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Jess (brpunkchicky) wrote,
@ 2003-10-05 17:18:00
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    Current mood: discontent
    Current music:Sum 41

    aaaahhhhhh!
    I wish I knew what is wrong with me. I don't ever want to do anything anymore, I don't care. I have to force myself to get up everyday, get dressed, and eat. I have no inspiration or motivation.
    I seem to have no desire to read the bible, pray, or go to church. I don't really know what direction my life is headed in. I don't know why I'm at Louisiana Baptist College. I came here thinking that I knew what I wanted to do, what I believed in, and who I was. But I guess I was wrong.
    I thought that I was going to be a foreign missionary, but now I feel like a big hypocrite and that is something that I never want to be or come across as. I'm confused right now.
    I thought I knew all the things that I believed in, but now I am skeptical. I don't really know or understand what I believe. I feel very frustrated.
    I've always thought that I new who I was. But this summer I realized that I have absolutely no idea.I put on this mask around everybody. Different masks for different crowds. But which mask is the real me? Does it really even matter, should I just continue doing what I am doing?
    I don't really care though. I don't care what people think or what they say. Do they even matter? I really don't know.

    This weekend wasn't good either. It was "Mom's weekend", where all the girls mothers come up and spend the weekend with me. Well, I don't have a mom and my step-mom hates me, so my aunt came. That was great I had a blast with her. It just sucks to see all these girls and their mothers, with their perfect little lives. It made me very depressed.



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