| Current mood: |  drained |
| Current music: | Coldplay-"Easy to please" |
I should apoligise...
I had an utterly shitty few days, and I think I made that apparent the other day. *sigh* I'm sorry for being a bitch, but then again, I am entitled to, after all this is my journal.
I spent today trying to be calm and good. Took the car out at around 11:45 to get it filled and washed. It looks slightly less ghetto now, and my mom says that she is going to get new hubcaps ordered Monday, as long as my dad is fine with it. So, woo! No more ghetto car. (too bad it looses a bit of character that way.)
I love to drive... it always makes me feel better...
So... maybe I should explain why I am so down. Its, umm, mediocre? No, I cant call it that, I feel to strongly about it. Its Imporant.
These past couple months I have gotten very close with Freddy, much closer than we had been before. Things were looking good, as they usually do, and it was one of those "friends with benefits" relationships. After awhile, I thought I would leave it because it makes me feel like a whore sometimes, but I could not leave him, I just care for him too damn much I guess. I made a mistake though... maybe it was for the better, but all I see it is as for the worse. I did what I have done in the past when I was not thinking clearly, I wrote a letter. It was lengthy, and honestly it has left me quite vonerable. I refuse to think nothing but good of him, and that is what I have continued to do.
So why did I ask him out? Because... okay I am going to admit something...
I was scared...
I was scared of several things. First of all, I was scared of loosing him to someone else, which has happened before. I was just sitting there, waiting for a pretty, punky little thing to come and snatch him away from me. The thing is about that is if it happened again... well, he would never get a chance to be with me then. I dont give extra chances, I at least think of myself highly enough for that. Secondly, I was starting to rationalize the relationship and why we were not dating yet. I started to believe that all he wanted me for was to get some love. I hate thinking that way, and I still am supressing the belief that he was, because I dont want to think of him like that because he has never seemed that way. I just cant see him becoming that way, I believe he respects me at least that much. Otherwise... if it comes out that he doesnt, then what is there left for me to do but punish myself for being blinded again, for seeing something that may have been there and never looking close enough.
I refuse to believe that those things are factors... I just, refuse.
I realized my folley the next day, and what a fool I had been to think that way. I told him to disreguard everything, that everything was fine the way it was. It was too late, I got him thinking, and I knew that things would never be the same for us, at least right now. He had not been talking to me truly for a day or so, and the night before last I finally called him. It was after I spent an afternoon talking with Jeff and Rissa, who never, ever, EVER make me feel safe in ANYTHING that I do. So I called him, and he sounded too grave for me to comprehend. I just told him to tell me. So he did. He said that he has just been jumping from relationship to relationship, and that it was not doing him any good. He needed time to be alone.
There are a lot of things that run through your head when you hear that. I took the stand that he was right, and that I needed to back off. So I left... to tell the truth I could not stand the embarrassment of having him hear me try to choke back tears. I kept thinking later, as I hung up the phone and could finally be alone, that I was not good enough... again. I -cant- think that, for my own good. I am good enough for anyone who comes my way, and thats the truth. Whatever I give is a gift, and its mine to give to whom I choose. Then the thought of being used came back into my head, and I tried to refuse it. My thinking ended up tiring me out too much, so I went to sleep and had some awful dreams.
Not before Rissa called though.
She was the one who called and said "I'm Sorry."
I dont think she knows what a shot to the heart that was, and I dont think she knows how guilty that makes her seem. Yes, I DONT trust her when it comes to this, I think she knew before I knew, yet again. Deep down, I know that she as a factor has not yet been ruled out, and she is going to cause me more pain again.
I do think she means well... but right now its hard to trust anyone really.
After she called, I went back to my room and lied awake and thought even more. Everything got sparked up again and my desire to talk to anyone lessened. I hardly spoke at all yesterday, and it was almost detrimental. I kept to myself until 7th period when I forced myself to wake up, put on a mask and play some chess. I went to the movie party last night and cought just about the last third of Spirited Away. In fact, I spent most of my time today looking for a video rental store that still had it in stock, no luck, I am going to have to rent it next weekend since every other movie I wanted to see was rated R. I played DDR for the rest of the night and through all of the insanity I was able to keep from thinking of things or having to talk about anything serious. Aldo was really helpful last night, I am so glad he was there. I didnt have to be a total idiot around him, nor be serious, I could just be me without having to think that hard. I miss getting to be around him, I need to spend more time with him.
To end I just want to talk about one of my dreams.
I think its an omen, and an omen that Garret is going to end up coming back into my life.
I was driving around, he was in the car with me, and we were out of town. I dont know where we were, but my subconcious seemed to know where I was going. We ended up spending a pleasant day together. I didnt yell, bitch, or insult him during the entire dream. It was like we were just before we started dating. To be truthful, I miss the friendship we had, and maybe my subconcious was mourning it to get away from the other things I was mourning.
Later on in the dream we were acting as if we had been dating for a week or two, and I didnt feel scared in the dream... everything faded after that and it went into another dream.
The other dream was scary... I was with some friends at some odd coastal inn. I ended up getting seperated from them and I met someone that looked like I would imagine Garret to in his mid 20's. He ended up raping me, first battering me while we were in a cab going to god know's where.
I was just scared.
I think I have written enough. I may go out for another drive. Hell, its my money I put into it.
-Lilly
PS: I never said it, but I love that boy, I really do. I love Freddy, and I cant seem to help it. So I wont.
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