Create Journals
Update Journals

Find Users

Create New

Latest News
How to Use



blu (blu) wrote,
@ 2004-02-10 01:25:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Add to Topic Directory  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry

    Current mood:hurt

    This whole thing's just seriously screwed up.

    I know I can do so much better (this isn't academic, just so you know), but.. I seem to be so comfortable with what I had. Had, because I have no clue what I "have" now.

    I seriously need to move on, but there's a part of me that wants things to go back to what they were. Right now it's so fucked up that I don't know what I want "ahora," but I do know that I don't want things to end. I don't know.

    It's not easy to get my trust and my love, so to just completely trash it the second I start believing? Mm. Not smart. I guess it's not exactly like that, but gah.. it does sting.

    Hell, it more than stings.

    He's got this uncanny ability to make things happen at the worst times possible. Great, no?

    I still say, if I went to some coed school, I'd get daily reminders of the dumbness of guys (in general) in my age group. Theeeenn, I wouldn't be having things freakin' problems. Ugh.

    If Monday doesn't work, I'm either going to get together (or try to) with my old St. Mark's friends OR drag people (*cough*ELENA!) out to the movies or something. I need some relaxation, some friggin change of pace. Some distraction.

    And, depending on things.. if Sunday does work out, I'll show him. He's not as essential to my stability as I thought he was.. or, I hope so. And you know what? Love is blind. I'm just barely starting to see that, hey, maybe he isn't such the good guy I thought he was. If not that, then.. he's completely lost in a maze and needs help getting out of it.

    That's what this whole thing feels like. A completely screwy maze.

(Post a new comment)

2004-02-12 00:39 (link)
see..THIS is one reason why people shouldn't date..nope nope nope..

I seriously just think you "love" him b/c he was the first guy that rolled around and he made you feel special and just..good about yourself. Hell, when I met that guy online (as I've told you)...I thought I loved him after what..two freaking days????? Okay, so you're saying, I wasn't like that..but can still be the same situation! Ay, Tara went through the same situation with her bf. It's just..I really think it's because he was the first guy. Seriously. And yes, I KNOW it feels good when a guy likes you and stuff, but it's NOT LOVE, not necessarily. Dude, I mean, you told me you hardly ever really saw him anyhow. And, you were like, 14/15? Seriously man, look back at an image of yourself in freshman year..think about that KID..was she capable of FALLING IN LOVE? I HIGHLY doubt it.

I dunno, I don't want to get you depressed with what I'm saying. It's

((you should know who this is..antipink person))

(Reply to this) (Thread)

2004-02-12 02:23 (link)
okay, i wrote something while on the phone.. and, duh, it made little sense.

it's really different, elena. i guess you could say it's not love, and maybe you'd be right.. but maybe you'd be wrong.

it's not just like, i know that for sure. when you like someone, the smallest thing could just drive you away from them. i know enough of such kinds of small things about him that i should be well over him by now, if i'd only liked him. yknow, those things that you could look over if you feel.. strong enough, i guess, about someone. like little faults and not-so-attractive things.

It's much more than like. When we first got together in april 2002, yeah, i liked him and that was that. it feels really different now, though. completely different, yknow?

i don't know. maybe, a couple of years later, i'll be able to look back at this and laugh. now? now, i can't. and heck, maybe i won't be able to, even a couple of years later.

this feeling just makes me want to be there for him whenever he gets hurt, whenever he just needs someone to be there and support him.. but I guess I'm supposed to be able to let it go now that it's over, in a sense.. but I can't. it'll take so much more time.

and hey, i was 15/16. a little young, sure, but eh. i'm definitely not the type to go running around and say that i love someone in a really short while.

it just feels so much like it, and the whole agape thing just seems/ed to almost prefectly fit, at least at my end of things.

yeah.. i guess, just bear with me, or ignore me, or something. thankya, antipink girl.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

2004-02-12 02:35 (link)
Yeah, and um.. I've wavered back and forth, but.. no matter what, I think I'm glad that this whole thing with us (hime and me) happened. So.. no, it's not the reason why people shouldn't date. Dating is a part of the whole process to finding the person you'll be spending the rest of your life with. If you don't date at all, I'll bet that you'd end up with more divorces than you'd be comfortable with.

You, as in, general you.

Anyone is capable of falling in love.

And hardly ever seeing him was a part of the reason we got really close.. I mean, when you do think about it.. my friend (some other guy) really does make sense. When you see each other every day, you kinda do get bored of each other really quickly. But yea.. *shrugs*

You have a point in some of those arguments, but others.. I don't know. I don't completely agree with you.

