... (broken_eyes) wrote, @ 2004-06-12 10:54:00

A month and a half. A month and a half till my life is totaly devoted to a little child. I dont know if im even ready or if i even can. I can put on a good face, I can show my excitement and pretend everythings ok... But im scared. I have little sources for support - my parents, his parents, and Zak - and even then i dont feel the support they try and offer. I have so many doubts. In myself, and in Zak. Its a new experience, a new responsibility that im not sure im ready for or even want.

I never got morning sickness, and I dont feel preg now, but then I'll wake up when he's really active at night and feel him kick and move - makes me realize that theres someone in there. Its a real thing, a real person inside me that pretty soon is going to be totaly dependant on me. I cant even take care of myself, how am i supposed to take care of this little life? Theres no guarantee with Zak, he could leave anyday he wants, or just stop coming and helping raise his child. I already feel like im on my own.

I never thought or planned on having a kid when I was 21, and I sure as hell thought i would be married first - have an established family first. But there is no family. Its just us - two people who arent married trying to get by in life, the simplest, cheepest way we can, with everyone telling me it wont work out the way I want it to. I know He doesnt want me - no one ever has, and never will. I proably make his life miserable every day, a little more at a time. Ever since i moved in with his parents (to save on money) they never fail to remind me that Zak only cares about himself, does what he wants and whatever he thinks is best for him reguardless of the consequences it might have on others - just as long as it suits him and hes happy. I can see that, and the things hes done to prove that they're right. But I can also see the Zak Ive always seen - The person he is now mixed with the one he could be... but maybe Im just kidding myself and he'll never change - He'll never be the person he says he wants to be... the person he could be. Ive lied to myself in the past, made myself belive things to my benefit... just make me happy or comfortable... maybe I'm just lying to myself now, and He'll always be the same person. And if raising a child doesnt work out for him or gets too hard he'll just stop and leave just like they say.

Its just hard for me to be happy lately. When i stop and think about it and look at everything as a whole it just makes me realize how shitty my life really is and is about to become. It gets me really depressed and i just cant shake it. Its like a wake up call to reality instead of the fake life ive built around myself to keep me happy. Im just miserable and no one really cares. They shouldnt... its not their fault. I know Zak doesnt care either. Why should he - He has a shitty life too... i make his life horrible for him. At least he has his cure for everything - masturbation - to turn to. I have nothing. I had him, till i realized I just make his life miserable as well.

I just... *shrugs with a sigh* I just want everything to go away. I cant remember the last time i was really, truely happy. I buy things that i remember made me happy when i was little but they dont work now. I dont want to be preg or have a kid. I dont want to be living here, or working where i work. I dont want to look I do, or be the way i am. I just wanna wake up with a whole new life, new friends, new surroundings, new everything. Then maybe everything would be ok.
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Zak told me he wanted to be alone today. A year or a few months ago it wouldnt bother me but now theres this huge trust issue I have with him, where basically i dont know if i do trust him anymore. Hes messed up one too many times, and he knows he has, he admited knew he was messing up while he was doing what he was doing but that didnt stop him.

It mostly just bothered me today because I just wanted to do something with him. Like 'Actually' do something. He had this whole week off and we havent done anything - like go somewhere or do something. He/we just stayed home. He played computer games. "Organized" his porn and watched Buffy. Even on days/nights when we do go out and do something its always that we go out and watch a movie. We dont go play pool or go bowling or something, just to the movies and back home. Dunno why we dont. I used to just go to Ozz and play pool with my friends all the time, or go bowling - dunno why Zak and i dont go. It sounds stupid but i was looking forward all week to seeing a stupid movie that come out yesterday but we never saw it. Zak kept watching Buffy with Chad saying "we'll see the one in a few hours from now" then when we actually left and got to the theatre it was sold out. Today - is the last day of Art City Days, which really doesnt mean much except that the carnival is in Springville and tonight is the last night it will be there. I thought it would be fun to go, and then maybe see the movie afterward... But Zak declares he wants his Alone time today to do who knows what. Sure he could just be planning on screwing up again, providing more proof to not trust him, or he could just be playing video games - either way thats not what was bothering me when he told me not to come over till 9pm. I was just this whole fact that deep down i still wanted to see that stupid movie with him today, and i wanted to actually go out and do something with him on his last day off. But no. I have to sit here by myself and not do anything.

I just get depressed/dissapointed when stuff like this happens because its all i was thinking about doing, and i get all excited and planning for it... and then it doesnt happen - its like a total let down. Doesnt matter i guess, and maybe im just being selfish in my last month or so of actually being able to do anything.. with anyone... without having to worry about a babysitter or how the babys doing or if i have enough money to do this and still buy diapers in the morning for the baby...
*shrug*

hey babe... modest_riot 2004-06-14 15:53 (link)

dont make it about zak or his parents or yours, dont make it about how you may or may not make him feel. make it about you and this baby. build a bond with this baby, and make the baby change your life, for the better. yes, the baby will depend on you, but you also need to rely on him(her). people say children change their whole view. i wish you sooo much luck with this. your so brave. xoxo jenny-o (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: hey babe... broken_eyes 2004-06-20 12:03 (link)
	You're right. I think i started out with that mindset but over time i just got stressed out or something and lost track of my main goal and just needed a reminder. Thanx =). Things have already started to look and feel better (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)