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blue4me (blue4me) wrote,
@ 2003-07-06 00:04:00
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    Current mood:altering btwn down n smiles
    Current music:Sublime- Garden Grove

    What Now?
    Well, basically, yesterday, Danielle made up for the other night, she called me and made me feel special lol, and I felt better about the whole thing for a minute. But I guess, despite what I sometimes think, she is not the main reason why I am a nut case. And also despite what I thought I was going to have away from home, I actually had a very fun fourth of july. I guess even though in the wake of Thursday's pitty party, some people do love me, even though sometimes I get on the whole no one loves me thing. Even though sometimes, I don't get the exact type of love that I want from the exact people that I want it from, I do get love from the people who I want to love me and who should love me. The tough thing now is I am thinking of staying home when I go home to visit on the 10th, number one because everyone at home is overdueing the encouraging, although, Mike is the only one who actually gives a shit where I stay and if I can keep my dogs that I love more than death itself. He is working on getting me a place, although I don't want to screw my aunt, and John, although I don't really believe for one second that I will be, b/c I have heard so much about what a bad job that I am doing, and I also don't see that I am doing much of anything important, infact, I dont' see that I am doing much at all, I think they may actually be happy to see me go, I kinda am seeing that I am a bit of a problem. Ha, speak of the devil, there Mike goes calling now. Another song just came on, it's about love, and there was just a line that I really liked, "Sticks and stones break your bones but words break your heart." I feel so evil every time I talk to him, see here's the situation with him. Basically since I broke up with Terelle, I've been seeing Mike among many other guys, but refused to commit, or "make it official" or whatever, and believe me, he tried, we actually had stopped talking for a while, because after we had been well, whatever you would call what we were doing, we would see each other a lot, kiss, snuggle, and he would pay for me and my friends, and talk about things, but he was not the only one and he knew it, but anyway, after several months of this, he had filpped out and proceeded to tell me what an asshole I was, even though I didn't do anything, I just stayed honest and stuck to my guns b/c I knew I would only hurt someone if I committed to them at that point and that there was no way I could do it, so we didn't talk for a while, but then he proceeded to call me on Valentines Day, I guess it was last year(2002), and leave me a message, telling me he was sorry, he missed me, and he was in love with me. So basically, I continued on with him after that how we were before. But then right before I left NJ, there was the whole thing where Terelle and I reconcilled, so, I just didn't say ne thing to ne of the people who were ne thing more than just friends, well, if you don't count Danielle, but, after the whole horrible ordeal that went down that day with Terelle, I was all upset, and then I got a call from Mike, and he didn't know what was going on, but we were talking about how I was out here, and I couldn't go back to school, and I dunno, he offered to have me come home and live with him and he would take care of me for a while so I could go back to school, and he included me bringing my dogs in the offer. This just made me think at the time, what an idiot I was for not giving him a real chance, not giving him the committment he wanted. So, at that point, like an idiot, I brought back up the whole thing, and then I said I would be with him. Now, I didn't tell anyone about this, and I am having serious trouble taking the whole thing with him seriously. The good thing was, before he wasn't saying he loved me or anything, despite what he said on the message before, but, tonight, he said it, and I dunno, for some reason i said it back, I mean, he is very cute, and I like him very much, but I shouldn't have said it back, because, I dunno, maybe one day I will, but right now I don't, and it was really the wrong thing to do. But talking to him did make me feel better about a lot of things. Maybe I should just give in, and go with it, and maybe my feelings will grow. You never know, I mean, i usually can tell if it is a person I can fall for, but what do I know, I have only ever fallen for 2 people, so, maybe, it could happen. But even with all this said, there is a nagging feeling within me that if I did love him, he wouldn't feel quite the same way that he does now. Anyway, I am thinking about just taking him up on his offer at this point. I am causing my aunt a lot of aggrivation, everyone is complaining about me to her, she has to hear it from my grandpop, my uncle, and probabally well, I allready spoke on that so I won't say it again. I don't think there is any pleasing my grandpop either, because the only way he will be pleased is if I am miserable. Basically, he gets mad anytime I leave the house, last night he used the dog as an excuse, but even when I bring her, he still says shit, so I am positive it is not about the dog, it is about, that he wants everyone to be miserable like he is, but he shouldn't worry about that, because I am allready miserable, I am just trying to make it so I at least have a will to live. And I know that is not possible without me leavig the house. So I just don't think it's going to work here. I don't know. I think, all I actually accomplished here, was making it so my heart is drawn apart in even more directions. I now have my Aunt here, and now I also have Jessica, now I am not sure what she really thinks as far as me, but I know, it is very rare that I find people with the right type of thinking that I can actually enjoy talking to them, so, I am pretty sure that I am going to really miss her when I go home. And I allready had my aunt here that I was going to really miss. But on the other hand, I have Danielle and Damien at home that I miss more than anything, but that again, just over proves my point, that no matter what, I am torn in every direction. Ok, and I actually, even as I am writing am thinking about this whole thing with Mike, I mean, ok, it takes a whole lot to make me forget something that is bothering me, well, not forget in my head, but in my heart, make me feel better I guess, I mean, usually, taking a long ride with Danielle is the only thing that can do that. And when I came home today, I turned on the TV and was flipping through, and I don't usually watch movies on TV, but today there was nothing on, so I turned on Baby Boy, and it made me so sad, the character totally reminded me of Terelle, and I missed him so much at that point, and I dunno, I just wanted to go back to what we had before. I really started thinking that I was meant to be with him, but it had gotten screwed up, and I was going to be lonely and miserable for the rest of my life. Which, i know is ridiculous, and I knew it even as I felt it, but you can control your thoughts, not your emotions. But then Mike called, and I was all better, I dunno, maybe I was just distracted, but I don't think that is it. Mayb I am just a very confused person, and that is all there is to it. Oh, and i forgot, Danny, he wants me to have his baby. Weird thing for him to say. Basically, I got the drift, that he was telling me that he loves me. I dunno, I mean, when we first met, it was on the note of a hook up, a quick thing, u kno, but it ended up that we turned into friends, and stopped hooking up, and we ended up really good friends. And we ended up sticking through everything together, but I mean, he's a good friend, but I wouldn't say he's my best friend, or I'm in love with him or anything. The thing is he calls me his "Best Friend" which is fine, I'm flattered, but the whole "have his baby" thing, freaked me out, I mean, he is georgous, he is porterican, he has light eyes, they are blueish greenish, dark hair, a beautiful face, and a great body, he is georgous, he has a nice family and everything, and i have always said, I have never tasted food like his mom cooks, but, I dunno, I just don't want to go there with him, for more reasons than one, which I don't really want to get into. I have to admit, with how good he looks, it is tempting to start something though, I am not saying all of what he wants though, but I guess because he wants all of that from me, friends is where we should stay. I mean, and then there's also the whole he's friends with terelle thing. Ok, well, I am starting to sound like one of those idiot superficial high school girls that I hate, since I am in this strange mood, I will stop writing. I'll write more tomrow. :D



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