-Why don't you do right- (broken_dreamz) wrote, @ 2003-06-16 16:56:00

Current mood:

uncomfortable

I don't know what to really say, but I guess I might as well tell about it. It seems strange and unreal now but I want to make sure I don't forget what happened either.

I came home on thursday at 1 o' clock and took 65 pills or so, it was so impulsive I didn't even know what I was doing at the time. I just sat at my computer crying eating one after the other. I realized what I did was wrong, but at the time I was really conflicted. I called my mom and drove over to her office in walnut creek, I think I almost crashed twice because I kept on falling asleep. Around 5 my mom and I went home, and on the drive back I told her what I did. So around 8 o' clock she took my to john muir where I threw up in the lobby and then again after I drank the charcoal. That is the worse thing I have ever tasted, it was jet black and sweet and stained my mouth and teeth. It's strange that all the stuff that happened to me seems like deja vou (spell?) I could almost remember how the medicine tasted even though I never had it before. The old woman they brough into the area next to me also seemed familiar. She kept on screaming aye aye aye aye and making weird moaning noises, I heard someone say something like "bet you don't want to touch" that or something.

Somewhere alone the line the police showed up and then I was given muco mist and it was about 1 at night by that point. One of the nurses told me jesus loves me.

So I stayed in the hospital for 2 days then was transfered over to a teen hospital.

It was different there, basically everyone who was there was a little younger than me...everyone had tried to commit suicide. Nate ate oleander growing in his backyard. Natasha...I think that was her name, threatened to kill her mother with a knife and ran away from home for a day to stay with older guys. Another girl with long dreadlocks had an abortion and was kicked out of the house by her parents. Heather heard voices of devils who told her to stab herself. Kristina was raped and kept laughing this forced and unpleasent laugh at everything and everyone.

My favorite person there was Lindsey, she was really nice but sad too. She escaped from the teen hospital we were at and stole a car, tried to maul people and then crashed it. She also beat the shit out of some other girl. She told us about little trolls bouncing on her bed with lifesavers, how one night they pulled balls out of her head. How she could never find Ed and how her Dad accussed her of stealing all his quarters. She was raped also. Everyonce in awhile she would get confused and go into her own world. I don't know why but I really liked her, I guess there is always some people that I really like for some unexplained reason. Yeah because I liked her when I first met her (in a non sexual way of course) and I really liked kevin koo in my class and gennie lee. There is just some people like that for me, even if I don't know them that much.

Joey another kid in there was 14 and doesn't have any parents. Sometimes he burst into rages and then other times he acts like a little kid with curly hair. They had to restrain him once and he was butt naked when they dragged him into the room, yelling and screaming "I hate you fucking bitches." When he came out he appologized for being a "bad boy."

Mashama was one of the theripist at the hospital that I just met today, he was really funny with as he described it, "getting it on with his rastifarian (spell?) self." He talked about how dirty bathrooms are in a high loud voice and everyones problems. We all needed laughs. Sometimes in the day room we would all sit and stare at our hands, too tired and too lost in our own selves to speak, yeah and too drugged up.

At night I couldn't sleep well, and I really hate being alone. I hate being in this house right now. So many memories and sadness. I feel like I'm chocking still I feel like I'm being killed still sometimes even though that is melodramatic as I always am. Good thing we leave for virginia tonight. My dad told my grandma I tried to kill myself, I wonder how she will act towards me. I'm afraid of that.

So anyway...I was there at that hospital for 3 days, and just got out. They put me on medication, three pills a day. It hasn't worked yet, I'm still sad but I'll wait and see. It's all so overwhelming what happend in these past 5 days, I stared at the tiles in my room, one looked like an anime face and another I swear looked kind of like a penis. Someone scratched over my headboard girls are dead.

I feel sort of like I want to go back there to that hospital, I miss being with other people my age. Funny, everyone there was dying to get out, but I sort of miss it. I want to see how lindsey is doing and I want to watch another movie with them all. Even if I don't speak.

