ok so yeah, welcome to the drama again, but actually not so much this time, it gets easier. I cried a little when she left but then i was ok, it was just kind of like back into the void and now its like i know that being with her now wouldn't fix anything. so i don't really know what the problem is, i guess its just ind of like all my dreams and hopes have been shattered and i don't know what to do now. i guess i have to come up with some new ones or something its just like i dunno, i've become disillusioned which sucks or rather it sucks thinking it was an illusion and it wasn't really i guess but my fantasy of it like never ending i guess was false, or at least for the time being, i still don't want to think of us as completely done but i do have to stop thinking of us sort of, i don't want it to be but it is and has to be at least for now. i really kind of hope that it could work in the future but i do kind of have to not hope for that and just see what happens. it sucks it really does b/c i really do think i want to be with her in the future but i can't be miserable if i''m not and i have to know that it is only one of many possibilities. argh argh argh, really like sometimes i think ok ya i can be happy without her but like i don't want her not in my life ugh ok enough. i just need to be ok i need to figure out how to be ok, and i mean i'm fine i'm just like depressed and i sometimes feel like i could have a panic attack and i don't even know why, i mean its not even like i'm really worrying about anything at the time, there is kind of nothing to worry about. sometimes i think about if shes going to tell me we should stop talking one day and i mean i think i'd be ok with that i mean kind of whatever she wants. i just i dunno, i don't really know if it would make me any more unhappy or happy. i just don't really know at this point and nothing seems all that promising or exciting, not a new relationship and def not casual anything but maybe in time that will change, i just don't know if its healthy for us to slowly torture ourselves liket his, or at least me, i mean i'm mostly ok and i don't worry anymore its just like i'm always like depressed. i mean i don't even really want to be with her right now b/c i am not in an ok place with myself, i'm not in a place where i could have a healthy relationship so its good just sucks. like i feel like a leech, its like i need her and am clinging to that for something, and i don't really know what that is. and i do think i want to be with her again but not on "i need you" terms ya know. i want us both to be happy and content with our lives and ourselves and then to get together again if we wish, ugh i need to stop focusing on this though, i didn't even really plan to write about it. basically um this sucks and i need to get myself back to a point where i'm just happy , i was but then i don't know what happened, i wonder if i can be happy alone again, b/c before i was always kind of looking for and wanting a relationship. everything just seems so nothing without that.
I think i focus too much of my satisfaction from my relationships with other people, like that is and has been the only focus of mine really like in high school friends would always be my top priority i'd choose hanging out over school work or work anytime, and i don't really know what that says. i don't really know how to put myself first like to not make other people my center, i don't know how to make myself happy b/c i don't know what makes me happy or fulfills me besides my relationships, i mean nothing does really, i mean sort of but i dunno. argh
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