kAt (break_this) wrote, @ 2008-01-21 01:53:00

happy birthday kitty
im 22
happy bday to me.
now that the drugs and alcohol have worn off,
and the celebrations are over
its strange.

im 22
single
heartbroken
and well
as stupid and fuking insane as i know this is sounds
im alone.

im surrounded by so many fucking beautiful, amazing people
whom i love and adore
yet i feel alone

i miss being in love
i miss feeling loved
i miss kisses
i miss the hugs
i miss the intensity
the connection
the physicality
the sex
the passion

i just dont have it
all the things i look for
i want
i need
are gone

and its horrible
all i could think of
was what i didnt have
and what i couldn't do
and i went searching for it
only to feel disappointed


but despite the emotional
mess
i had one of the best bdays

i was extremely fukd
but god did i feel good
my heart was racing
i was inlove
with everything
the walls were moving
the drinks were glowing
i was with amazing ppl
but just didnt get any
bday kisses
hahahaha
and sadly i was almost ready
to settle for the feral door bitch

after
serious dancing on podiums
line snorting
being rained on
cigarette smoke inhaling
sitting
deep and meaningful conversations


i got home
lay in bed
and spoke to myself

i had so many thoughts
running through my head
hate
anger
hurt
love
strength
destruction
compassion
pain

a million thoughts
feelings
sensations
emotions
in each second
that ticked by

my eyes were shut
but felt open
as they swayed
from side to side
the sound of my heart
was deafening
like a drum
beating next to my head

my body felt
overheated
i stripped down
to my under wear
tossed and turned
gripped tightly
onto my pillow
and scratched
up and down
my arms and legs

i wished
deeply
that my pillow
was her

it doesn't make sense
but it did

then
i remembered

she was there
lying next to me
sleeping
breathing
dreaming

she was there
the whole time
so close to me
& yet so far

i wanted
so desperately to
hold her
kiss her
and tell her
how unbelievably
heartbroken
i am
and how much
i still want her


this
drug and alcohol
fueled episode
like always
also brought
clarity
an epifany
that one moment
the craziness
made complete sense


let her go
and the only way
to do that
is if
i never
see her again

when the drugs
are telling you
what you already
know

what are you
supposed to do?

i looked over at her
kissed her face
and told her
i was letting go

then i took it back
and put my arms around her


god im
just so fucking hopeless

i laughed
let her go
and fell asleep

cause im a fucking joke

this entire situation
is just a fucking joke

and i cant do it
and i probably wont eva do it

happy bday to me
i love how each year
it just becomes
more and more
complex