	Sad deaaqua 2003-06-16 20:37 (link)
	I was randomly clicking journals and I came to yours, I'm glad I did! Your entry is really interesting, actually I don't know if thats the right word for it. *sigh* I don't know how I feel about it...don't know if that makes sense. Well, I hope you feel much better!!! Thank you for this entry! *smiles* (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: Sad deaaqua 2003-06-16 20:47 (link)
	I forgot, do you mind if I add you to my friends list? *smiles* (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Sad broken_dreamz 2003-06-30 16:13 (link)
	Of course I don't mind lol Added you back. :) (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

The Other Side bleedingrei 2003-06-16 22:26 (link)

I have never tried to overdose or anything in my life, but I know how it feels to be impulsive and sad. I was with my boyfriend a week or so ago and in front of him I plucked up one of my razors and made a huge gash in my left arm. We both stared at it as it filled with blood. I wasn't even myself at the time. Now it just adds to the other scare. At those times, I am not myself. There is a lot of strange stuff outside of our minds. But, I think that the mind is the most scary place because anything can happen. Have fun on vacation. My name is Heidi, by the way. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	faeriespeckles 2003-06-16 22:30 (link)
	When I went to the hospital for the first time, there was a girl there named Malia who had also threatened to kill her mother with a knife and then ran away and stayed with some guys. Weird. I kind of wanted to go back, too. Then I did go back. And every experience since then sucked. I mean, SUCKED. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	bleedingrei 2003-06-17 00:13 (link)
	Why did you go? That is, if you don't mind sharing. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

faeriespeckles 2003-06-17 23:17 (link)

The first time I went because I swallowed a few handfulls of various pills and refused to hoarf it up. The second time I went because one of my psychiatrists believed I was a threat to myself. The third time I went because I got into a fight with my parents, and they didn't think I was emotionally stable enough to be alone. The fourth time I went because I made a three inch long gash in my arm that was so deep you could see the tendon. The first two times were to a hospital in my town, the third was in a hospital about an hour away, and the fourth time was in another hospital about an hour away. Jesus Christ... I don't think I ever realized how crazy I really was. :-x (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: bleedingrei 2003-06-18 10:03 (link)
	Ah, I see. That doesn't make you crazy... Really, I think I have an idea of what you feel at least. How does that all make you feel? Ashamed? Relieved? I'm am interested. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

faeriespeckles 2003-06-18 23:18 (link)

Hmm... Stronger, maybe. I'm not ashamed. I'm not relieved, either. I get kind of defensive about it though. I have a lot I can say about it, and will say it if someone doesn't think I'm being serious. I don't mean to sound like I brag about it, because it's not like that. I don't just up and tell anyone. But when people are like, "No, you don't know what it's like. You're not crazy." I get all... >:-( Arg! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: bleedingrei 2003-06-19 10:30 (link)

People get so retarded. Everyone would like to think that no one can relate to them. that their problems are unique only to them. It is like, they do not want ot be helped at all and remain in their little "problematic" shell. Everyone gets so frightened when I can relate; like I'm some kind of monster. I know you aren't bragging because how can you? It is something you have to deal with. Talking about it is not bragging. Still, people get confused with that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

faeriespeckles 2003-06-19 23:04 (link)

I understand people thinking that no one can relate. I'm like that. I know that it's a ridiculous assumption, and that people exist who really can relate, but I just don't think I've met very many of them. People who show some kind of understanding are mini gods and goddesses to me. Like you. I like you. You undertstand things. I don't get people thinking I'm some kind of monster because I can relate. I get people thinking that I don't have it was bad as they do. I dunno. The feeling's mutual. I don't really believe that I have it worse... it just seems like it. I'm also convinced that there is not a single person on this planet who gives a shit, too. I know that that isn't true... that's just how it feels sometimes. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: bleedingrei 2003-06-20 08:47 (link)

Seriously I do feel like no one knows what I'm going through. I've tried most of my life to make myself think I am not special and not unique in anywat whatsoever. I also have tried ot make myself assume that my problems are miniscule compared to those of others and I am just a whiny little bitch that over reacts. Like yesterday, I found out that my dad will not be going to my grad party. Instead he will be in MO for one reason or another. I hate him as it is but it ticked me off. I slammed my fist into the siding of the house a few times and scared my family. They are always there, but do not really understand. My boy friend, Miguel has been a great positive influence in my life. It dawned on me that on a small scale, that is what Kasey must be to you. Feeling that people don't give a shit is pretty damn close I think, lol. Hard to know I suppose. I like you too... You have experienced a lot. It is good to hear that someone knows something of how I feel. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

faeriespeckles 2003-06-22 01:26 (link)

I already feel that I am in no way special or that my problems are in any way as imortant as anyone else's. I feel like everyone else feels that way about me, too. That's messed up about your dad. But it's cool that your family is there for you. I have found that people just don't know what to say to people with emotional problems like us. It's hard for them to grasp that people don't take things the same way they do. I don't know what Kacey is for me. He's completed my life as it is right now. I really do not know what I would do without him. :) (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: bleedingrei 2003-06-22 08:32 (link)
	Kasey sounds like a really awesome guy. Sometimes it amazes me how people like him put up with people like us. Heh. If I met me, I would not deal with my shit. What is your family like? You are right, no one knows what to say. They just try to ignore it and hope we go away or deal somehow. Of course we could not ask for their help. Blah. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

faeriespeckles 2003-06-22 23:24 (link)

