-Why don't you do right- (broken_dreamz) wrote, @ 2003-06-11 15:37:00

Current mood:

sad

Today I had my physio. and my german final, I hope they went alright I really need to get a good grade in physio.

Tomorrows my last day of highschool at Northgate and I'm very depressed by this. I feel so empty about everything in my life, and despite my parents trying to comfort me as I rattle off another stinken rant of the past, it still all hurts too much.

Before physio class I had to give sonia and hollyn back thier math books, I haven't talked to them in about 2 months, nor have I talked to kim either in 3 months. I've know these girls for 5 years, they hate me now, I have no friends at all. And I feel so quilty about the things I have done to screw up our friendships, how I was needy and jealous. How stupid I was and blind. How Hollyn gave me chances to open up to her, but I never took them because she was also the one who put me down the most. It's all so confusing and I'm so sad and alone thinking about all the great things those three are doing together while I'm here at home alone. When I gave them back thier books they turned away with few words. That's the last I'll see of them probably.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself, when I go into the kitchen I think wow I could just end it right now with stuff under the kitchen sink. Draino, cleaners, varnishes...or asprin and alcohol..somehow I can't help think that no one would care if I died except my mom and dad. Everyone else doesn't really give a shit.

I'm so fucked up, I even planned out the day I probably am going to do it Aug 1, the Friday before my 17th birthday. I'm so selfish. I don't want to grow up anymore and I don't want to be alone.

ferazhins_tears 2003-06-11 19:05 (link)

*hugs* First of all, you needn't feel alone. I know it's not much, but you have all your blurty friends! That probably doesn't make you feel much better... Well, I just met you, but I would still be sad if you were to kill yourself. I don't know what happened between you and your old friends, but if they were saying things to put you down, you're probably better off without them. If you're going to a new school, that gives you the opportunity to meet new friends. If you have AIM, feel free to IM me any time you need someone to talk to. My screen name is on my user info page. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	broken_dreamz 2003-06-12 01:08 (link)
	Hey thanks a lot, your so compassionate, kind, thoughtful...I want a word to describe people but I can never think of the correct one. Thanks again <3 (everyone needs to rant and vent, it's nice to know others do the same as well) (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	demented_doll 2003-06-11 21:45 (link)
	hey well think bout it...ur going to a new school..so u can start a new life...im sure ull make sum new friends dat u deserve (Reply to this) (Thread)

	broken_dreamz 2003-06-12 01:04 (link)
	Yeah I know, I just bitch and moan when depressed. Thanks heh. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

i give a shit!! pumpkinimmy 2003-06-12 11:14 (link)

:( I wish I had something really cool and wise to say to you that would make you feel better about life. :( Growing up and being alone blows. I'm not even going to TRY to sugar coat it for you because you're not stupid. :) And it seems so condescending when people who have no idea how it feels to live your life tells you stuff like that, you know? The only thing I can say to you is that you're not alone in feeling the way you do. And if you EVER need to talk about anything at all, even if it's just to vent, that I'm here for you! It sounds really cliche, but talking about your problems really does help ... at least it does for me. (My e-mail address is: goodnightgirl@glis.net) I mean it. Totally take me up on that offer. :) Like I mentioned earlier, I'm far from wise, but I'm a good listener. :) It breaks my heart to read that you're contemplating suicide ... because I KNOW you deserve a happy and nice life and it's not fair that you aren't living it, you know? The shitty things always seem to happen to the GOOD people. :( I'm so sorry. :( :( YOU take care of yourself and feel free to get in contact with me ANYTIME, okay? *hugs* (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: i give a shit!! broken_dreamz 2003-06-12 19:20 (link)
	Thanks a lot for your kindness, it does mean a lot... I really like your personality even though it's just over the internet and even though we haven't know each other that long. I guess what I mean is that you seem like a greater person, (does that make sense) and I'm glad I can talk to you. <3 (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

miragordo 2003-07-01 03:07 (link)

It is wierd, I never understand why other people want to kill themselves yet I've attempted suicide so many times. When I read your blurty I really related to what you were saying. How you don't want to be alone and you don't want to grow up. I wish I could say something to you that would make you feel differently, but I know there really isn't anything that anyone could say to me. I just hope everything turns around for you. (Reply to this) (Thread)