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kAt (break_this) wrote,
@ 2008-01-21 01:53:00
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    happy birthday kitty
    im 22
    happy bday to me.
    now that the drugs and alcohol have worn off,
    and the celebrations are over
    its strange.

    im 22
    single
    heartbroken
    and well
    as stupid and fuking insane as i know this is sounds
    im alone.

    im surrounded by so many fucking beautiful, amazing people
    whom i love and adore
    yet i feel alone

    i miss being in love
    i miss feeling loved
    i miss kisses
    i miss the hugs
    i miss the intensity
    the connection
    the physicality
    the sex
    the passion

    i just dont have it
    all the things i look for
    i want
    i need
    are gone

    and its horrible
    all i could think of
    was what i didnt have
    and what i couldn't do
    and i went searching for it
    only to feel disappointed


    but despite the emotional
    mess
    i had one of the best bdays

    i was extremely fukd
    but god did i feel good
    my heart was racing
    i was inlove
    with everything
    the walls were moving
    the drinks were glowing
    i was with amazing ppl
    but just didnt get any
    bday kisses
    hahahaha
    and sadly i was almost ready
    to settle for the feral door bitch

    after
    serious dancing on podiums
    line snorting
    being rained on
    cigarette smoke inhaling
    sitting
    deep and meaningful conversations


    i got home
    lay in bed
    and spoke to myself

    i had so many thoughts
    running through my head
    hate
    anger
    hurt
    love
    strength
    destruction
    compassion
    pain

    a million thoughts
    feelings
    sensations
    emotions
    in each second
    that ticked by

    my eyes were shut
    but felt open
    as they swayed
    from side to side
    the sound of my heart
    was deafening
    like a drum
    beating next to my head

    my body felt
    overheated
    i stripped down
    to my under wear
    tossed and turned
    gripped tightly
    onto my pillow
    and scratched
    up and down
    my arms and legs

    i wished
    deeply
    that my pillow
    was her

    it doesn't make sense
    but it did

    then
    i remembered

    she was there
    lying next to me
    sleeping
    breathing
    dreaming

    she was there
    the whole time
    so close to me
    & yet so far

    i wanted
    so desperately to
    hold her
    kiss her
    and tell her
    how unbelievably
    heartbroken
    i am
    and how much
    i still want her


    this
    drug and alcohol
    fueled episode
    like always
    also brought
    clarity
    an epifany
    that one moment
    the craziness
    made complete sense


    let her go
    and the only way
    to do that
    is if
    i never
    see her again

    when the drugs
    are telling you
    what you already
    know

    what are you
    supposed to do?

    i looked over at her
    kissed her face
    and told her
    i was letting go

    then i took it back
    and put my arms around her


    god im
    just so fucking hopeless

    i laughed
    let her go
    and fell asleep

    cause im a fucking joke

    this entire situation
    is just a fucking joke

    and i cant do it
    and i probably wont eva do it

    happy bday to me
    i love how each year
    it just becomes
    more and more
    complex


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