Create Journals
Update Journals

Journals
Find Users
Random

Read
Search
Create New

Communities
Latest News
How to Use

Support
Privacy
T.O.S.

Legal
Username:
Password:

Brittany (britty_murphy_) wrote,
@ 2003-07-03 00:29:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Add to Topic Directory  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry

    If there's anything I've learned all these years on my own..
    I have a feeling this entry will be all over the place. But oh well.

    The past few weeks have been extremely crazy. As easy as it would be to just blame it on hormones, of the fact that I'm stressed out, I'm not going to do that. But I feel like some.. whacked out, psychotic version of myself, like the Hulk, minus the extreme growth and colour change (and the oh-so fashionable purple pants). I've been so moody and touchy that I end up picking fights with people I care about, or lashing out at them and doing weird things that I regret two minutes later. So if anyone is actually reading this that has been the butt of my tempestuous rage, I'm sorry. Again.

    I spent most of the day with my mother. Time with my mom has always been therapeutic for me. We went shopping, laughed too loudly at the smart-assed shirts at Hot Topic and got stared at by "punk" teenagers. And, of course, there was the customary awe over tiny pink and blue baby clothes in the children's clothes shop. As the day wore on, I started to get overly tired and hungry, and she kept mentioning things I didn't want to think about. And.. I snapped at my mother. My own mother. It was a very painfully surreal moment.. she got very quiet, and we drove home listening to Elvis, not saying a word to each other.

    Despite this, I'm going to be staying with my mother for a while. Staying at my home alone all the time is really starting to effect me. I could use the time to cool down and.. reflect. With everything that has happened, I've lost sight of some of the things I value in life.. my independence, my strong will, even my sense of self. There's more to me than all of this. A line from the Lion King keeps replaying through my mind.. "Remember who you are." And with the baby due to make its appearance in four and a half months.. well. I need some time to make amends with myself and the people in my life.

    Katharine Hepburn passed away. Hearing this broke my little thespian heart. She was one of my idols and role models, as an actress and as a woman. I've been buying all the newspapers with memorials to her. One of them talked solely about her love life. She thought marriage was ridiculous, and vowed after a divorce to never remarry. Instead, she had a 26 year love affair with Hollywood great Spencer Tracy. People say he was the love of her life.. and yet all those years, he refused to divorce his wife because he felt guilty. She was quoted later, saying of the affair that "not everyone is lucky enough to understand how delicious it is to suffer." I had to stop and think when I read that. What a woman.. how strong she was..

    I want to be strong again. I just have to remember. And now that I have the overwhelming urge to watch the Lion King.. I will leave this entry with the habitual abstract song.


    you are subtle as a window pane
    standing in my view
    but i will wait for it to rain
    so that i can see you
    you call me up at night
    when there's no light passing through
    and you think that i don't understand
    but i do

    we don't say everything that we could
    so that we can say later
    oh, you misunderstood
    i hold my cards up
    close to my chest
    i say what i have to
    and i hold back the rest

    'cause someone you don't know
    is someone you don't know
    get a firm grip
    before you let go
    for every hand extended
    another lies in wait
    keep your eye on that one
    anticipate

    dress down get out there
    pick a fight with the police
    we will get it all on film
    for the new release
    seems like everyone's an actor
    or they're an actor's best friend
    i wonder what was wrong to begin with
    that they should all have to pretend
    we lost sight of everything
    when we have to keep checking our backs
    i think we should all just smile
    come clean
    and relax

    if there's anything i've learned
    all these years on my own
    it's how to find my own way there
    and how to find my own way back home


(Post a new comment)


magg_gyllenhaal
2003-07-03 03:53 (link)
Darling, I miss you.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


britty_murphy_
2003-07-03 03:58 (link)
Hellcat. My daughter. I just watched Riding in Cars with Boys..

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


magg_gyllenhaal
2003-07-03 04:01 (link)
Did you? I watched it last night and I now think that Desmond needs to get here soon.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


britty_murphy_
2003-07-03 04:07 (link)
Yes he does. They all need to get around here and make Brittany a happy girl.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


magg_gyllenhaal
2003-07-03 04:10 (link)
And make Maggie a happy one too. Hey, Britt..what are you doing for the 4th?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


britty_murphy_
2003-07-03 04:26 (link)
Probably glaring out my window (almost typed winder.. swear to God, I've gone crazy) at all the cheerful folk blowing things up ;P

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


magg_gyllenhaal
2003-07-03 04:29 (link)
Let's be cheerful together and blow things up ;)

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


britty_murphy_
2003-07-03 04:41 (link)
Sounds good. Let's get the loudest, flashiest, coolest fireworks.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


tobeymaguire
2003-07-03 04:19 (link)
I hope things are well with you, Britt.. I know we haven't spoken much for a while, but I swear to you. I'll be that old Tobey again. ::Smiles:: Have a nice stay with your mother, and sing a few of those Lion King songs for me, hm? Take care.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


britty_murphy_
2003-07-03 04:25 (link)
I miss you Tobey. The next time I see you, I will sing Lion King for you. Any song you want. Love ya.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


kutcherx
2003-07-03 09:26 (link)
hakuna matata, what a wonderful phrase.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(Reply from suspended user)

(Reply from suspended user)


(Post a new comment)

© 2002-2008. Blurty Journal. All rights reserved.