But, no, don't think i'm a complete fool, gullible enough to believe in anything. I'm not. Hell, half the time, I was the one doubting everything about us.. he was the one who was always there, patiently repeating some of the same things over and over until it stuck. He never gave up on me just because I couldn't help not believing him.

And yeah, I think it takes either 1) more than like or 2) underlying intentions to do that, to not give up on a girl when she's constantly doubting you. Hell, a lot of friends don't stick around once you start doubting them or not trusting them too much. But he stuck around for a freakin' year of it.. and when we did "take a break," I was the one who brought it up. Ironic? Sure.

And no.. he doesn't look like the type to want... things. I think.

This is partly why I'm trying to get that Monday thing. So my family can 1) get used to the fact that yes, I do have male friends, 2) meet my male friends, who are all good people in general (unless i'm horribly, horribly deceived), and 3) tell me their opinions of my male friends.. good, bad, etc. So.. mainly so I know that I could move on and be just a friend.

Ramble ramble.

It's easier to talk instead of type, but I kno you're not gonna talk about this.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

2004-02-12 10:27 (link)
I'll talk if you want -- just not on the phone. =P


more lata...running late for school..

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

2004-02-12 19:27 (link)
haha, but you won't like talking about it :P

you okay?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

2004-02-13 18:58 (link)
Nah, I'm fine talking about it really..just as long as its not slightly audible by any member of my family. At least I think I am..I've never really talked to anyone about this stuff. I just want you to have someone to be able to talk about this stuff with besides him, so if you want, I'll be here..

Have you ever thought that you really just love him as a friend? I mean, you said he doesn't want "things" and that you hardly ever saw him. I think you defintely fell for his personality..and yes, that is a part of "romantic" relationships..but its also of friendships. Again, I hate to relate everything to Joy, but I was super depressed and confused after I stopped talking to her..and that's because I really cared about her as my friend. I think it's the same situation (kinda...although complicated by the fact that he's male) with you and him. And get together with him to do fun things and become friends..stronger friends..because you already are.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

2004-02-13 20:14 (link)
I don't know, I've never thought about it like that. It doesn't make 100% sense, though, because if I only loved him as a friend, I wouldn't really.. care if he got another girlfriend, you know? Just weird.

I guess part of the frustration's that it seems like he's been getting closer with other people (people he just met) while we seem like we're drifting more and more.. apart and stuff. Guess it just bugs me that we always seem to be too busy to have a decent/crazy convo nowadays, while it seems like he's still got the "time" or whatever it is to have convos with other people and stuff. Err, yeah.. I don't know. If we're gonna have to be just friends, I don't want to be the kind of friend I feel I am right now.. I want to be closer to him. You know, be the one he always goes to to talk about stuff? I dunno, maybe I'm that already and he just doesn't have anything to talk about yet, but I sorta doubt that.

Guess the thing's just, he says he'll be around till whenever.. but stuff's making me think that he'll just drift farther and farther away and then, eventually, we won't really even know each other anymore. It happens, but yea. It's just weird :P

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

2004-02-14 12:10 (link)
See..yeah...what you said in the second paragraph directly correlates with my theory. So if he gets another girlfriend..that's a girl that will challenge your position with that you can't be the one who's always there for him (cuz, at least from what I've seen on TV and books, bfs and gfs sometimes tell each other more than they would to their friends). And also..he'll probably spend time with her..have fun with her..stuff that you want to do with him.

OH...shoot..I have to be at the psych really soon..SHOOT..I'll ask her for you :P I'VE BEEN WANTING TO ASK HER ABOUT YOUR SITUATION SO LONG B/C I DONT KNOW HOW TO HELP YOU EXACTLY..BUT I KEEP FORGETTING! GRAHHH! Well, at least I finally remembered!!

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

2004-02-14 13:16 (link)
lol, it's okay.. :P

I know that, and that's precisely.. well, almost.. what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that I'll just end up being some distant friend sometime, you know?

I mean, I guess I'd be okay with it if him getting a girlfriend wouldn't change my friendship with him, but I'm just afraid that if he does, he'd gradually drift even further away. Ehh, it's weird.

You don't have to ask your psych for me, but hey, if you, uh, want to.. go ahead. Hehe :P

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

2004-02-15 02:13 (link)
ah, I didn't ask her...takes too long to explain the whole thing =P

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

2004-02-15 02:16 (link)
lol, cool :P

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

(Post a new comment)

© 2002-2008. Blurty Journal. All rights reserved.