Kacey is a really awesome guy. Every time I'm around him, I fall in love with him more. I love everything about him. And I know what you're saying. I would despise a person like me. My family... they try to help. My parents have done everything possible and then some to try and make this bad feeling go away, but I just don't seem to cooperate. But it only goes so far. They'll take me to every doctor in the state and fill out prescriptions for every pill I'm prescribed but god forbid they actually sit down and listen. We have totally different views. It makes it so hard... Anyway, as for everyone else... I don't even think they believe that I am depressed. Nothing, no one is as depressed or as deep or as intelligent as they are. Of course I'm a huge hypocrite because I'm pretty sure I've never even met someone who has had depression as.. to such an extent as I have. But I have extenuating (sp)circumstances. :-x Are people around you like that? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: bleedingrei 2003-06-23 23:04 (link)

I have no idea what peopel think because they do not usual show it. If they do, it seems to be concern. My father knows the minimum and no matter how hard I try to explain it to me, it still does not register in his puny head. My mother is very religious and we are on two different wave lengths. We just agree to disagree. Everyone else thinks they have the key to make it all right. It is thoughtful, but not what I need. Did you have a hard childhood? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

faeriespeckles 2003-06-24 22:31 (link)

My parents are religious too. They don't even agree to disagree. They're right, everyone else is wrong. Including me. My childhood so far hasn't really been hard, or at least I don't think anyone else would concider it hard. I've been through some pretty tough shit though. I've never gotten along with people, my parents and I used to fight on a daily basis, and those fights would get.. violent. My sister was never really too great of a child either. You know what I mean. How old are you? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: bleedingrei 2003-06-25 09:49 (link)

I'm 18, what about you? I have two younger sisters, one is 17 and the other is 15. They can't do anything and just get sad whenever I do anything. My parents always argued. It never turned into physical violence but the verbal was pretty damn bad. You know, it doesn't matter what people say about your childhood and not thinking it has been hard. It was hard to you and it is all that you know. According to your standards it was tough. Fuck everyone else. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

faeriespeckles 2003-06-25 23:55 (link)

I'm 17. What do you mean your sisters can't do anything? And my parents... they only hit me a few times. Usually it was just harsh verbal stuff. Sometimes, words can't hurt more than actions because emotional pain tends to leave a deeper scar, if it heals at all. And yeah, I know... it doesn't matter what other people say. I care entirely way too much what other people think. But with my depression... no one can fuck with it. You can say whatever you fucking want to, and I'm still going to hold firm to my beliefs. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: bleedingrei 2003-06-26 10:06 (link)

I understand that you will hold firm to what you believe. If you don't, what else do we have? Emotional pain is the very worst to me... my therapist I had awhile go described it as a wound filled with poison and every bad event kind of adds more to it and never lets the wound heal. MY sisters cannot do much because they do not know how to deal with that part of my life. They can only try to comfort me, you know? I was thinking about going back to some sort of therapy because the cutting is going out of control. Do you wish that you felt better about things? In a sense, do you wish you were "recovered" (or whatever you want to call it)? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

faeriespeckles 2003-06-26 23:12 (link)

That is a good description. What I have learned about therapy is that it is only helpful if you use it correctly, as with any medication. If the cutting is getting that bad, you should definately seek help. But do you want it? To answer your question, I do and I don't. I do, especially when it gets really bad and I'm having an uncontrollable fit and resorting to razorblades and drugs. I don't when I'm not so down, and I feel... creative. Unique. Moreover, I'm comfortable here in this bottomless black pitt of nothingness. I know my nothingness. It has never failed me. It's the only thing that I have that I can say is truly mine, that I understand completely about myself. I'm rambling aren't I? Sorry. What about you? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: bleedingrei 2003-06-27 09:35 (link)

No no, it isn't rambling at all. I know what you mean. I feel bad that it hurts other people so much. When Miguel is crying or my mother or my sister is begging me to stop because she is afraid I'll die, then I feel bad. For a moment I have conviction to stop. You are right though, it is something to have have all to myself. It is my little secret. These are MY wounds and I put them there. It also makes me feel unique. I don't really want new meds and therapy for myself as much as I do for others. It is a toss up, you know? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	faeriespeckles 2003-06-28 01:38 (link)
	I see what you're saying. I've never had anybody cry because they were afraid i might die.. I don't think. But I think I know what you mean. What's bleedingrei? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: bleedingrei 2003-06-28 09:45 (link)

