I have a feeling this entry will be all over the place. But oh well.
The past few weeks have been extremely crazy. As easy as it would be to just blame it on hormones, of the fact that I'm stressed out, I'm not going to do that. But I feel like some.. whacked out, psychotic version of myself, like the Hulk, minus the extreme growth and colour change (and the oh-so fashionable purple pants). I've been so moody and touchy that I end up picking fights with people I care about, or lashing out at them and doing weird things that I regret two minutes later. So if anyone is actually reading this that has been the butt of my tempestuous rage, I'm sorry. Again.
I spent most of the day with my mother. Time with my mom has always been therapeutic for me. We went shopping, laughed too loudly at the smart-assed shirts at Hot Topic and got stared at by "punk" teenagers. And, of course, there was the customary awe over tiny pink and blue baby clothes in the children's clothes shop. As the day wore on, I started to get overly tired and hungry, and she kept mentioning things I didn't want to think about. And.. I snapped at my mother. My own mother. It was a very painfully surreal moment.. she got very quiet, and we drove home listening to Elvis, not saying a word to each other.
Despite this, I'm going to be staying with my mother for a while. Staying at my home alone all the time is really starting to effect me. I could use the time to cool down and.. reflect. With everything that has happened, I've lost sight of some of the things I value in life.. my independence, my strong will, even my sense of self. There's more to me than all of this. A line from the Lion King keeps replaying through my mind.. "Remember who you are." And with the baby due to make its appearance in four and a half months.. well. I need some time to make amends with myself and the people in my life.
Katharine Hepburn passed away. Hearing this broke my little thespian heart. She was one of my idols and role models, as an actress and as a woman. I've been buying all the newspapers with memorials to her. One of them talked solely about her love life. She thought marriage was ridiculous, and vowed after a divorce to never remarry. Instead, she had a 26 year love affair with Hollywood great Spencer Tracy. People say he was the love of her life.. and yet all those years, he refused to divorce his wife because he felt guilty. She was quoted later, saying of the affair that "not everyone is lucky enough to understand how delicious it is to suffer." I had to stop and think when I read that. What a woman.. how strong she was..
I want to be strong again. I just have to remember. And now that I have the overwhelming urge to watch the Lion King.. I will leave this entry with the habitual abstract song.
you are subtle as a window pane
standing in my view
but i will wait for it to rain
so that i can see you
you call me up at night
when there's no light passing through
and you think that i don't understand
but i do
we don't say everything that we could
so that we can say later
oh, you misunderstood
i hold my cards up
close to my chest
i say what i have to
and i hold back the rest
'cause someone you don't know
is someone you don't know
get a firm grip
before you let go
for every hand extended
another lies in wait
keep your eye on that one
dress down get out there
pick a fight with the police
we will get it all on film
for the new release
seems like everyone's an actor
or they're an actor's best friend
i wonder what was wrong to begin with
that they should all have to pretend
we lost sight of everything
when we have to keep checking our backs
i think we should all just smile
if there's anything i've learned
all these years on my own
it's how to find my own way there
and how to find my own way back home
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