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blue4me (blue4me) wrote,
@ 2003-08-07 22:43:00
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    Current mood: creative

    Ill finally update this thing
    Ok, so basically I am no longer in Utah. Basically, my mom got me thrown out, long story. I went home, b/c at least here, I can eat with no money, b/c I know enough people, and I can have gas with no money, and if I didn't have a dog, I'd have a place to stay too. But basically since I do have a dog, I have been staying, in my car, in a tent in the woods, in cheap $40 roach motels, basically wherever. The good thing about this is that I have actually lost a lot of weight in the past month. I actually feel really free right now. I feel ok about it. I admit, the first night that I slept outside, I was scared shitless. My friend Matt showed me this woods that him and his people's hang out at. It was in like Blackwood of all places, like ghetto area, and there was a shitload of trash there, it wasn't like a camping woods. And to top it off, there was like 2 people we didn't know out there on quads. The one guy started talking to us, he was like a really dirty, sleazy looking 36 year old. He started talking about how he understood my situation, and he had been in a similar one, and how he was such a great and trustworthy guy. It just made me feel like he was trying to get my trust so i would trust him with shit. He started helping us with setting up the tent, and blowing up my mattress. Then a few of my friends and I had a bonfire. He stayed, then he started talking about how he was probabally staying out here tonight, so I would be ok because he was going to be there. Then I thought great, I am going to get raped by this guy tonight and murdered. Not that the murdered part would be so bad as long as he made it painless, but shit, I don't want to be brutally raped. Luckily matt ended up staying with me until he had to go to work @ 5am, and the guy, Vic i think he said his name was, left around 3, and thankfully didn't come back. So I didn't get brutally raped by the creep. Needless to say, I moved my stuff to goshen pond for the next night. Anyway, I admit, I was sad and terriffied that night. I think I was a pinch away from a nervous breakdown. I did cry. But now, I don't feel so bad about everything, even if things stay like this, I'm not worried about it anymore. I have nothing to worry about. No house to clean, no bills, except for insurance and cell. I sleep whererver I am at the end of the night, it is great. My dog was really happy running around in the woods. And a lot of nights people let me stay with them, my dog included. I spend some of the money my friend missy gave me for food, and I bought some pastels and paper, I am going to do some artwork, I'm going to try and sell some, that's what I really wanted to do when I was little, maybe it's my destiny. Anyway, now I have a job, I am lifeguarding again. I am actually getting paid $10 an hour. Which isn't bad at all, it was the same thing I was getting in Utah. Although I am a little in debt right now, so it's gonna be a minute until I save up enough to get back into an apartment. And the job does end at the end of the summer, so, I dunno. Anyway, things are for once actually really good for at least Danielle and my friendship. She is acutally treating me the way she should. Although, well, u kno, but she is for once actually with a guy who is not a douchebag. He is actually really cool. So... I guess, as long as she is happy. And I found there is a lot more people here for me than I thought. I actually have a whole lot of really good friends that really care about my welfare. And after all the times I thought no one cared. And I get to see who actually does care. Which I can tell you, Mike, no, Terelle, maybe he acutally does, although he didn't actually come through with ne thing, he tried to sell his motor scooter that he just got for his birthday in may to pay me back the money he owes me, but I am still not sure. Although honestly, I still really miss him. I found that Matt Gibson, not the one who stayed with me in the woods, even though he is an asshole who slept with missy, really does care. he offered for me to stay there, and fixed some stuff in my car, even though I didn't ask him, I asked Ricky to fix the car. Matt had said to me, even though you don't like me, I don't want you living like that, you can stay with me. Well, I don't know, I guess I am saying, even though I am homeless, and have nothing, I am ok, and I actually feel a lot better then I have in a while. Maybe it is because my mother and I aren't talking. Says something. Hey something else, nothing to do with ne of this, I actually, really miss jessica, maybe it's because she was pretty much the only person I had to talk to for like 3 months, I dunno, but for some reason, even though I have everyone else, I wish she was here too. Ok, well, I am blabbering on and on, and I am on my friends cpu @ his house, and i think he is getting mad at me. I'll write more tomrow @ the library
    Amanda



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