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blue4me (blue4me) wrote,
@ 2004-02-03 12:09:00
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    Current mood: scared

    what am I doing?
    am I in love? I'm not really 100% sure. I think I am. How could I really be sure though, no one really knows what love is. Everyone just thinks they know. He says he allready loves me, he says he doesn't mean he is "in love" with me yet, or that he is ready to marry me tomorrow, but that he loves me. We met about a month ago. We kissed the first day, I think. We went to Boston Market to eat, he paid. I hadn't had sex in 3 years, and it was only twice. I decided it was right with him, but I wasn't sure.. but even if I had waited, would I ever have been sure, can you ever really be sure about something like that? Since Saturday, we made love 3 times... that is more than I have in the past 20 years.. he hurts me though.. he doesn't fit inside of me, legnth and width. The legnth is what hurts I think, hitting the back of the inside of me. Hopefully, it will just feel good eventually. I think the problem is that I am in love with him. Is it too soon? Saturday night, after everything, we decided not to see anyone else. He told me he loved me on the way home on Sunday, he said it first. We went to his parent's friend's superbowl party. His parents are wonderful. I have never felt like this before, most of the time, I just feel so good, I feel so happy, like everything is finally right. I feel like I have known him forever. I don't know how he feels, besides that he loves me and cares a lot about me.. does that mean, he won't be "in love" with me? I hope not. What if all this is just a game for him? It is for a lot of guys, I don't think he's like that though, but my problem is that I have known to be wrong. At this point, if I am wrong, it would destroy me. Some of the time, I am just scared.. that doesn't feel so good. Right now, I am scared. He scares me, or maybe I scare myself, I am scared of how I feel. The higher up you go, the more it hurts when you fall.

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