ok so what does make me happy, like i can't even have like hopes for the future b/c it doesn't really excite me but it think thats because i'm assuming i'll stay in this mood which i prob won't it just i really don't know i had stuff to write about but then yeah, its like high school hell all over again i feel like my life rotates in 4 year schedules and um i'm at the top of the rotation again which means um things suck, like fresh yr high school was kind of bleak 2nd year a bit better 3rd year more better and senior year great after a bit of a really bad stint, college 1st year sucked, 2nd year sort of better but really sucked too junior year was pretty darn good, senior year even better, 1st year out of college well its sucking and urgh i don't want to think that the next whole year will too like i want to get off this 4 year rotation its like top of the cycle then back down i want to like stay at the top motherfucker urgh. oh well i just and like no i don't want to think about another relationship b/c that means i will have had to like be done with this one and umm i don't wanna, is that like stupid i mean is it totally unrealistic, sometimes i think so but then sometimes i don't whatever i guess things will all work out for the best i mean i kind of know they will but i don't know how i would not always feel a little heartbroken somewhere about jess and i if we don't work eventually, i mean i don't want to feel that way but in a way i would hate to be able to be completely over it. urghhhhhh again
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