice, now its screwed up and hard and emotional and ugh just everything. and i'm so back and forth, i don't know what it is, is it in my head? i dunno this just sucks i wish it could be the way it use to. i wish we could make it back to that place, i hope maybe we can someday. i just think theres way too much shit for us to deal with now, we've just kept piling it on, and it sucks. it really sucks. and i don't know how to feel now, i mean can i really ok with done? i mean, done. i dunno, sometimes i think yes, but sometimes i think no. i guess it just depends on where i focus myself, if i don't think about her and it its kind of okay. i just don't know why i'm going to be like in a relationship again, i think its along way before i'm ready for that again with anyone, and i can't even imagine anyone, i wouldn't want to go through this again. i wish i knew how to fix it, i just don't know if there is a better healer than time for now. i really don't and i can't keep pushing and pulling her, i can't. i just ugh i feel horrible, i really was thinking of her the whole time though sort of, i just wouldn't have wanted to see her and been in a shitty mood. i didn't want that, and i know the only way to prevent that for sure is to not see her, or at least not yet. i mean how am i ever going to be sure?? i don't know and i don't want to risk it. i'd rather her just get over it or whatever she has to do to make herself ok with me not in her life. i just want her to be ok sort of. i mean in a way. i don't necesarily want her to be done and completely and totally over it but i do want her to be ok in general i mean really ok. i want to be ok too i just think we need to do that on our own for now. i dunno. i'm just really really sorry. and i'm realllly sorry. i don't want to hurt you anymore.
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