Well, the Rei comes from Ayanami Rei, from Neion Genesis Evangelion. Someone very close to me used to tell me that I look like her, although she is an anime character. The 'bleeding' part comes from the cutting. I'm sure someone has cried over you before. Maybe not in front of you, but most likely. Do you know what everyone else around you feels about you? I don't really look far into it, but maybe you do? What is your real name, by the way? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

faeriespeckles 2003-06-29 22:46 (link)

I don't know what other people think, but I think they hate me. All of them. They've been so nice to me recently, though. Sometimes things start to get better and then all at once it gets worse and that glimpse of happiness is gone, just like that. It seems like it's God's cruel, sick way of punnishing me for being such a worthless piece of shit. Fucking fuckass. Yes, yes I do look that far into it. I am constantly wondering what people think, analyzing how I act, trying to see it from a different point of view, over criticizing every little word or action that comes from my body. My real name is Erin, but I pretend it's Velvet sometimes online and always at work. This is why: One of my goals in life is to write a book. My pen name is going to be Velvet Love, because I think it's pretty. But also because I don't want everyone to know who really wrote that book. I do want some of them to know though, and those are the ones who are going to remember that my nametag says Velvet. The book is going to be about my experiences with depression and the things I have been through. I don't want a certain few.. well, most people to know that it's really me who's saying that. I wouldn't want to be murdered. I just don't want to go out like that. But some people have seen me at work with my nametag that says Velvet... they know it's really me but pretend like they don't. Sometimes people have asked me if I was Erin, or told me that I looked like her, asked if I had a sister, told me stories about what happened to me after I disappeared, ect. I like to fuck with their heads. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: bleedingrei 2003-06-30 09:24 (link)
	That is really funny and really cool. I don't think I could ever get away with anything like that. You work at Taco Bell, right? Do you have scars on your arms? Are you able to cover them? Do you worry so much because you are insecure? God seems rather cruel at times. I get so confused and lonely even though there are people around. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

faeriespeckles 2003-06-30 23:33 (link)

I can't really get away with it. Some people know who I am. Yes, I have long, deep scars right on top of my veins on my left wrist. I wear a watch sometimes. A lot of bracelets. People don't really notice. Those who do don't ask. Which brings me to the conclusion that people don't care. But maybe that's just my thinking. I guess I'm insecure. I'm pretty much everything negative. I always feel alone. Except around Kacey. Do you even feel alone around Miguel? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: bleedingrei 2003-07-01 09:09 (link)

no, I don't feel alone around Miguel. He makes me happy and full. The thought of him leaving freaks me out. I think I have dependency issues. Do you? I don't think people really care... Hard to say because they still stare. Sometimes I'd like ot not wear any bracelets and see what people say. I have cuts and scars up to elbows and both arms. I have to cover them with socks I buy at the dollar store or arm bands. Heh. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	faeriespeckles 2003-07-03 23:19 (link)
	I'm pretty sure I have dependency issues, but I'm trying to work on that. I'm sorry about your arms. Maybe you should try cutting somewhere where no one will see. ;) I've done that before, and have cuts on my legs, stomach, and feet. People don't ask so many questions if there's a cut on your foot, you know? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: bleedingrei 2003-07-06 00:22 (link)
	Yeah... too bad I'm trying to quit. It is hard ot let my arms heal up. They look wrong without something fresh. I gave my razors to Miguel. He made me dig up old ones out of the trash. He wont give them back this time. I hope this works. You don't have to be sorry. It was my choice, I think. You'll get through it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	faeriespeckles 2003-07-07 23:24 (link)
	well i hope it works out for you *hug* i think it may just be a good choice :) (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: bleedingrei 2003-07-08 07:07 (link)
	Thank you so much You know, I always hope the best for you. Even if there isn't a god, you're in my prayers. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	faeriespeckles 2003-07-08 23:35 (link)
	Thank you (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

demented_doll 2003-06-17 18:47 (link)

hey why did u do that? well when u said earlier that u wanted to kill yourself i didnt think you were being serious...but then after u didnt update for a hwile i kinda got worried bu tshit i didnt think youd actually do it!!! i really hope you are feeling better now :( i really reallly do. i hope life treats you right. how are things with you now? do you feel better? i really hope you do :( dont ever do that again (Reply to this) (Thread)

	broken_dreamz 2003-06-30 16:32 (link)
	Yeah I'm feeling better since they put me on medication, I have less sudden mood swings but I still feel a little jumbled and confused sometimes. So if I leave strange comments in your journal, please don't take them badly lol. Thanks for asking about me, that means a whole lot. Luv ya -T (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)