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Blueheaven's Angel (broken_soul_bl) wrote,
@ 2002-12-22 21:34:00
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    Current mood: melancholy
    Current music:Poem- Taproot

    My Life- An Update...
    I haven't written in here for about a week or so... I figured it was time for an update...
    I am going to vent... I think I need it... maybe it will help...

    Well, I never did get my birthday... Does it matter? I guess not... Maybe I don't matter. I don't fucking matter. Why the fuck do I keep hoping and wishing and praying so much, that one day, I will finally be happy?... why? I know it will never happen... Twenty years of unhappiness so far. Twenty fucking years, And, No matter how hard I've tried to improve my way of thinking... to improve my life... no matter how hard people try to make me feel better... No matter how much people try to help me... nothing,... nothing ever happens... Nothing ever makes things better... well, not permanently anyways...

    Everytime I try so hard to make myself happy by trying something new, taking up a new hobby, or reading a self- help book that I think will really help... sure, it works for a little while... but then, the happiness drops off, I get lazy, and stop doing what I've done which made me happy, and I wind up right back where I started again... My whole life has been nothing but abuse... tangled webs of lies... deceit... unhappiness... guilt... I've always tried too hard, with anyone, and everyone, simply because ... I never felt love.
    Not once. Maybe for a moment... but, those moments never last...
    I always try too hard to keep the friends that I make... not realising that they liked me in the first place... I try to make them like me even more... I make up bogus stories... tell them lies... details of the life of a more interesting person, who they think to be me... yet, that person does not exist.

    I don't know what I've just typed... my head is spinning right now... my thoughts whirling around in my head... My head throbs... from the right hand side... It almost feels asthough there is a knife sticking out of my skull... That I have been stabbed... or better yet, have stabbed myself... The pain worsens... my throbbing muscles tighten, as I think of all the horrid things I have done.
    All I know is that I want to get this all out... I want this pain to stop... want it to go away... then again, maybe I would miss it if it were gone... I don't know...

    I have had several panic attacks in the past few days... The thoughts in my head won't slow down... the guilt and the pain of the things I've done... whirls around like a hurricaine... pulling me further and further into it's arms, the more I think... I am being consumed by all this pain...

    I have apologized to all that have been hurt by my lies, my deceit, and the way I used to live... in my tangled web of lies... But, there is one person... a person who I never got to meet, yet, for the short time I knew her... she was my world. I made sure nothing happened to her... made sure she was healthy, and okay... I made sure that everything I did was for her... I lived for her... she was helpless... she depended on me... she loved me... she never did anything wrong...
    and,
    I FUCKING KILLED HER.

    I deserve to die... I deserve to be ground to small pieces... to be tortured and pained... To have my breath and my life sucked out of me. I do not deserve to live... Not after what I have done, this time... My Anna Lisa, my little baby girl... I don't know how to apologize to her... she was so small... she hadn't even had the chance to say her first words... and, because of me, she never will...

    I was browsing the internet today, and I found this poem... It made me realise just how terrible a person I am.
    As I read it, I felt as though it was my Anna Lisa... telling me how she felt, in the last moments of her life:


    mommy i love you so
    im still alive
    i kick to let you know
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    where are we to go
    what is that oh no no
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    why are you so scared
    im not inpaired i have all my fingers and all my toes
    and cant wait to wear those pink little bows
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    why are you nervous
    dont be sad
    we will be together then and oyu will be glad
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    but why is it so cold
    i am not yet very old
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    why is my heart not making that sound
    pound pound pound
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    im so scared
    so terrified
    please hold me now
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    but something isnt not right
    where is my air where is my light
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    hold on to me mommy dont let me go
    why oh know do you not love me so
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    it isnt my time to go
    this i know
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    it hurts stop stop
    the pain wont stop
    save me mommy
    hold me now make them stop

    mommy i love you
    yes i still do
    all my pain is through
    but the sad thing is that
    i thought you
    loved me too

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I don't think I need to tell you how this poem made me feel.
    All I can say is that I may never be able to forgive myself for what I did.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I don't know what else to say now... all I can think about is how much I want all this pain to just end... how much I wish with all of my heart, that someday, I will be loved, and I will be able to feel it... That I will no longer need to do these horrid things I have done... No more lies, no more deception, no more feeling as though I have to impress ... for, that day, in my day of happiness... I will finally be loved for who I am... and, I will TRULY feel it.



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