|Current mood:|| sad|
Today I had my physio. and my german final, I hope they went alright I really need to get a good grade in physio.
Tomorrows my last day of highschool at Northgate and I'm very depressed by this. I feel so empty about everything in my life, and despite my parents trying to comfort me as I rattle off another stinken rant of the past, it still all hurts too much.
Before physio class I had to give sonia and hollyn back thier math books, I haven't talked to them in about 2 months, nor have I talked to kim either in 3 months. I've know these girls for 5 years, they hate me now, I have no friends at all. And I feel so quilty about the things I have done to screw up our friendships, how I was needy and jealous. How stupid I was and blind. How Hollyn gave me chances to open up to her, but I never took them because she was also the one who put me down the most. It's all so confusing and I'm so sad and alone thinking about all the great things those three are doing together while I'm here at home alone. When I gave them back thier books they turned away with few words. That's the last I'll see of them probably.
I can't stop thinking about killing myself, when I go into the kitchen I think wow I could just end it right now with stuff under the kitchen sink. Draino, cleaners, varnishes...or asprin and alcohol..somehow I can't help think that no one would care if I died except my mom and dad. Everyone else doesn't really give a shit.
I'm so fucked up, I even planned out the day I probably am going to do it Aug 1, the Friday before my 17th birthday. I'm so selfish. I don't want to grow up anymore and I don't want to be alone.
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It is wierd, I never understand why other people want to kill themselves yet I've attempted suicide so many times. When I read your blurty I really related to what you were saying. How you don't want to be alone and you don't want to grow up. I wish I could say something to you that would make you feel differently, but I know there really isn't anything that anyone could say to me. I just hope everything turns around for you.|
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