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Jana (brigid_6) wrote,
@ 2004-11-22 20:03:00
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    I can't really decide how i feel right now. There is a lot on my mind and in my heart at the moment. First of all there is all this stuff im going through about Mike. I am such a ninny. Mike loves me. He is a great friend and an awsome man. Hes a strong person who isnt afraid to be himself. Which is part of what i admire in him. And i know he would never purposely hurt me. I trust him. He would never cheat on me. He never has cheated. Hes very handsome. Especially since he got his glasses......we all know how i cant get over a guy with glasses lol. I like the way hes got freckles all over his shoulders and they way his hand feels in mine. I love his smile and the way he laughs. I could go on and on but i wont. Needless to say i love him with all my heart and always will. I would die if i lost him(well obviously i wouldnt die, but it'd be damn close). The thing is ive never been in a real relationship before him. My attempts were all half assed. I ended up with guys i didnt really know and didnt really care for. I just wanted to have that special something so badly i rushed into it. But i've found everything i want in Mike. Id marry him someday if hed ask. I want a family with him. We were out the other night walking around the lake and there were all these beautiful houses with their soft white christmas lights already up all beautiful and glowing and i couldnt help but wonder what it would be like to live in a house like that with him. A home and a family. But again i rush on....and cant just let things go at their own pace. Maybe that is why im such a goose. That and I am on my period so im about three times as emotional as normal. It's not as if i expect him to call every day. Its just that he used to call me all the time. ALL THE TIME. Hed call every time he even thought of me. Which is why now when i go days without talking to him i start to worry. Is he thinking about me, does he still want me, does he still love me. Silly things like that. When i know very well i stoped talking to him for a whole 6 months. I didnt answer his calls or emails. I just let him hang. But he kept calling. He didnt give up on me. He would get mad and leave an angry message and then a little bit later call back and say sorry. My friend Tricia Cheese once asked me if i thought a guy who didnt really love and care about me would do something like that. Keep calling for 6 months. And i know he wouldnt waste his time. Mike isnt the type to do that. I am amazed that he wouldnt give up on me. I told him that once and he said "why would i give up on you?" and my answer to that was.......he wouldnt. But as the song goes "im broken when im lonesome and i dont feel right when youre gone away". i live alone with my cat......sad huh? its better than living with my dad and two brothers and having to deal with dads girlfriend(who happens to be a wonderful lady, i just am not used to her yet) But i cant do the whole lonely sim thing. I need company other than a cat. Tricia Cheese is my best friend and i love her. We see eachother as often as possible. But shes got Charlie Horse. They've been together for two years. And i get lonesome when i see them together. I get lonesome for Mike. I wish i could just live with him and be near him. My lease is up january 31st. Ive been talking with Tricia Cheese about moving in together which would be wonderful! I love her shes like a sister/best friend/cheese. But i secretly wish it were mike sometimes. But i cant do that. Mostly just because of my father. He would never understand it(hes a preacher man/cpa....complicated story). Plus Mike lives and works in Sugarland and i live and work in north houston. A little inconvenient. Ah well.........That and i hate my job. A lot. And i feel like im caught in this inbetween area of life. Not moving back but not moving on either. Gotta do something. But for now im just going to hope and dream. Ill do something tomorrow when im not cramping and depressed. Ta Ta

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