|Current music:||The Beatles|
The good, the bad, the very bad.. everything that has happened lately has got my mind racing. My body is about to give from the exhaustion, but the thoughts won't give me a moment's rest. The tense relationships with other people have come down to the breaking point, and today was.. the straw that broke the camel's back.
Ashton and I.. it's complicated, more than I would have ever thought when we met on the set of Just Married. We dated months ago, after we had grown so close on set. I had never been happier then I was when I was with him. And I assumed then that he would be the one I spent my life with. But time passed. Things between us changed. It happened so suddenly that I barely knew what to make of it. After a vacation together, I felt as if he didn't care like he used to, so we broke up. Soon after, we found out I was pregnant, and I didn't stop to think it could be anyone's but his. Suddenly things were completely different. I'm not ashamed to say that I wanted to be with him again, even though we had just broken up. But.. he ran off the next day with Justin. Things were done and over, just like that. It hurt like hell. After that, things were never the same between us. We fought constantly. And when we learned the baby wasn't his.. it seemed as if the tie was cut off completely.
If anyone had asked me a week ago, I would have said that he most likely resented me. I had been hurt, and so had he. As far as I could see, that was the end of that chapter of my life. And yet.. a few days ago I received an entirely unexpected phone call from him. I knew what had happened to him, with.. others. I'll admit, I was suspicious when he called. But he seemed so sincere that I couldn't help but agree to pick him up at the airport that night. He came back to my house and stayed in a guest room until last night, when.. he came to my bed. Suddenly it felt the same as it had when we first started seeing each other. It felt like love all over again. And.. I didn't fight it.
But then.. there's James. Things with him are even more complicated than I can begin to say. Despite everything that has happened, we still managed to stay close. We planned to go out for the day, so we did, starting off at Target. Mostly we wandered around the toy area, with me amusing myself in the baby section, and him searching through the Spider-man and Ninja Turtle action figures. I guess there's something about the obnoxious noises the toddler toys make that bothered him, or the way I would make them all go off at the same time. In any case, it was fun. But then we headed out for lunch..
I wasn't sure what to tell him about Ashton and I, or our relationship. I certainly never intended to say a word about what happened the night before. But.. I don't know what happened.. and I let it slip. There was a look in his eyes at that moment that I can't even begin to describe, but it was more than obvious that he was upset. The table we were using was soon toppled on the floor. A scene was caused amongst the crowd of business men that were dining as well. Words were exchanged.. loudly. And I can't say I don't understand why he was mad. In any case.. eventually things shifted from a shouting match to awkward silence. He drove me back to my place, and neither of us said another word.
Sometimes I wish things were a little more clear cut in life. This is overwhelming. I wish.. I could call Matt and talk to him for a while. I can always count on him to make sense when nothing else does. He's been sick lately, and I don't want to bother him with this, but I could use a little Antarctic humor. I'm just.. not sure what to do now. But I'm not asking Ashton to leave my house..
I don't know what will happen.. I never imagined I would be in this situation.
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