|Current mood:|| uncomfortable|
I don't know what to really say, but I guess I might as well tell about it. It seems strange and unreal now but I want to make sure I don't forget what happened either.
I came home on thursday at 1 o' clock and took 65 pills or so, it was so impulsive I didn't even know what I was doing at the time. I just sat at my computer crying eating one after the other. I realized what I did was wrong, but at the time I was really conflicted. I called my mom and drove over to her office in walnut creek, I think I almost crashed twice because I kept on falling asleep. Around 5 my mom and I went home, and on the drive back I told her what I did. So around 8 o' clock she took my to john muir where I threw up in the lobby and then again after I drank the charcoal. That is the worse thing I have ever tasted, it was jet black and sweet and stained my mouth and teeth. It's strange that all the stuff that happened to me seems like deja vou (spell?) I could almost remember how the medicine tasted even though I never had it before. The old woman they brough into the area next to me also seemed familiar. She kept on screaming aye aye aye aye and making weird moaning noises, I heard someone say something like "bet you don't want to touch" that or something.
Somewhere alone the line the police showed up and then I was given muco mist and it was about 1 at night by that point. One of the nurses told me jesus loves me.
So I stayed in the hospital for 2 days then was transfered over to a teen hospital.
It was different there, basically everyone who was there was a little younger than me...everyone had tried to commit suicide. Nate ate oleander growing in his backyard. Natasha...I think that was her name, threatened to kill her mother with a knife and ran away from home for a day to stay with older guys. Another girl with long dreadlocks had an abortion and was kicked out of the house by her parents. Heather heard voices of devils who told her to stab herself. Kristina was raped and kept laughing this forced and unpleasent laugh at everything and everyone.
My favorite person there was Lindsey, she was really nice but sad too. She escaped from the teen hospital we were at and stole a car, tried to maul people and then crashed it. She also beat the shit out of some other girl. She told us about little trolls bouncing on her bed with lifesavers, how one night they pulled balls out of her head. How she could never find Ed and how her Dad accussed her of stealing all his quarters. She was raped also. Everyonce in awhile she would get confused and go into her own world. I don't know why but I really liked her, I guess there is always some people that I really like for some unexplained reason. Yeah because I liked her when I first met her (in a non sexual way of course) and I really liked kevin koo in my class and gennie lee. There is just some people like that for me, even if I don't know them that much.
Joey another kid in there was 14 and doesn't have any parents. Sometimes he burst into rages and then other times he acts like a little kid with curly hair. They had to restrain him once and he was butt naked when they dragged him into the room, yelling and screaming "I hate you fucking bitches." When he came out he appologized for being a "bad boy."
Mashama was one of the theripist at the hospital that I just met today, he was really funny with as he described it, "getting it on with his rastifarian (spell?) self." He talked about how dirty bathrooms are in a high loud voice and everyones problems. We all needed laughs. Sometimes in the day room we would all sit and stare at our hands, too tired and too lost in our own selves to speak, yeah and too drugged up.
At night I couldn't sleep well, and I really hate being alone. I hate being in this house right now. So many memories and sadness. I feel like I'm chocking still I feel like I'm being killed still sometimes even though that is melodramatic as I always am. Good thing we leave for virginia tonight. My dad told my grandma I tried to kill myself, I wonder how she will act towards me. I'm afraid of that.
So anyway...I was there at that hospital for 3 days, and just got out. They put me on medication, three pills a day. It hasn't worked yet, I'm still sad but I'll wait and see. It's all so overwhelming what happend in these past 5 days, I stared at the tiles in my room, one looked like an anime face and another I swear looked kind of like a penis. Someone scratched over my headboard girls are dead.
I feel sort of like I want to go back there to that hospital, I miss being with other people my age. Funny, everyone there was dying to get out, but I sort of miss it. I want to see how lindsey is doing and I want to watch another movie with them all. Even if I don't speak.
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I don't know what other people think, but I think they hate me. All of them. They've been so nice to me recently, though. Sometimes things start to get better and then all at once it gets worse and that glimpse of happiness is gone, just like that. It seems like it's God's cruel, sick way of punnishing me for being such a worthless piece of shit. Fucking fuckass. Yes, yes I do look that far into it. I am constantly wondering what people think, analyzing how I act, trying to see it from a different point of view, over criticizing every little word or action that comes from my body. |
My real name is Erin, but I pretend it's Velvet sometimes online and always at work. This is why: One of my goals in life is to write a book. My pen name is going to be Velvet Love, because I think it's pretty. But also because I don't want everyone to know who really wrote that book. I do want some of them to know though, and those are the ones who are going to remember that my nametag says Velvet. The book is going to be about my experiences with depression and the things I have been through. I don't want a certain few.. well, most people to know that it's really me who's saying that. I wouldn't want to be murdered. I just don't want to go out like that. But some people have seen me at work with my nametag that says Velvet... they know it's really me but pretend like they don't. Sometimes people have asked me if I was Erin, or told me that I looked like her, asked if I had a sister, told me stories about what happened to me after I disappeared, ect. I like to fuck with their heads.
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